Peter Kay: The Tour That Didn't Tour Tour

What a load of shit that were.

What a cock-up. The lift got stuck.

Supposed to be doing a DVD tonight. What a balls-up!

Lights didn't come... Who were they expecting,

Mick Fleetwood? What's up there?

Fifteen nights in this place! Look at the bloody size of it!

Look at it, it's huge.

Let's have a look at ya.

Let me borrow that camera, let's see who we've got in tonight.

Give it us here. Let's have a see. Here we go!

Come on.

Who've we got in tonight? Here we go! What've we got up here?

He loves it, that lad, look at him!

Oh, my God, he's been upstaged.

Who's that? Have you come with your mum? Have you come with your mum, there?

Oh, you're all right, love. Oh, Christ, who's that?

And Bill Oddie's in, there you go. All right, Bill?

What's happened here, no seats?

You can't sit there, you're a fire hazard, sir.

Don't crouch down, there's 14,000 people looking at you, what's t' point of that?

Give us a wave.

Oh, there's been a bit of a domestic going on there, eh?

Don't want to talk about it.

What about over here? Who've we got? Oh!

He loves it, that fellow, look at him. He's out of his mind!

Look at them teeth. Mother of God!

Shergar!

By the way, this is the show. I do two hours of this, then I go off.

In case you're wondering.

Good evening, you beauties there. Look at you.

That's my bread and butter.

I'm loving that chequered top there. That's a belter, that.

There you go, that's the old Cocoon area of the show taken care of.

There's my lovely crew back there, where are they?

Give us a wave. Oh, look at that.

Looks like The Last Supper, that shot there, with him in t' middle.

What's that? Hello, love!

You seem happy. You seem very happy. Oh, 'ey-up, then again...

Oh, 'ey-up. You want to have a word with her in front there,

she's hogging your limelight. What's she doing? Where's your care worker?

You're out all evening on your own? What're you doing there, love?

Look at that lady there. She's flattened a bit of grass, hasn't she, that one?

And With him, With him. Hey!

And her.

Hey, they're all swingers them, in that row there.

They've had a bit together.

Angelina Jolie without the makeup. There you are, eh?

Cheers to you, Angelina.

And that's my fantastic audience for the last night tonight!

Strap yourselves in, ladies and gentlemen,

for 20 minutes of comedy dragged over a two-hour show.

Here we go!

Special, special.

Oh, yes. Good to be back on nights.

Hello. Got to start with a bit of sad news, though.

Mate of mine's just been sacked off dodgems, but he's doing 'em for funfair dismissal.

I ordered a pizza last night, I asked for a thin and crusty supreme, they sent me Diana Ross.

Can I say that? Dave, can I say that?

What do you call a Welshman with a stick up his arse?

Is this on? Are you there?

What do you call a Welshman with a stick up his arse?

What? - A taffy apple.

Tell the kids tomorrow, they'll love that.

What do Mexicans put underneath the carpets?

Andale!

Underlay! Thank you, sister.

You bailed us all out the shit then, you did.

Karejokey. And you did the accent. Where's your sombrero, love?

Wife says to her husband, "You never take me anywhere expensive any more."

He says, "Get your coat on." She says, "Why, where we going?"

He says, "Fucking petrol station."

Sorry, Cocoon , sorry for the effing.

"He's blue. Sit down, he's blue. He's effing and jeffing, he's filthy."

Woman went to doctor's, she had a piece of lettuce sticking out top of her knickers.

True story, love, true story.

Doctor says, "That looks nasty." She says, "It's tip of iceberg."

A tsunami of filth!

Fellow says to his wife, "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"

She said, "I don't like ringing you at work."

Right, we'll have a short interval and I'll see you in a bit. Thank you very much.

I'm joking. Thanks for coming tonight.

Always helps having an audience.

Thanks for buying a ticket.

Tonight, technically you are my employers tonight. What do you think about that?

- There you go. - (WHOOPING)

Judging by that prick, I wish I'd thrown a sickie.

You can't throw a sickie in this game, not when you're self-employed.

It's not like when I worked at t' Cash & Carry.

I can't get Rakim off fruit and veg to come and tell some jokes for 20 minutes.

Those days are gone. And people don't even phone in sick any more, they text in sick now.

What's all that about, texting in work sick?

"Up all night, coming out of both ends." Send. That's it.

Job done. Piece of piss.

Gone are the days of your sick voice. No one does a bloody sick voice any more.

That used to be a skill, that, doing your sick voice.

Used to have to get psyched up and bend over in t' hall,

holding onto t' wall, squint your eyes...

"Don't. Get out, don't. Don't, you'll make me laugh. Don't, don't."

"Don't, don't, I'm ringing up work sick. Don't, stay right there, don't make me laugh."

"Don't. Fuck off. Don't."

You had to ring up at 6:00 in t' morning and tell t' cleaner,

tell t' manager you weren't coming in.

"Hey, man."

"I work here. Can you put me through to the manager, please?"

"It's Peter Kay."

"No, it don't sound like me, does it? I'm really poorly."

"No, I said yesterday I didn't feel well."

That's what you do t' day before, plant the seed, day before.

"Hot in here, or is it me?"

"I don't think I'll be in tomorrow."

"No, I think it's one of them 24-hour things."

Set your stall out, that's all you want.

Don't be saying anything more than that.

Don't be saying you've had a stroke or summat like that. Christ!

You've got to follow it up for weeks then.

Going round work, (SLURS WORDS) "Can I have that stapler, do you mind?"

"Can I borrow that stapler? Have you got a pen, have you got a pen?"

"What did I say this for? I only wanted a day off."

If you want a week off, tell 'em a member of your family's died, that's always a belter, that.

Obviously, obviously one you don't like, I'm not bloody sick.

My Uncle Knobhead, he died three times when I worked at Netto.

He were always dying, that fella.

Then he come in and did his big shop. I got a written warning. Dickhead.

"If you feel better, will you be in after dinner?"

"Oh, I don't know. Can I ring you back?"

Don't say that! Don't say that! You want to enjoy your morning off.

Now you've gotta go through same rigmarole again after Loose Women. Don't say that.

And if you do your sick voice too much,

then you actually start feeling bloody sick for real.

Next thing you're on t' couch with a duvet and a bowl of chicken soup.

Psychological hypochondria, that's what that is.

A lot of blokes suffer from that, me included.

Blokes are murder for... Blokes are never ill, they're always dying.

They can't just be ill, it's like, "Oh, my God."

I had something in me eye.

Well, you'd have thought I were in early stages of glaucoma, way I were carrying on.

"I've got a cataract, I've got a cataract in me eye."

Don't let him go on t' internet and Google it.

I put it in, scrolled down, I saw the word tumour. Oh, my God, that really...

"Kiss the kids for me, because I am not gonna see the morning, love.

"I can feel it when I blink, it's like a grape.

"Oh, it's just an eyelash, just an eyelash, love."

I tell you, going to t' toilet, middle of 't night, walking to t' toilet...

Tripped up. Well, you'd have thought I were Christopher Reeve, way I were carrying on.

"I can't feel anything from me neck down!"

"Help me! I can't feel me legs!"

Me wife's like, "Get up."

You know what I fell over an' all? Her shoes. Pissing shoes!

What is it about women and shoes? Put 'em in t' wardrobe.

What's the matter? She's like Purdey from New Avengers when she comes in,

giving it high kicks, bang, that's it.

Break your neck.

That's what you want, heel of a stiletto

embedded in t' sole of your foot at 3:00 in the morning.

It's like a round from Total Wipeout trying to have a slash in our house.

Fucking Duplo...

Wire coat hanger... I stood on a wire coat hanger

and that end hook bit went right up under me big toenail, honest to God.

Ooh, it's not a panto. What's this? "Ooh!"

And what's with t' sympathetic, painful faces?

What you're doing, what's this? "Ooph."

Ooh, that is your face, love. Oh, I'm sorry, I do apologise.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Mother of God.

I drew blood, I had to have a tetanus.

Tetanus, I'd not had a tetanus since I were in fifth year and I played Jesus

and Kevin Crompton banged nails in too deep.

I blacked out. I blacked out on t' cross.

They gave me a fireman's lift to get me down, t' nuns.

And I don't like needles as I've got older, that's why I've stopped shooting up.

I don't like needles.

I won't go t' dentist 'cause I won't have an injection.

I lost a filling at Christmas, I lost... Quality Street Toffee Penny, be warned.

Be warned. Laugh, I'm suing 'em. I'll tell you now.

And I'm suing M&S Blue Harbour for getting me into jogging bottoms.

Giving me a false sense of security.

So I lost a filling, but I wouldn't go t' dentist 'cause I don't like needles.

Anyway, left it and left it. It turned into a bloody abscess. Agony.

It all came to an 'ead when I sucked on a Slush Puppie at Thomas Land...

It's a drink, love. And I were going...

I went, "Oh, I've gotta get home. I've gotta get home."

I were in a people carrier with four under-five-year-olds listening to Wiggles.

And I thought, I've gotta get back home. So I piled everyone in t' car,

I got on M6, to” road, back to Bolton.

I had me money ready, 4.50. Used to be 3.80. Robbing bastards.

I went to the automated one, pulled up, agony with me tooth,

open the window. 'Ey-up, it's electric. Those days are gone, eh?

None of that any more.

Electric.

Opened me window, got me 4.50, threw it into t' bucket, missed.

How can you miss? It's that big!

3.50 went in, pound coin went straight under t' people carrier.

I'm like, "Christ, I've got to get out now."

I can't tell a member of staff 'cause there's no bugger there.

I've got about that much room to open me door.

It's banging, I can't go forwards, there's a barrier.

I'm trying to get out and slide down

and, I don't know if you've noticed, I'm big-boned.

So I'm trying to get down onto me knees. There's a car behind me, beeping.

"Wait, you impatient prick."