Tank

I can't believe they don't have one good rock station down here.

Are you kidding me, boy? That's stompin' music.

This will be our last post, so let's just tough it out.

Morning. Sergeant major Zack Carey.

Morning, sergeant major. Welcome to Fort Clemmons.

Is this all yours? Personal belongings.

Never said I travel light, soldier.

Uh, put it on that side.

Sergeant major Carey!

Yeah. You calling me? Sergeant major Carey?

Yeah, that's me. I'm Jerry Elliott from "Soldier Magazine"

We'd like to interview you and take a few pictures, if that would be all right.

Hey. I just got here myself, Elliott.

How the hell did you guys find me so quick?

You aren't exactly the unknown soldier in this army.

What's a Soldier's Magazine's interest in interviewing me?

Well, sergeant major, you're the only one in the U.S. army...

Who owns his own fully operational Sherman tank, for one thing.

Are you kidding me? I thought everybody had one of these.

I knew a sergeant down Fort Bliss who made a lamp out of one.

How long did it take you to restore it?

Oh, close to 15 years.

A spare part here, a spare part there.

Did it mostly with my two sons on weekends.

How old are your sons?

Well, Billy, he's 16, and Jonathan... would be 22.

He's dead.

I'm sorry to hear that.

So, is this tank all original?

Everything except the loudspeaker and the tape deck.

I put those in for parades and such.

That way, it could be declared a public relations asset.

Why in the hell would anybody want a Sherman tank?

Because it's very hard to shoot yourself while you're cleaning it.

One, two, three, four, hey!

This is the way we start our day!

Knockin' down doors and kickin' down walls!

- Yes. - General Hubik.

Sergeant major Carey to see you, sir.

Great. Send him in.

Reporting for duty, sir.

Good to see you, general.

Well, well. For an old fart, you look great.

With your permission, I could say the same about you.

How's LaDonna? Just fine, sir. And your wife?

She has her moments. You all squared away?

Just about.

Oh, there's a staff sergeant name of Elliott looking for you.

He already found me, sir.

He got me before I had a chance to test the latrines on this installation.

We're going for a drive.

You're creating quite a stir with that tank of yours.

I had to pull quite a few strings to let you keep it here.

I appreciate that, sir.

If I may say so, I'm glad my last assignment is going to be under you, sir.

We're both a little too young to be talking about last assignments.

Yes, sir, but I have made an offer on a fishing boat.

If they accept it, I'll put in my papers.

You give me two years on this post, Zack,

and you just may be the next sergeant major of the army.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four. Two, three, four.

General Hubik, I can't tell you how much I appreciate that coming from you,

but it gets a little complicated.

I only have one son left.

He's only got a few more years at home.

That time won't ever come again.

I've learned anything, I've learned that, sir.

Well, there'll be time to talk about that later.

Pentagon duty isn't half bad for a family.

Neither is fishing, sir.

In your hat, sergeant major.

Yes, sir, general, sir, three bags full.

Rear guard, recover!

Next.

Kitchen.

I've talked with your mom and dad.

What about you?

What's it like having a command sergeant major for a father?

Made me more religious, I suppose.

Really? How's that?

Made me more aware of the problems Jesus must have had as a teenager,

being the son of God.

What sort of father is your dad?

A cross between George Patton and Danny Thomas.

I mean, like he says: "Shit rolls downhill

If it's a bad day at the post, you better believe...

It's the wrong day to look like a ragbag around the house."

- You call that guy about the boat? - Yeah.

I shouldn't have to ask you something like that.

It's like pulling teeth to get any information out of you.

What'd the guy say?

He'd call back in a couple of weeks and let us know whether they'd take our offer.

Probably waiting to see if they can get more.

I just hope the interest rate don't go up by then. What if they do?

They won't go up. But if they do, what am I supposed to do?

I go in there and tell them they can't do that 'cause LaDonna Carey said...

That the interest rates won't go up.

I swear, you're as nervous about that boat as you are about that tank.

Yeah, you know. Go to the NCO Club and have a beer.

See if we know anybody on this post. Ahh.

You're a pretty good old broad, ma.

You just watch who you're calling old.

Jesus, you're a hervous old woman.

give me a bud. What?

A bud. What?

Beer! A beer! Give me a beer!

Carey! Ah, Tippet Hey! How you been?

Good to see you. What they got you doing here?

I'm operations NCO With the provost marshal. How you been?

Okay. How's yourself? I'm good. I'm good. You look good.

Look, I want you to meet my wife. Christ, I know Linda.

Uh... no, no. Big mistake.

Linda is the old wife. New wife is Gwen.

Must not make mistake around new wife by calling her by old wife's name.

Otherwise, she'll be upside your head with a pool cue.

Come on.

See anybody we know? Ed Tippet.

Oh, yeah? Was Linda there too?

No, but Gwen was. Who's Gwen?

Gwen is new wife. Linda is old wife.

They got divorced? I guess so.

Christ. You know, I used to love to go to the NCO Club.

Not anymore.

Not unless you like to sit around on your can and play bingo...

Or go to the disco and dance the funky monkey,

or whatever it is they call that stuff they're blaring in there.

They don't even call 'em bars anymore.

I mean, it's gotta be a disco.

I don't want to go to a disco. I want to go to a bar.

Boy, you are acting like the most crotchety old bugger I've ever seen in my life.

Why don't you get in this bed,

and I'll show you just how young you really are.

Why, miss Scarlett, how you do talk.

I just want to get that boat.

I want to finish things up and get on that boat, that's all.

Hey. Hey what?

G.I. Want a good piece of ass?

I love you. You better.

Gentlemen, the division sergeant major.

At ease.

Who is this guy, some kind of hard-ass?

He's one of those guys went in at 16, something like that.

Probably got a wino to sign for him.

Hell, I got a wino to sign for me too.

After he did, I said, "thanks, dad."

You still had to buy him a bottle of booze.

Gentlemen, be seated.

My name is sergeant major Zack Carey.

I usually find these little chats are about as full of crap as a Christmas goose,

so I'll keep it as short as possible.

Gentlemen, the bottom line is...

We're gonna get our collective shit together.

We're gonna make this outfit combat-ready.

Coming over here today, I saw a couple of individuals on this installation...

Walking around looking like ragbags.

That stops now.

Normally, if I was a battalion sergeant major or company first sergeant,

some clown starts telling me how to run my people,

I'm gonna personally tell him to keep his nose out of my business.

But these are not normal times,

so I will park in your pockets, gentlemen.

Where quality of training is concerned, there'll be more details later.

Where quality of life is concerned,

we will take care of our people's problems.

Whatever it takes to keep our people's minds on their work,

and not their personal problems,

that's what we're going to do.

For me, at least, the army is family.

We will take care of our own...

By the book, but with tact...

And by tact I mean don't let the bullshit reach the brass.

We will handle our problems in-house.

Because when a problem leaves your hands...

And reaches your company or battalion commander's hands,

you better believe it's going to come to the attention of that 600-pound gorilla...

With two stars on his collar.

And shit rolls downhill.

So you keep that gorilla off my back, that'll keep me off yours.

There's one other thing.

I want a beer bar on this post with a soft jukebox...

So old farts like me and a few others of you can sip our suds in peace...

And not have to dance the funky monkey.

That's it for now. Thank you, gentlemen.

Your division sergeant major...

Is all alone on the battalion field!

Morning, sergeant major. And a fine one it is.

Would you and your men care to take the air with me? Be the highlight of our day.

Battalion!

Company, right face!

Forward! Battalion march!

Huh!

Column left, huh!

Double time!

I'm gonna rock the livin' day!

Shake, rattle and roll, everybody!

Shake, rattle and roll, everybody!

Pick it up! Pick it up!

- Set 'em down! - Set 'em down!

Rock it straight. Rock it straight.