Seinfeld

I think people think of their office as a stationery store with Danish.

You know what I mean? You wanna get your pastry...

...your envelopes, your supplies...

...your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.

Why do people that work in offices...

...have pictures of their family on their desk facing them?

Do they forget that they're married?

Do they go, "5:00. Time to hit the bars and pick up hookers.

Hold it a second.

I got a wife and three kids. I better get home.

I completely forgot."

- She hasn't told her father yet? - We're supposed to tell him tonight.

- What do you mean, "we're"? - Susan wants me to be there.

You're meeting the father for the first time?

- Yeah. - You'll make quite an impression...

...when you tell him how you burned his cabin down.

I didn't burn it down. Kramer did.

I mean, the whole thing is ironic. Think of it.

The guy's nice enough to give you a box of very fine Cuban cigars-

- I know what happened. - No, wait.

- Then you dump them off onto Kramer. - I know.

Who proceeds to burn the man's cabin down...

...with one of those very same cigars.

It's very comical.

Maybe we shouldn't start writing today.

I got a lot on my mind.

We've put this off long enough. Today's the day.

I wonder how Susan's father's gonna react.

What's the worst he can do? So you burn a house down.

Come on.

Not even a house. It's like a cabin.

We could build a cabin like that.

Well, maybe not us, but two men could.

BICs? What, did you get BICs?

What, you got a problem with the pen, now?

I like a Rolling Writer. They're smooth.

All right, let's just get to work.

NBC pilot. Seinfeld Project.

Act 1, Scene A.

So you're gonna sit there?

Let me explain to you...

...one of the key elements involved in the writing process.

Because it may seem outwardly...

...that the pen and the paper and the chair play a large role.

But they're all somewhat incidental to the actual using of the brain.

Okay, so just- Just park yourself.

All right. Act 1, Scene A.

- Drink? - No. No drink.

- All right. Here we go. - Act 1, Scene A.

- Weren't you supposed to call Elaine? - Yes.

Hi, is Elaine there?

Oh, hi, Sandra.

Yeah, I can hold.

Every time I call, I gotta chitchat with her assistant for, like, 20 minutes.

Oh, hi, Sandra. Listen, I'm at a pay phone.

There's a lot of people waiting to use it.

I'll be off in a minute!

Yeah, could you put me through to Elaine?

Okay, thanks.

Are you thinking of ideas?

Is there any way I can get you directly?

Every time I call, Sandra bends my ear for, like, 20 minutes.

So we're on for later?

Yeah, I'll come by after work.

Hey, I got a rubber-pencil thing happening here.

I gotta go. I gotta go.

Sandra? Sandra?

Can you come here for a second?

- Okay. Let's go. - Here we go.

- You got it? Here we go. - Yeah.

Okay, how about this:

I'm in my apartment. You come in.

It's beautiful.

And what do I say?

Could you do me a favour?

When my friends call...

...could you not talk to them for too long?

Why, did Jerry say something?

No. No.

He must've said something.

Oh, no, he didn't say anything.

- I can't work for you. - Oh, God.

- I can't. I'm leaving. - No, Sandra...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I really am.

Listen, Jerry's under a lot of pressure right now.

It's very hard being a stand-up comedian.

Sometimes they don't laugh.

- All right, let's get going. - All right, let's go to work.

- Let's go. - Okay.

- Hey. - We're in the middle of something.

- We're trying to do a little work here. - Yeah, come on.

What's with you?

- No more golf. - Why?

Remember I told you about the pro at the Westchester Country Club...

...who's letting me play every time I gave him those Cuban cigars?

- Yeah. - Yeah, well, I lost them all in the fire!

Hey, George, maybe you can ask Susan's father for some more.

What are you, crazy?

I can't ask the guy for more cigars after you burned down his cabin.

What's one thing got to do with another?

Kramer, please.

Well, I can't go back to the public courses now.

I can't. I won't.

I mean, you know what that's like? It's crowded.

The grass has big brown patches in it.

They don't rake the sand traps.

Not to mention the calibre of people you have to play with.

I can't help you. You're gonna have to get them someplace else.

Where? They're Cubans.

- You know what? I should take off. - What?

I gotta go to Susan's parents' house for dinner.

I wanna shower first, and I wanna leave plenty of time.

You got four hours. What about the script?

I think we got a bite on it.

Doesn't George look like your sister Sara?

A slight resemblance.

Her son's a podiatrist, you know.

Oh, I have tremendous respect for people who work with feet.

I mean, to dedicate yourself to the foot...

You're toiling in virtual anonymity. I mean...

How are you enjoying those cigars I gave you?

Oh, the cigars.

I'm sucking them down.

I'm puffing my brains out, yeah.

You know, those cigars are made special for Castro.

I did not know that.

Weird. Wild.

- What? - He's doing Johnny Carson, Daddy.

I didn't care much for his jokes.

- Daddy never laughs. - Oh, well, so what?

Laughter. What is that?

I mean, what is the point of opening your mouth and going:

What is that?

You know, you can't get those cigars anywhere.

You and your cigars.

Wear some more lipstick.

Daddy, there's- There's something that we have to talk to you about.

Oh, I forgot to ask you: how'd you like the cabin?

Oh, the- The cabin.

Well...

After we get off the phone you tell her?

Of course she knows it was me who complained.

Now I'm responsible for this woman quitting.

- Oh, this is unbelievable. - I know.

I screwed up. It's all my fault.

- Would you call her? - Oh, dial the number.

How could you do this?

I was just trying to help you.

Trying to help me.

Hello. Sandra.

Hi, this is Jerry Seinfeld.

Listen, I wanted to tell you there's been a terrible misunderstanding.

See, I told Elaine...

...that it was a real treat talking to you on the phone.

And she thought I was being sarcastic because I'm a comedian, and all.

She thought, I think, "Yeah, it's a real treat talking to her on the phone."

But I was really being sincere.

No, of course I like you.

Tonight?

Hold on a second.

- She wants to have a drink with me. - Just go. Go.

- Oh, I don't- - Go.

Yeah, I think I can.

Yeah, I know where that is.

Okay. I'll see you there. Okay, bye.

Now I gotta have a drink with her.

The cabin.

Well...

Susan?

- About the cabin- - I love that place.

My father built that cabin in 1947.

My mother was recuperating from impetigo at the time...

...and Dad thought it would be a good idea to get her out into the fresh air.

She died there the following winter.

And Dad passed away 10 years later to the day.

His last words to me were:

"Cherish the cabin."

Not, "Take care of your sister." She's a paraplegic.

But, "Cherish the cabin."

And I have, for 45 years.

It's often been a sanctuary for me.

Kind of like Superman's Fortress of Solitude.

What?

Superman.

He built a Fortress of Solitude up at the North Pole...

...to, you know, sort of get away from it all.

When I go, I'm passing it on to her.

Well, I'll take a hotel any day.

- Daddy? - Yes.

Daddy, about the cabin.

Look, Henry, I spilled wine on me.

- What about it? - Well, the thing is...

- What? What is it? - Well, the cabin is kind of...

- George? - Burned.

- Burned? - There was a fire, and it-

Burned.

- The cabin burned? - Yeah, burned.

Burned?

Was anything found?

Was it all burned to the ground? Did they find anything?