Tales from the Crypt

OOH, I JUST LOVE HOW YOUR HAIR HAS GROAN OUT!

A LITTLE SCREAM RINSE AND CONDITIONER,

AND IT'LL LOOK FABU!

IF YOU DON'T LOOK DEAD, WE DON'T LOOK DEAD.

OH. HELLO, KIDDIES!

YOU'RE RIGHT ON TIME FOR YOUR APPOINTMENT.

YOU KNOW, IT WAS ALWAYS ONE OF MY GHOULS IN DEATH

TO OPEN MY OWN SCARE SALON.

NOW, LET'S SEE...

A FEW SHRIEKS IN YOUR HAIR WOULD LOOK GOOD.

A BOO-FAUNT WOULD LOOK EVEN BETTER!

OR MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO TRY TONIGHT'S

DIE-FASHION STATEMENT.

IT'S A NASTY NUGGET THAT ASKS THE QUESTION,

ZOM-BIE, OR NOT ZOM-BIE.

I CALL IT "HALFWAY HORRIBLE."

HALFWAY HORRIBLE

YOU RECOGNIZE HIM?

IT'S DAN KING.

HE WORKED IN YOUR COMPANY.

HE FOUNDED IT WITH ME.

THAT'S EXTHION-B,

THE PRESERVATIVE MY COMPANY'S ABOUT TO INTRODUCE.

WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

MR. KING TOOK 4O CCs OF YOUR PRESERVATIVE EXTHION-B

RIGHT INTO HIS NECK.

THEY TOLD ME THAT HIS HEAD WON'T ROT FOR 100 YEARS.

WHAT'S IN THIS SHIT?

WELL, BASICALLY IT'S AN HERB FROM THE RAIN FOREST.

FOUND THIS IN HIS POCKET.

"I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN OR FORGIVEN."

AT FIRST WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUICIDE,

BUT HIS HANDWRITING ISN'T MATCHING.

MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

NO.

JESUS.

SOMEBODY PUT IT ON AFTER HE DIED.

YOU HAVE ANY ASPIRIN?

SURE.

THANKS.

FOUND THIS IN DAN KING'S APARTMENT.

THAT'S BRAZIL.

A MILLION YEARS AGO.

THERE'S DAN, ME, KEVIN,

AND ALEX.

ALEX DIED DOWN THERE.

YOU HAVE ANY ENEMIES, MR. LASSEN?

I'M THE PRESIDENT

OF AN INTERNATIONAL CHEMICAL COMPANY.

WELL, IS THERE ANYBODY YOU CAN THINK OF

WITH ACCESS TO THIS CHEMICAL

THAT MIGHT WANT YOU OR DAN KING DEAD?

NOT FOR A LONG TIME.

THIS IS CRAZY, ROGER.

WE CAME DOWN HERE TO LEARN, DANIEL.

NOT THIS.

COME ON.

THESE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS

FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS.

WE'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL.

YEAH, MAYBE, KEVIN,

BUT WHAT A RIDE IT'S GONNA BE.

THINK OF THE SECRETS, HUH?

THINGS NO ONE'S EVER SEEN BEFORE.

FUCK, MAN, I DIDN'T COME HERE TO SEE THIS.

YOU'VE TAKEN US TO A PLACE

WE CAN'T TURN BACK FROM, ROGER.

THIS SIDE OF YOU, IT'S EVIL.

ALL THE WAY. WE CAME DOWN HERE TO GO ALL THE WAY.

EVERYBODY HAS AN EVIL SIDE.

THE SECRET IS JUST LEARNING HOW TO KEEP IT ON A LEASH.

STILL GOT THAT HEADACHE?

MMM.

YOU KNOW, I HAD A FRIEND THAT WORKED

IN A CHEMICAL PLANT IN BATON ROUGE.

HE USED TO GET HEADACHES, TOO.

HIS WHOLE HEAD ROLLED OFF

LIKE A BOWLING BALL ONE DAY.

HELL OF A SIGHT.

I DON'T WORK IN THE PLANT. I OWN IT.

SORRY.

"I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN OR FORGIVEN."

THIS IS NO GOOD, ROGER.

NO, SIR.

HE KNOWS WHERE I LIVE.

HE?

YOU KNOW-- HE, SHE, IT.

SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS WHERE I FUCKIN' LIVE.

YOU WANT A LITTLE PIECE OF ADVICE

FROM YOUR LOCAL POLICE DEPARTMENT?

WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE TOWN FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.

AND MAYBE WE CAN FIND OUT

WHO THIS HE, SHE OR IT IS.

OH, NO, I CAN'T LEAVE TOWN NOW.

MY COMPANY'S DEBUTING A NEW PRODUCT IN A WEEK.

WE'RE IN THE FINAL STAGES OF FDA APPROVAL.

I'VE WAITED YEARS FOR THIS.

IT'S YOUR LIFE.

OH.

I KNOW I KEEP ASKING YOU THIS.

ARE YOU SURE THERE'S NOBODY?

NOBODY AT ALL THAT YOU CAN REMEMBER

THAT MIGHT WANT TO SEE YOU DEAD?

NAH, NOBODY.

OK.

NOBODY ALIVE.

HERE WE GO.

OH, MY GOD. LOOK AT THAT, LOOK AT THAT.

OOH...

BE CAREFUL, THAT'S A--

WHOA, LOOK AT THAT.

PUT IT AWAY, COME ON.

HANG ON A MINUTE, LOOK OUT FOR THAT.

HEY, PACK IT UP, GUYS.

WE'VE GOTTA CHECK OUT.

IS THAT IT?

HEY, HEY, WHOA! WHOA!

WHY, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

UH, TROUBLE WITH THE LOCAL COPS, YOU KNOW.

NOT ENOUGH BRIBES OR SOMETHING, I DON'T KNOW.

THEY'RE GONNA BUST US ON VISA CHARGES.

YOU KNOW, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE KNEW IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.

WHAT ABOUT ALEX?

WELL, HE'S ALREADY IN TOWN.

HE'S GONNA TAKE ANOTHER PLANE OUT.

WE'LL SEE HIM IN L.A.

ANOTHER PLANE? YEAH.

WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?

WHY WOULD HE DO THAT, MAN? HEY!

WHAT? DO YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

IN A BRAZILIAN JAIL? IS THAT IT?

DO WHAT I TELL YOU, PACK THIS SHIT UP

AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. WE DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME.

HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

CATCH UP TO YOU.

ROGER.

HEY, ALEX.

NO FREE LUNCH, BUDDY.

THE TRIBE DEMANDED A TRADE.

THEY WANTED A SACRIFICE IN EXCHANGE FOR THEIR SECRETS.

YOU.

YOU CAN'T DO THIS.

ALL THE WAY. WE CAME DOWN HERE TO GO ALL THE WAY.

BUT NOT LIKE THIS.

ROGER, YOU CAN'T DO THIS--

I'M YOUR--I'M YOUR BEST FRIEND, ROGER.

ROGER! NO!

ROGER!

YOU CAN'T DO THIS!

ROGER, I'M YOUR BEST FRIEND.

SORRY.

ROGER, YOU CAN'T DO THIS.

NO! ROGER!

NO! ROGER! NO!

ROGER!

NO! OH, GOD! NO!

MR. LASSEN'S OFFICE.

ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.

MR. LASSEN'S OFFICE.

ONE MOMENT, PLEASE. I'LL SEE IF HE'S AVAILABLE.

AND YOU GOT TO PARTICIPATE IN THESE RITUALS,

AND SEE HOW IT MADE US USE THE HERB?

WELL, FOR SOME OF THE PLANTS, WE HAD TO, UH--HAD TO

OH. THANK YOU.

THAT'S--THAT'S FASCINATING.

AND IT'S FROM THESE HERBS

THAT YOU DISCOVERED IN THE RAIN FORESTS OF BRAZIL

THAT YOUR COMPANY IS DEVELOPING INTO THE PRESERVATIVE--

EXTHION-B. YES.

WITH THE INTRODUCTION OF THIS PRODUCT,

MANKIND WILL FINALLY HAVE A PRESERVATIVE

THAT WILL KEEP FOOD FRESH LITERALLY FOREVER.

AND IT IS COMPLETELY SAFE.

AND WHAT DO YOU THINK THE RAMIFICATIONS FOR US WOULD BE?

THEY'RE ENORMOUS.

TRY THIS ON.

FAMINE WILL BE BANISHED FROM THE EARTH FOREVER.

SEE, NOW? THAT IS REMARKABLE, AND I HAVE TO ADMIT

THAT, UH, I'M A LITTLE SKEPTICAL.

BUT I UNDERSTAND YOU'VE PREPARED A DEMONSTRATION.

WELL, LET'S CALL IT BRUNCH, SHALL WE?

NOW. THESE APPLES WERE HARVESTED OVER 2 YEARS AGO

AND TREATED WITH EXTHION-B.

2 YEARS.

MM-HMM.

GO AHEAD.

DELICIOUS.

LIKE JUST OFF THE TREE.

IT'S A WHOLE NEW WORLD.

WOOD THAT YOU USE IN THE CONSTRUCTION OF YOUR HOME

WILL NEVER ROT. THE CLOTHING YOU WEAR WILL NEVER FADE.

IT'S REMARKABLE.

ALREADY I'M THINKING OF THE MONEY THAT I'LL SAVE ON SUITS.

WELL, IF YOU'VE GOT A GOOD FASHION SENSE,

YOU SHOULD BE ALL RIGHT.

I THINK THAT ABOUT DOES IT.

BARBARA? WE CAN-- WE CAN WRAP UP.

MR. LASSEN, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR TIME.

THANK YOU, ROBERT.

EXCUSE ME IF I DON'T SEE YOU OUT. OF COURSE.