3rd Rock from the Sun

Male radio deejay: We're still taking calls on those Ufo sightings.

I'm on the line with Jennifer

who claims to have actually met aliens.

Jennifer: Gary, I have been sucked up by alien spacecraft many times,

- Gary: Uh-oh. - and I can tell you they are among us.

Gary: Really? Now, what do you suppose they want?

- Jennifer: Well, they want my eggs... - Uh-huh.

...to start their own alien race.

Gary: Whoa, thanks for calling. Hello. You're on the air.

Man: I saw four aliens in a car.

- I think it was a Rambler. - Whoa, stylish.

- Everyone fully formed? - All: uh-huh.

- Yeah. - Everyone got 10 fingers and 11 toes?

- Check. - Good. I guess we're in. Everyone comfortable?

I have three holes in my face.

Can anyone get your head to swivel to the rear?

- All: no. - Then how are you supposed to lick your back?

Maybe you do what they're doing?

Look. Life-forms, and they're cleaning each other.

All: aw!

Look at us.

I can't believe we look like them.

Yeah.

Is anybody else sweating under their breasts?

No. In fact, I don't have any.

I have tiny ones.

Quick, look.

That woman is going to drive with her feet.

Don't you people have a home?

Uh, no, we don't, but thank you for the idea.

See? She called us people.

Listen.

Dick: Our home for this mission is Earth, a third-rate planet.

I got a teaching job at a third-rate university.

Now we're looking at a third-floor apartment.

Come in. Come on in.

It's the attic, so it's kind of small, but it's furnished.

- We love it. - Yeah, it's so much bigger than a car.

Yeah. We'll take it.

This used to be the rumpus room back in the '60s.

This carpet has seen more butts than Santa Claus' lap.

Ooh! What is this stuff?

This sweater? It's angora.

Well, it's wonderful. I've never seen anything like it.

- Ooh! - I like the color.

Well, it's very nice.

You're not from around here, are you?

Well, Mrs. Dubcek, I can stand here and chew your fat day all day,

but time has no manners. Bye, now.

Sally, I want you to observe her.

Find out what women on this planet do.

- Why can't Harry do it? - Because you're the woman.

That brings up a very good question: why am I the woman?

Because you lost.

Dick?

I can't see through my eyelids.

Open them.

Oh!

They're manual.

Oh, good. You're here.

Did you copy the mainframe in the library?

I got a little distracted.

- Again? What happened? - I was watching these women play volleyball,

and they were all jumping up and down,

up and down in these little shorts.

And some can't jump as high as the others, but it's okay.

It's more than okay. It's really okay. I mean--

- what is wrong with you? - I don't know.

We can't leave without that information.

So access the mainframe, enter the net, download,

and then go straight home as soon as you're finished.

- Why are you talking to me like I'm a child? - You are a child.

- I'm older than you. - Well, now I'm bigger,

and on this planet size matters.

- Good morning, Dr. Solomon. - Ah, Nina.

Here's your mail. This is nothing. Nothing.

This is something, but there's nothing you can do about it.

This is an invitation to a party at the Dean's house. This is nothing.

And if you don't stop staring at whatever it is you're watching,

you're gonna lose something.

Tommy's just on his way to the library. Aren't you, Tommy?

Uh, yeah, I am now.

I have to go look up the word "throb."

He's older than he looks.

- I have to file some things for you.

What is that?

It's you! You smell so nice.

Thanks. I try.

That had better be your nose.

Is your wife out of town?

Mrs. Solomon is no longer with us.

She, uh... burned up on reentry.

I had a boyfriend who used to burn up on reentry.

He walks with a limp now.

- Good morning, Dr. Albright. - Good morning, Nina.

- Good morning, Dr. Albright. - Nina, would you tell Dr. Solomon

he parked in my space again?

You parked in her space-- - I know. It was empty.

Would you tell him I'm going to have him towed?

Tell her I already have all the toes I need. I am fully formed.

That's my parking space.

Oh, so you have a car.

Nina, go to the chem lab. Tell them I sent you.

Get a pipe bomb, put it in Dr. Solomon's car and blow it up.

For future reference, I have a red Volvo.

Please, Dr. Albright!

We barely know each other.

Dr. Solomon, we should get along.

I'm very intelligent. You have an impressive résumé.

I am the high commander.

I must admit, when I first met you,

I was attracted to your flamboyant nature and big head.

Thanks, because I almost went with a smaller one.

Even though I am drawn to genius,

this is a small office

and you are behaving like a big hose monkey.

You're not so bad yourself, woman.

Knock it off.

What is my thesis doing out of my desk?

- I took it out. - My desk was locked.

Which made it very difficult to open.

You might want to make a note of that.

- You read it? - I memorized it.

Well, it's just a few thoughts.

- A few brilliant thoughts. - Really?

That's quite a compliment coming from someone with your credentials.

- I'm glad you enjoyed it. - Enjoyed it?

It's the funniest thing I've ever read.

Your theory on "man and the animal within,"

it's hilarious.

Nina said you had no sense of humor.

She is so wrong.

The conclusions that you draw

are laugh-out-loud funny.

I see.

Dr. Solomon, you have crossed a line.

You have belittled my work,

and you hurt my feelings. I don't like you.

- I don't understand. - Of course you don't. You're a man.

Ha!

That's where you're wrong!

Okay, so meatloaf is bread crumbs,

- spices and ground beef? - That's it.

- Ground beef is essentially nothing more than a cow? - Yeah.

Well, doesn't it scream when they stuff it in the grinder?

Oh, no. That sucker's been dead for hours.

I have dead cow on my hands?

Women.

You can't live with them, and yet, they're everywhere.

So "p" itself is always even.

And we can write "p" equals 2s,

where "s" is some other integer.

Substituting "p," we find "p" to the second power

equals 2s to the second power, equals 4s to the second power,

equals 2q to the second power.

And we find? Who can tell me? Anyone?

Okay, I'm getting ahead of everyone.

- Let's simplify. How far away is Cleveland? - 52 miles.

- Someone give me another answer. - An hour away.

Cleveland is an hour away. Someone give me another answer.

- A $9 bus ticket. - Cleveland is $9 away.

A felony charge. The federal courthouse is there.

Yes! Cleveland is a felonious assault away.

Someone else. Yes, Leon.

Well, come on, Leon. Speak up.

No, never mind. I had this idea, but it's wrong.

Leon, of course it's wrong.

I mean, the odds against your being right are...

staggering!

You have a great advantage. You know the outcome.

You will be wrong. Don't fear it.

Embrace your wrongness.

Leon, how far away is Cleveland?

Cleveland is an eternity away

if your heart is there.

Leon, that is so provocative.

Where Cleveland equals "p"

and eternity equals "q,"

transposing the logarithm of the heart,

where the heart is an unknown,

we find that we are forever

in Cleveland.

No, I'm sorry, Leon. You're wrong.

Yes, Caryn.

I think that Leon meant

that Cleveland can feel like an eternity away.

Oh, it's a feeling.

Yes, I know all about feelings.

Everything's just going fine,

and somebody has a feeling,

and kaboom!

Suddenly they don't like you.

I think we can all do without feelings. Who's with me?

Your grade depends on it.

Dr. Solomon,

I hope this doesn't affect my grade, but I have a thought.

- Yes? - You have to have feelings.

Feelings are like the core of the human experience.

The core of the human experience?