Bad Witch

Dad?

Where are you?

Here.

Good morning.

What time is it?

Late.

What? Tim is gonna freak.

I need a good excuse.

Just tell him you're leaving him for a more handsome man.

I'll see ya later.

One way or another, she's gonna get what she wants,

and you're gonna be wondering if it's yours.

- Hey, guys. - Oh.

- Here's the meat. - Thank you.

- Birthday girl. - Happy birthday.

- Uh, hey, Trish? - Yeah?

- Yeah. - She could topple over

at any moment.

- Heels to a barbeque? - Dude, all I'm saying is that

I'll get her a little puppy,

- but that's it. - That's what you think.

I already to, as soon as she sees her friends

popping out a couple, she's gonna want one of her own.

It's what always happens.

It's not gonna happen.

Ah, dammit.

She invited him?

- Oh, just in time. - Happy birthday, beautiful girl.

- Huh? - Thank you.

Play cool.

What are you doing here?

What's the matter, you got shit in your ears?

What is that?

Some cliché bad-guy shit you heard in an '80s movie?

You come back here again,

and I'll kill you.

Are you sure you wanna fuck with me?

Hey.

Is everything okay?

Yeah.

Everything's fine.

We were just palling around.

Yeah.

Happy birthday.

He's a nice guy, that's all.

- He's an idiot! - No, he's not.

- Are you jealous? - Oh, please,

like you can do better than me anyways.

Babe, I just got you this.

What the fuck are you doing?

Guess they were right about you.

No!

Guess the witch hunt's over now.

What?

What is this?

grunting

Serves you right for never wanting to teach me.

For fuck's sake, Henry, you know I couldn't do that.

I'll go easy on it.

But, you know what happens to us when we stop using.

All right, but it always backfires.

That rarely happens.

Then, why are you here again, Xander?

I missed my friend.

Look, this is just who I am.

It's not like I ever made the news.

Whatever, dude, goodnight.

I'm not involved, and I have to be up

for work in the morning.

"Oh, I have to be up for work in the morning.

I have a job, I can make money,

I'm not a witch-guy, no, no."

Time out.

I am the Lord, when I lay my vengeance upon you.

Man or woman,

oh, there's a spiritualist

or medium among you.

He must die.

You ought to stone them.

Their blood will be upon their hands.

I'm talking to you.

Yes, you, Xander Perkins.

You old sinner heathen.

Witch.

Witch.

Witch!

Oh, God, Henry!

Henry!

Thou shall not suffer a witch to live.

- Witch, witch, witch, witch... - Witch, witch, witch, witch...

Henry, no, Henry!

Look, man, I don't have it.

No, I can't.

Well, what do you want me to say, tell you that I...?

Look, I'm gonna have to call you back, all right?

Mhm, bye.

What are you doing?

I need you to help me out.

You're right, I think I have to give up black magic.

At least for a little while.

Wow, cold turkey and all?

Can you just help me out, Henry?

All right, man, I'll see ya.

See ya.

Have fun with the children.

Oh, yeah, yeah, little shitheads.

What are you doing?

You know, now that you're not using,

you're gonna have to find a new way to make money.

Oh, you mean like get a job?

The diner's looking for help.

Yeah, right.

Do you want a place to crash or not?

Are you serious?

What's up, Veronica?

- Long time. - I just saw you in Biology.

You know what I mean.

Anyways, how's your story going?

Um, pretty well actually, yeah.

Yeah, you know actually Roland's writing this really cool story.

Oh, sick, that's dope.

Can you fuck off?

- Conrad. - What?

What, he's lurking, it's creepy.

So, what are you doing for prom?

I don't know yet.

- I can get us a limo. - Oh, a limo.

You won't regret it.

I'll think about it.

Sounds good.

Um, anyways, I've gotta go.

Big sister duty and everything, so.

Woo.

I'm totally gonna tap that ass.

Because that's just a thing that people say.

Yes, they do.

Waiter.

Waiter, waiter!

- Yeah, sorry, guys. - Can we please get some service?

Sorry about that, guys, I'm sorry.

All right, what can I get ya?

Well, I was actually

really in the mood for, um,

- a blowjob. - Yeah.

From your mom.

That's funny, guys.

Maybe some scrambled eggs and milk.

Is that you, Xander?

- I am. - All right, cool.

You got any experience?

None.

- You like working with people? - Nope.

Can you wash dishes?

- I guess. - Great, you start tomorrow.

Come on, kid, what are you waiting for, Halloween?

Dude, I'm seriously doing my best over here.

Well, use soap and water, it's not that hard.

Careful.

Sorry, but if... if Frank catches you,

- he's gonna lose his shit. - Oh.

Well, Frank can kiss my ass.

I'm Roland.

Xander.

You work here long?

About a year, it's okay.

It's my first day, and I'd rather

pick pieces of corn out of shit.

You get used to it.

Can hardly wait.

I'm... I'm gonna go back inside.

Hey, Roland.

Yeah?

You know you ought to tell those guys that bother you

to go fuck themselves?

Thanks, but I sorta don't wanna die.

Well, that looks disgusting.

- Do you wanna do the cooking? - No,

that is your responsibility.

Conrad, grab me one while you're at it, huh?

Yep.

- Thanks. - Mhm.

So, coach thinks I have a pretty chance

impressing the scouts next month.

Well, don't screw it up, okay?

Thanks, Uncle Fred.

- Thank you for your support. - Hey, listen,

you wanna get out of this shithole town?

This is it, I mean it.

Don't screw it up.

$380!

Oh, thank you!

Honey, are you ready to meet that new challenger?

Hey, Dad.

Let's bring in that new mystery challenger.

But, you know what happens to us when we stop using.

God.

Ow.

Oh, God!

Fuck, God.

Fuck!