South Park

¶

- ¶ I'm goin' down to south park ¶

¶ gonna have myself a time

¶ friendly faces everywhere

¶ humble folks without temptation ¶

- ¶ I'm goin' down to south park ¶

¶ gonna leave my woes behind

- ¶ ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ¶

- ¶ headin' on up to south park, gonna see if I can't unwind ¶

¶

- ¶ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ¶

Hey, everyone, excuse me.

Everybody, can I just have a second of your time, please?

Everyone listen up.

Listen, everybody, I, uh-- I owe kyle a big apology,

And I want to do it in front of everyone

Because I was wrong, kyle.

About what?

I'm afraid that kyle and I

Got into a little disagreement yesterday.

Yeah, yeah, it was pretty nasty.

And I was totally wrong and you were right, kyle.

I thought only humans could be gingers.

Davin here? Davin miller.

Oh, yeah, there you are.

I owe you an apology, too, davin.

When kyle said that humans weren't the only species

That could have light skin and freckles,

I totally laughed in his face.

But it turns out kyle was right.

There are other animals that can be ginger as well.

I didn't believe it.

I guess I didn't want to believe it.

But this morning I saw a red-haired light-skinned cow,

I owe you, kyle, and you, davin, my sincerest apologies.

- Where did you find a red-haired cow?

- Oh, would you guys like see it?

There, there it is right there, see?

A red-headed cow.

whoa!

Look at it! - You were right, kyle.

A ginger cow.

I shall never question your keen intellect again.

Wow, that's pretty trippy.

- Yeah. Yeah, be sure to get some pictures of it.

I'm pretty sure this occurs only rarely in nature.

- All right, cartman, joke's over.

- What joke? This is real. - Tell everyone you made the cow

Look like that. - No! No, you were right, kyle.

I was wrong! - Boy, eric.

I sure do admire your courage

To admit when you've made a mistake.

Thank you, butters!

- I gotta go show this to my mom.

- Let's go get the kindergarteners.

They're gonna wanna see this too.

- Yeah, be sure to show everyone, guys.

It's really amazing.

Ha ha. Ah, too good, too, too good.

- Even the dumbest lie can have big consequences.

Yes, you're right, kyle.

I'm sure that is going to have earth-shattering consequences.

Your attention, please.

Will kyle broflovski report to the principal's office?

- Huh? - Kyle broflovski

To the principal's office. Please. Mkay.

- Ha ha! What you do, kyle?

- Nothing. - Busted!

Thanks for coming, kyle.

What's going on?

- Kyle, these men have apparently come

All the way from israel to speak with me,

But we need a translator.

I don't speak hebrew.

- Kyle, please try your best. It seems pretty important.

This boy...Mkay... Is jew.

Mkay? Jew like you. Okay?

Please... Please try...Speak to jew.

We're just trying to tell them

That we come on very urgent business.

Anything?

- He said they come on urgent business.

Oh, what do they need?

- Look, we believe this school has something

Which is of the utmost important to our people.

We wish to see the red cow.

- The red--come on, you can't possibly be here for that.

- For what? What did he say, kyle?

Please, you must understand.

The fate of the world is at stake.

The coming of a red heifer is the most holy sign

In all of judaism.

It signals the beginning of the end.

It is not just our religion,

But islam and christianity as well.

They all agree on one thing--

That the red heifer means the end of times.

- Did you catch any of that, kyle?

- It's right over here by the--

Oh, my holy schmear!

- The muslims, they beat us here.

What's going on, kyle?

- He said the muslims beat them here.

God damn it!

- Step away. You all know what this means.

- Yes. And you know you're about to die.

- Hold on, everybody, this thing isn't even--

Don't touch it!

- Well, I just ran to the school and told everyone

Hey, there's a red-headed cow outside.

You should all see it. - Cartman, stop!

You don't know what you're doing.

- I'm pretty sure that this cow can make ginger cheese

Which is like a swiss cheese,

Except instead of holes it has freckles.

nooooo!

- The muslims and the christians are calling for a meeting

To discuss the terms of war.

- Very well. Let us meet to discuss

How the world as we know it ends.

All right, so far we agree

There'll be no automatic rifles,

No shanks, and no chemical weapons.

- If there can be no chemical weapons,

Then the christians can use no nuclear weapons.

- Oh, come on. Without nuclear weapons,

What kind of final armageddon is this gonna be?

- Yeah! - That's right!

- Could we agree on non-ballistic nuclear only?

- Yeah, I suppose that's fine. - That makes sense.

- Non-ballistic nuclear only. All right.

Now on to prisoners.

Are we all agreeing to decapitations?

- Of course we are! What do you think this is?

Yeah, come on.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Has anyone noticed something?

We are all in a room together, talking.

Has it occurred to anyone else that this prophecy,

Which amazingly is in all three religions,

Could actually be meant to bring us together?

- The prophecy says the red heifer signals the end.

Could it mean the end of war?

- If the cow is sacrificed in israel,

According to the prophecy,

The perhaps it could bring about peace.

¶ ah

Moooo!

- After all the years of holy wars and hatred,

A possibility for peace in the middle east.

In the past 48 hours, jews, muslims, and christians

Have met in israel to sort out their differences.

It may be a rocky road,

But many say the chance for peace is real

And all because of a red cow discovered by a young boy

Here in the u.S.

- Hey, kyle, you got a minute?

Yeah.

- I've got to tell you something, kyle.

The red-headed cow... Isn't real.

I made him up.

- No shit. - I totally lied, kyle.

And when you asked me if I lied

I looked you right in the eye and I said no.

I owe you an apology, and I mean it.

- Well, it's okay. There's no denying

It all worked out for the best this time.

- No! No, kyle, you said it's never for the best.

Remember that? And you're right.

You're right, kyle! - Oh, no, no, no.

Cartman, don't you do this.

The middle east is finally at peace.

- But it's not true. Kyle, I'm being serious.

I really think I have to tell the truth.

I don't know how I can live with this.

I don't think I can unless... Unless, I don't know,

Maybe you called your mom a fat skank.

Maybe if you said that to your mom

And told her her tits belonged in a morgue,

Then maybe somehow I can live with this lie.

Dude, go to hell!

- You're right. You're right, kyle.

I should just tell the truth and be done with it.

Wait.

Mom.

Hi, bubie.

- Mom, there's something I need to tell you.

What is it, kyle?

You're a fat skank, mom.

- kyle, oh, my gosh!

What did you just say?

- You're a fat skank mom, and your tits belong in a morgue.

Oh, my god.

Ms. Broflovski, are you okay?

Does he always talk to you like that?

Yeah, come on over here.

I got some more stuff in my locker, kyle.