On My Block

Turner! What the hell on earth was that practice?

Uh, you know.

Just an off day, Coach.

Off day, huh?

It seems like you're having a lot of off days lately.

I hear the football field's not the only place he has moves.

Girl, I'm ready for him to touch down in my end zone.

Nah, I'm ready to be tossed around like...

A bag of bullshit?

You're fired! Y'all supposed to be canvassing for Ruby, not Jamal!

You can't fire us if we aren't getting paid.

- What do you call those tamales? - Dry.

You're about to get a beatdown if you don't get outta my face!

Ruby's never gonna win.

That's a waste of paper.

Vote for Ruby!

- Never gonna win. - Not in that outfit.

No one's buying that you've been to a backyard punk show.

Which is what I said when you forced me into it.

We need a new look and not just a dumb haircut.

We need a look that sells.

Sex sells. Strip.

I'm not leaking nudes. What's the point?

- Being class president is your dream. - Yeah, and I ran and lost.

The first time.

But now fate has intervened,

and you have the opportunity to stand tall and claim what should be yours.

You know, once we put some lifts in your loafers.

Alexis resigned from the presidency

because she ran on a POC platform but was really FOS.

She can't fake tan.

I can't fake tall.

What people want is transparency, authenticity,

which is why Jamal might not win.

Not likely. He's got a bigger base of support.

We're the only ones that know that he's a poser.

What about the gang vote? It's still up for grabs.

No, I'm not talking to Cesar.

Well, shit. There goes my plan C.

And now that you wanna leave your "D" out of it,

we've come to our last resort, plan A.

- Attack. - No.

But the one who throws the first punch wins the fight.

I'm not playing dirty. It's not who I am.

Baby, you being you isn't gonna win this election.

- Button-down shirts don't poll well. - But policy does.

And had you listened to me from the get and focused on policy, we'd be ahead.

Hmm, policy hasn't won anything since... ever.

Popularity is the name of the game, which means you need to listen to me.

I'm not your puppet, Jasmine.

You're not talking about the election, are you?

- What else would I be talking about? - That afternoon.

Our "plus-one." You're still in your feelings about it.

I don't wanna talk about it.

- Well, maybe you need to. - No!

- I just need to be myself. - Okay. Okay. I hear you.

We'll do you, but with a splash of sexy.

You think you can shimmy into this?

Are you kidding?

Of course I can.

- I'm gonna lose. -

Don't speak it into existence.

Speak this instead.

Full-page presidential yearbook spread.

For free.

- We're gonna save so much money. - Keep talking.

Everyone is gonna be looking up to you, even while they're looking down.

Hola, Señor Presidente.

Sit.

- Let me help. - Mmm.

- You're not the only chef in this house. - I never said I was.

But your face did.

What's that smirk?

It's love, baby.

It's the look of love, but I wouldn't garnish those potatoes.

And the pork looks tough. Could have used a marinade.

Are you really gonna give me notes on my mom's recipe?

Isn't that why you're marrying me?

Sit down.

Oh, that's hot.

- Your daughter likes the heat... -

...which makes Mama worry

that she might not like living in Portland.

Is Mama really worried she won't like it? Or that Papa won't?

- It's really cold up there. - It's not that cold.

- It snows. - We're moving to be closer to your family.

And once I sign the lease for the restaurant, I gotta pay.

So if you wanna back out, you can't.

I won't.

But I'm worried you will.

- I'm not gonna back out, baby. - Even if you don't say goodbye?

- You need to talk to Cesar. - He won't return my calls.

So you can't pick up your feet and go see him?

Doesn't work that way.

Then think outside the box.

"Outside the box"?

In what way? How?

Like this.

Girl, you have no idea what you're talking about.

I can stay on beat.

Oh! Monica? Hold on.

Huh? Oh shit. Monica?

Uh... let... let me call you back. I got my aunt Claire on hold.

Jamal!

If you're gonna roll with more than one girl, don't get caught.

And just so you know,

the human face isn't designed to support the weight of a teenage girl.

That's fact.

Not recent fact.

A fact from age-appropriate memory.

Coach, how are things lookin' on the field?

I don't know. Ask Jamal.

I don't know. Ask Coach.

Jamal.

Coach.

Jamal.

Ronald.

Turner.

- Baldy. - Just cut the shit.

What's goin' on with my baby's future?

I mean, with his freaky speed and another 100 pounds, he could play D3.

- Could? - He's gotta stop getting distracted.

This week alone,

he's dropped three balls at practice.

With the playoffs approaching, he's gotta get his head back in the game.

Son, you need to turn off your hose and roll it up.

- All those girls can wait to get wet. - It's not the girls.

It's the election.

- Election? - Election?

Hi, Dad. How's Grandma?

Still sick. Now what is this election crap?

Senior class president. It was a last-minute thing.

Special election.

The girl who initially won pulled a Rachel Dolezal.

- Oh! - Mm-hmm.

I didn't wanna run, but everybody asked me to,

so as a man of the people, I couldn't say no.

Plus, another bullet point on the high school resume never hurt.

Seriously, it's not a distraction. My opponent doesn't stand a chance.

Who are you running against?

Ruby!

Ay! Ruby!

- Ruby! Ay! - Jasmine! Yes, Jasmine!

- Jasmine! - Ay, Papi!

- Wait. Hold it. Hold... - Oh! Oh! That's new.

This is not okay.

I knocked on the door when I got home.

I knocked on the door when I started dinner.

I knocked on the door when dinner was ready!

Now the twins are sleeping, and they're gonna wake them up!

They won't. At this point, it's just white noise.

This is how it starts.

You don't say nothing, then, boom!

Baby needs a baba.

And by baby, I mean Ruby,

who most definitely will be nursing a bad UTI.

- - This is not okay.

We're a good Catholic family.

God is definitely punishing me for something.