G'wed

Whoa!

That's 14 minutes till your fucking bus, Reece.

Bang out of order!

Four shouts water rule!

What if I stay in bed now? What's the five shouts rule?

Fucking fire!

How am I supposed to go to school if I don't even have my uniform?!

I put it next to your fucking bed, Reece!

Oh. Thanks, Mum.

You're fucking welcome.

Go on. Oh, wait.

You forgot my kiss.

Hang on, what? We don't even do that.

You were gonna though, weren't you? Soft shite!

No, I weren't. You're off you head, you, you know.

Come here. Mwah!

Have a good day. Love you.

Love you.

'Don't Sweat The Technique' by Eric B & Rakim

Oh, my God.

What's that?

Morning, Pat, lad.

# Don't sweat the technique

# Don't sweat the technique

# Let's trace the hints And check the file

# Let see who bit To detect the style

# I flip the script So they can't get foul

# At least not now It'll take a while

# I change the pace To complete the beat

# I drop the bass Till MCs get weak... #

Oh, there he is. Come on, lad! What's happening?

See you soon.

CHEERING

# Mo Salah, Mo Salah Made it on the bus. #

LAUGHTER

# MCs wanna beef Then I play for keeps

# When they sweat the technique. #

That's a tough one. Mm.

Mike Woodworth's.

Yeah, how'd you get that?

Kinda looks like him.

You got 12 out of 15, girl. Go 'ead.

What are you gonna do with them?

It's ammunition, innit? If they ever wind me up,

then I'm putting their tiny cocks on the Year 11 group chat.

But if I'm just starving,

like today, I actually forgot to have my breakfast.

So I threatened Sevo unless he got me these.

LAUGHTER

Lads are so thick. Hm.

You ask, and they send within seconds.

We could make our own version of Guess Who?

Has your cock got FIFA in the background?

Hmm, has your cock got a wide base but a narrow head?

LAUGHTER

Hey, speaking of bell ends, who's this?

Looks like he's just tested positive

for defo getting his head caved in today.

That's that posh muppet from earlier.

Eh?

Dickhead.

Ooh! You're in trouble!

That was dead funny, yesterday.

Reckon she'll snitch, though?

Chinese people don't grass, lad. It's not part of the culture.

What I really need to know, Reece, is was it racially motivated?

YOU'RE racially motivated, lad.

The mouse was in Li Wei's pencil case.

Li Hua is in 11E.

So let's say we forget about all this expelling silliness,

and I'll say nothing to no-one about you being...

..the top dog for the Ku Klux Klan Woolton branch.

Sit down, Reece.

I get it. Practical jokes can be funny.

A friend of mine found images of me and his wife on my computer.

He was convinced that they were real,

but they were just photoshops.

Very real-looking photoshops.

Anyway, Reece,

this has been a continual pattern of poor behaviour,

and I can't ignore the complaints of the East Asian Society.

You what?

She's not even Asian!

We cannot, and we will not, stand by

while toxic western men like Reece Duffy

exhibit abhorrent behaviour aimed at our community.

SPEAKS MANDARIN

You gave me no choice, Reece. I've already informed your mother.

'You're gonna answer my FaceTime!

'Expelled?

'Are you fucking serious, gobshite?!

'You know, I've always thought I was doing a good job with you.

'I was determined I wasn't gonna let you be affected

'by your dad not being around, and with this,

'you're making me question whether I've been a good mother at all.'

Isn't it funny how we're mates,

but if your mum would let me bury my face in her arse,

I would without hesitation?

Isn't that weird?

I've never really thought about it, mate.

Would we really not be mates anymore?

We'd get through it.

I suppose, yeah, but...

I doubt you'd ever come round for tea again, though.

Nah. See, now, that's a problem,

cos your ma makes a sick pork casserole.

Oh, I'm gonna have to rethink.

All right, Wigbert, lad. All right, fucking Barnaby, lad.

Fucking Norman, lad.

Fucking Npeter with a silent "N" at the start.

Let me guess, then.

What, your sisters have hyphenated names

to try and sound posher? Like Ruby-Mae or Louise-Rose?

Ted, how does he know your little sister's name?

You'll get pasted, lad.

Wait, I need him. Paste him later.

Agree to everything I say to Mr Meacher. Yeah?

So, let me get this straight, Reece.

You are offering to look after Christopher here

as a kind of last chance saloon?

Well, I feel for him, being new.

Look at the state of him.

He looks so posh, like he doesn't just play rugby,

but he plays it with Prince William

constantly bumming him around the pitch.

I know that I can't do great things,

but I can do small things,

and if we all do small things,

then together we can do a great thing,

like Uncle Dale...

..and turn it around.

OK, Reece, then report back here on Friday at 9am.

If I'm happy and Christopher's happy,

we'll discuss you staying here.

Close the door on the way out.

So, what did we think of the character of Mr Darcy

at the beginning of the story?

Why are you worried about what we think about Mr Darcy, sir,

when our Lizzie is the sound one here

but nobody cares about her?

Do you not care about women, sir? Your wife left you

and now you hate women, sir? I'm not married or have been.

You're about 40 and never been married?

It's a bit dodgy, that, sir.

Unless you think you're too good for women, sir?

Think you're all that, do you, sir? Like all men do.

LAUGHTER

Erm, Con, are you messing?

I tricked you into sending me nudes

cos you thought I was gonna send you one back.

Even after the 50th nude, you still didn't click on.

Fifty, though?

Did you not think this ain't happening?

I thought a fresh angle might win her over.

And Reece, you defo think you're all that.

Didn't stop you from kissing us, though.

I was drunk.

It was two years ago.

Paedo, then.

OK, that's... that's enough.

So, Mr Darcy.

Nah, Mum.

Come on, I'll call social services and tell them you're starving me.

I've already spoken to them. I told them what you did.

They said to starve the little fucker.

I've got a plan.

I've agreed with Meachie to mentor this new kid.

Who the fuck are they gonna let you mentor?

Him there.

What, him, the lanky one?

Hiya, excuse me, hi.

Yeah, you.

Is our Reece mentoring you?

Er... er...

Oh, has he got a disability?

Is that why you've gotta mentor him?

No, Mum.

Oi, hiya, yeah, hiya.

Are you depressed?!

Is that why you're sat on your own?

What's he going red for?

Oi, you wet fart! I asked you a question!

LAUGHTER

Good luck with mentoring that one. He's got no fucking manners.

Trust me, it's gonna work.

KNOCK AT WINDOW

HE MOUTHS

What the hell are you doing here?

I don't need any help settling in.

Christopher?

Some Viennetta, love. We don't always slum it here, you know.

Oh, sorry, I didn't know you were entertaining a guest.

I'll leave you two, to er, get to know each other.

Why did you take your shirt off?

Christopher?

Would you like some juice?

Sorry, Pat, it's just Chrissy keeps insisting

I'll be more comfortable if I take my trousers off.

I don't get it. I'm not hot.

I didn't ask him to... We're not...