The Birdcage

Agador, where is Starina? She goes on in five minutes.

Armand.

The Kennedys are here for supper. Do we pick up their tab?

- Ted? - No. Just the younger ones.

Wish we could get Ted. Give them free coffee.

Leave room for coffee.

Where's Starina?

Agador said she'd be down in five.

Okay, let's go.

You look great.

Starina won't go on. She's a-still in her robe.

Damn!

I don't know what happened.

Go upstairs. Try to get her ready. I'll be right up. Go!

She won't.

Merde! Have Carmen get ready to do Starina's number, just in case.

Honey, please. You got to get dressed for me.

No, Agador.

Victoria Page will not dance the Dance of the Red Shoes tonight.

Or any other night.

How 'bout just your stockings, okay?

Victoria Page is dead.

But watch how nice I'm gonna put it for you.

You know how she died?

Alone... weeping for her lover.

Darling, have you eaten? You look haggard.

Please! You gotta help me a little.

- What is this? - Supplements.

I bought them for Armand, but...

that's all over now.

Okay.

Albert!

Where are you? Albert, come on!

- Open up, Albert, baby. - Get out!

- Open it, Albert! - Go away!

I don't want him to see me. I'm hideous!

Fuck!

- I'm calling 911! - Agador, abre la puerta!

- Open the door! - I'm trying, but he's so crazy.

Albert!

Are you trying to ruin me?

Don't look at me. I'm hideous!

Hideous! Fat and hideous!

Agador, I'm in such pain.

I know, honey. It's gonna pass.

No! It will never pass. I hate my life.

Are you crazy? It's packed out there!

That's all I am to you - a meal ticket.

- I can't stand this. - Forget about my feelings.

Forget about my suffering. It's just about your show.

Not even our show. Your show.

I want a palimony agreement, now.

I don't have one on me. Is tomorrow okay?

- Don't use that tone to me. - What tone?

That sarcastic tone that implies you know everything because you're a man,

and I know nothing because I'm a woman.

- You're not a woman. - Oh, you bastard!

Everybody, take it easy.

Whatever I am, he made me.

I was adorable once, young and full of hope.

Now, look at me. I'm this short,

fat, insecure, middle-aged thing!

I made you short?

What do I do? The number is nearly over.

Do I send Carmen on for Starina?

We have no choice. Yes.

Not Carmen! How dare you?

- Do it! - No! No!

- Cyril, go. - Please.

I will go on. The people have come to see Starina.

Starina will not disappoint them, even in this state.

Put on the mambo number. Have Beatrice and Dante get the staircase ready.

- My hands are shaking. - That's okay.

Agador, I need some Pirin tablets.

- What are you taking? - Nothing.

Just one, okay? One before the show,

and one after. No more, so don't ask.

Thank you, my darling Agador.

I'm gonna put this here for you.

Breathe. Ignore the bad things.

This room is so crowded. Can I have a moment to myself to prepare?

Let's leave her. Come on.

Why are you giving him drugs? What the hell are Pirin tablets?

Aspirin, with the "A" and "S" scraped off.

- What a brilliant idea. - I know.

I don't believe it! You're shaving your chest now?

I didn't have time to wax.

Indifference is the most awful thing in the world.

I've done everything I could to make myself attractive for you.

I've lost and gained over a hundred pounds in the last year.

I've yo-yoed from a 16 to a 10 to a 16, and...

you've never said a word.

Not one hint of encouragement, not one scrap of validation.

If not for the Pirin tablets, I couldn't go on.

If you don't finish making up, I'll kill myself.

You don't love me anymore.

Oh, shit.

- There's a man in your life. - What?

I sense it.

And I saw a bottle of white wine,

chilling in the refrigerator.

I only drink red.

And so do you.

There's no man.

I'm switching to white because red has tannins.

Now there are 150 people out there, half of them Kennedys, waiting for you.

Waiting to applaud you. To applaud the great Starina.

Tannins?!

- What do you do while I'm on stage? - Nothing. I lie here.

Where do you go while I'm killing myself on stage? I know that look.

Go ahead, hit me. Go on.

That's what you want to do. Do it. Hit me.

Go on, hit me.

Ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only,

the incomparable Starina.

Thank you and welcome to The Birdcage.

As you see, I've just gotten back from safari. I picked up a new muff.

Look, it comes with accessories.

Don't look at me like that. I didn't kill him.

He died and left me everything.

Where are the couple celebrating their anniversary?

Mon congrats, you sweeties.

I may have something to celebrate myself very soon.

I think I have found the one.

Yes.

You know I hate to brag, but...

Excuse me.

Hello. What do you think?

You look like Lucy's stunt double.

I'm a combination of Lucy and Ricky.

And it's terrifying. Get out the white wine,

chill two glasses and take the night off.

Why you talk to me like I'm your servant?

Because you're our faithful houseman.

My father was the shaman of his tribe,

my mother was the high priestess.

Then why did they move to New Jersey?

I don't know. They so stupid. They want me to have a career.

Hello? A career? When you gonna let me audition for you again?

When you have talent.

Now take off the wig or I'll tell Albert you wore it.

You do that, I'm gonna tell him you're seeing someone while he's on stage.

I have two words for you: Green Card.

Now go! And leave the front door unlocked.

You're such a beast to everybody.

Come on, Gloria.

Hey.

You keep getting better looking.

Thank you. So do you.

Oh, no. Really?

I feel bloated.

- You think I look good? - You look great.

That's very sweet.

I'm glad you cut your hair.

- Did you eat? - Yes.

Something to drink?

- Beer, if you have it. - I do not. Talk about bloat.

White wine.

Swell.

- How long has Albert been on? - He just went on.

I gave Agador the night off.

So we're all alone.

As requested.

Since when do you like beer?

So, I have something to tell you.

But I don't want you to get how you get.

Oh, God.

I'm getting married.

I didn't want to tell you over the phone.

It's a girl. I met her at school.

It's this wonderful... Are you upset?

Let me tell you why.

First, you're only 20.

Pop, I know I'm young.

But... you've always said I was a very level-headed guy. And I am.

I have job offers, I know what I want. And I have an incredible role model.

- Oh, please. - It's true.

I'm the only guy in my fraternity who isn't from a broken home.

Stop flattering me. It's cheap.

Is it all right, Dad?

Does it matter?

Of course it does.

Say it's okay, before Albert arrives and starts screaming.

I can't. And I won't.