The Kangaroo Chronicles (Die Känguru-Chroniken)

Fuck, I shouldn't have brought you to the studio.

I shouldn't have brought YOU to the studio.

Hi. My name is Marc-Uwe, this film's narrator.

And the kangaroo is here, foo.

You mean you're here, foo.

- I'd like to tell you my story. - Your story? Are you kidding?

- Are you going to butt in all the time? - You're butting in.

- Okay, may I tell "our” story now, please? - Go ahead.

Please, start.

I'm not holding you back.

- Start. - All right. Cue the film.

Help! Help!

No, no, stop.

Start way before that. Rewind.

You drive me crazy.

Hello. Marc-Uwe...

No, no. Way before that.

Know what? Best if you start right at the beginning.

Fine. I'll start right at the beginning.

WHAT HAPPENED SO FAR

NOTHING

There once was a spot

where material and energy density were infinite.

A singularity

where the general theory of relativity did not apply.

And then, the following happened.

The goddamn big bang? Seriously?

- You said right from the beginning. - You're such a nitpicker.

Wait, I have a good start now.

13.8 BILLION YEARS LATER

Once upon a time, not long ago

in a galaxy very, very close by...

Sorry to interrupt, but you promised Nirvana would play at the beginning.

- That is not Nirvana. - Any idea how much it costs?

We spent all our budget on Hasselhoff.

I should never have agreed to be in a German comedy!

I had an offer from Marvel. This never would've happened.

Stop whining.

Help me find a good start for the film.

I think we've screwed it up already.

That is me, by the way. A young man with a migraine background.

That's not you!

No, of course not. That's the actor who plays me.

I'd have liked to play myself, but I'm too...

- Too old and ugly? - I'm not an actor.

Now shut up. This is my movie.

- Did you see the poster? - Who wrote the book?

It's not called "The Marc-Uwe Chronicles”.

This is my movie, and...

AUDIO COMMENTARY OFF

Think of your migraine as an annoying aunt,

who comes to visit every once in a while.

The best thing is to take a walk with Auntie Migraine.

Hi! I just rented the place across the hall a few days ago.

Well, maybe "rented" isn't the right way to put it!

I wanted to make some pancakes and realized I forgot to buy eggs.

I see.

Oh... Right.

Your doorbell sounds terrible.

Four eggs will do.

- Thank you very much. - No problem.

Wow, that was quick.

I just realized I don't have any salt either.

For the pancakes, you know?

And if you'd have some milk, too... Otherwise, they get too dry.

MOVIE MILK

And half a bag of flour. It not supposed to be an omelet!

HALF A BAG OF FLOUR

That is so kind of you. Thanks.

Yeah.

Thank you so much.

- Good thinking! - Yeah, right?

If you happen to have a whisk and a bowl...

This is my answering machine. Say "peep” after your message.

- Very kind, thanks. - Maria here.

- And... - Wow, an answering machine.

Thought they only existed in movies with sloppy exposition.

I need a babysitter,

but it seems you're not lounging around at home as usual. Pity. "Peep!”

No, no...

No stove.

Yeah...

Not into tidying up either, huh?

May I ask what your job is?

- Why? - You're at home all day.

And no offense, but it's...

well past 3 p.m. and you're still in your pajamas.

- I'm an artist. - Really?

- I work nights. - Aha.

- A self-selling artist? - Self-employed.

- With music and stuff? - Yeah, sometimes.

- Play something, then. - No.

Go on!

Don't worry, I used to sing, too. In a punk band called "The Sick Sisters".

Your song can't be any worse than that.

Yeah, cool.

You hang around with me a lot

You share everything I've got

- You're a sort of hobby artist. - No, I'm not.

And you perform that? That was pretty mediocre.

- And what about you? - Me? What do you mean?

- Sorry, it's 3 p.m. and you're... - I'm a communist.

- Is that a problem? - Nope.

Your family's over, but you have no table?

And what about you?

I'm an anarchist.

- A moderate anarchist. - Cool!

We can be friends until the revolution starts!

Things will get tricky after that.

- Police. - Yes.

Exactly. We police.

- We ARE the police. - Right.

Have you ever seen a kangaroo here?

No.

It's an animal with a pouch, long tail, pointy ears...

- I know what a kangaroo looks like. - May we come in?

- Absolutely not. - Thank you.

Hold on.

The property facility informed us

that a kangaroo has occupied an apartment here.

But you didn't bump into a kangaroo here?

Nope...

Excuse me, what are you doing? All this is private.

- We're just doing our job. - Okay.

Don't you want to take a look under my bed?

Maybe you'll find my privacy there, cause I lost it a few minutes ago.

Oh, no... No!

Call us if you see a kangaroo, okay?

Okay. Here's my top tip: Australia.

Mr. Klinger!

- Happy birthday from your phone company! - What?

You're our last landline customer in Kreuzberg...

- Thanks. - ...So this wonderful bouquet is for you.

Perhaps you could...

All right, maybe next time then.

It's only me.

Thank you so much.

- Excuse me... - Real nice of you not to snitch on me.

Excuse me, why are you bringing your stuff...?

Let's be on first-name terms.

Seems dumb to be so formal since we're going to live together.

Don't you think?

Champagne truffles?

No, thanks. I don't like them...

I'll hang my hammock here, if that's okay with you.

And the punching bag here?

- This is my living room... - "Mine", "yours".

Those are merely categories of the bourgeoisie.

How are the pancakes coming along? Didn't you want to make pancakes?

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

You and... the two of us, I mean.

THE KANGAROO CHRONICLES

You hang around with me a lot

Yeah, so what?

You share everything I've got

How nice of me!

- You vacuum in the middle of the night - Better than not at all

What you do differs from everything Everyone thinks right

Your behavior leads me to believe

That we might be friends

That's pretty far-fetched!

Your behavior leads me to believe

- That we might be friends - That's what YOU think

- If I have a date you are not leavin' - A dale? Seriously?

When I help you, you say we're even It's really awesome...

- Catch! - ...how you make every conflict worse

I just want to let you know...

- Uh-huh? - You get on my nerves!

Your behavior leads me to believe

That we might be friends

Slam dunk, you losers!

Your behavior leads me to believe

That we might be friends

Let's say good acquaintances

When I have a plan You think yours is better

And rightly so

When I am all upset You're even upsetter

That's not a word!

There's no one I'd rather argue with

Because I know we agree That everybody else is really

- ...much dumber than we! - True

Your behavior leads me to believe

- That we might be friends - I've heard enough. Time for me to join in

Get up!

A YEAR LATER

Oh... so that's it? Too bad.

Today we're reporting from the headquarters of Our Homeland Inc.

I'm joined here by Jörg Dwigs.

Mr. Dwigs, why would a successful businessman

get involved in politics as a right-wing populist?

Right-wing populist... Please.

Jörg Dwigs expresses the will of the people.

And I think what our country needs is a little healthy patriotism.

"Healthy patriotism". Sounds like "benign tumor".

It might not be life-threatening, but it's still a tumor, you know?

Whatever.

All right. The first rule of the boxing club is:

don't talk about the boxing club.

The second rule of the boxing club is:

don't talk about the boxing club. Why is this easy to remember?