The League of Gentlemen

Excuse me, madam....

I wondered why you wanted the housekeeping all in tens.

- Change machine's broke. - We've got no money as it is,

without pumping it into the greedy slits.

- Girl needs an 'obby. - Gambling's not a hobby.

I watch them. This one's not given out for three weeks.

Hmph! It's not the only one.

You've got a counsellor, talk to him.

All right! If you get two bars, should you nudge or hold?

Not bothered.

Why do you want to sit in here all day? It stinks.

- What's goin' on? - Oh, I get it.

Oh, 'ello, Tony. What are you doin' here?

- I work here. - Oh, yeah. So you do.

I told you to stay away from Crystal Tipps here.

Like I say, Charlie, a girl needs an 'obby.

Come on, Tony. Hold me melons while I nudge this bell.

- (PAN PIPE MUSIC PLAYS) - Let the music wash over you.

- How's that volume? - Fine, thanks.

Excellent. In the beauty trade, we call this "relaxitive" music.

You can purchase the CD in reception for just £12.99.

- No, thank you. - Fine.

Have you ever had a massage before?

Not for a while, no.

Right.

Your massage today will be an invigorating one...

..concentrating on your neck, arms and upper body.

So the essential oils I've chosen for you

are ylang-ylang, which is a pale yellow oil

with an extremely sweet, exotic scent...

and bergamot, which has a fruity aroma

with a slight balsamic undertone,

best before Feb 2004.

How are they for you?

- Good. - Hmm... Fi ne.

Good.

I'll begin with long strokes down your arms and shoulders.

Nice and gently at first. Just try to relax.

- (WOMAN) You want a brew, love? - Mother, I'm busy!

- Don 't bite me head off! - Sorry. My cleaner.

Just try to relax. That's it.

Let me drain all the tension from your body.

Oh, that was lovely, thank you.

Thank YOU. Do come and see us again.

- Goodbye. - Bye-bye.

Charles! Charles! Look! A £3 tip.

Bloody 'ell! I can't believe we got away with it.

You are clever. You learned this in the merchant navy?

Yeah, but I couldn't open up a posh place like this.

- Who'd come? - The perfect partnership.

I've got the looks. You've got the brawn.

It's like having your hands on my body.

Imagine how strange and wonderful that would feel.

I'm a married man, Mrs Levinson.

Yes, of course.

And I must think of Eddie.

Let's have a toast...to Spit & Polish.

No, no, no. To beauty...

and the beast.

Beauty and the beast.

- Is Neds in? - What do you think?

- Can I see him? - Go on, then.

Hey, tell him he's got to get his prescription.

- Hi, Neds. - Is that Tristan?

- Is she nearly finished? - Nearly.

- It's lookin' good. - Did you get the machine gun?

I couldn't find one. I fitted this, though.

It spits out paper fasteners.

It should be drawing pins, but Mrs Ridley's run out.

She said they was quite sharp,

but I don't know if they'd burst a villain's tyres.

Anyway, she's getting some more drawing pins in.

Hey, I've not shown you this yet. Get in. Come on.

- (ELECTRONIC VOICE) Hi. Neds. - That's good, innit?

- Let's solve some crime. - Wow!

She's alive, Tris.

- Maxi Power's finally alive. - Hi, Neds.

Mmm! Oh, that's nice.

Now, ifyou turn over, I'll do your front.

That's it. Lovely.

Oh! You have lovely soft 'ands!

I tell you what, love. You don't do extras, do you?

Oh, I've embarrassed you now.

It's just that as you can see, I'm a bit...stimulated.

It'll not take long, love.

Shall we say £20?

Well, say summat.

Let me drain all the tension from your body.

Oh, cheers, love. You're a good lass.

As I say, it'll not take long.

Me wife's got arthritis, you see, and it's getting worse.

Three weeks ago, she were peeling oranges, but now...

I still love her and everything, you know...

but...me daughter's disabled... A man has needs.

Anyway, you better hurry up, love.

I'm not sure it'll last much longer.

Oh! That's it!

Steady on, love. You're not plunging a sink!

Oh, yes!

Oh...yes, indeed. Oh!

Oh, he's nearly there now!

There we go! Ooh, yes!

That's the ticket!

Oh...

So, feeling more relaxed now?

Oh, yes, thanks, love. Spot on.

Good. Would you like to book another session?

Definitely.

If you buy a gold card, you can come as many times as you want.

Oh?

Oh, there you are, Charles? Everything all right?

I don't know what you did today, but look - a £20 tip!

He was a very satisfied customer.

I do hope you can keep this up, Charles.

# You need hands to hold someone you care for

# You need hands to show that you're sincere

# When you feel nobody wants to know you

# You need hands to brush away the tears

# When you hold a brand-new baby

# You need tender hands

# To guide them on their way, hey, hey

# You need hands to thank the Lord for living... #

- And the name is...? - Tony Bell.

Ah, yes. If you take yourself to the treatment room.

- A fruit juice? - No, you're all right.

Pop your clothes off. I'll be with you in a moment.

Psst!

- That's your two o'clock. - I can't do it.

- He only wants a back-rub. - You don't understand.

- I know him. - So?

- He slept with Stella. - What?!

He had an affair with my wife. I can't touch him.

That's all right. He thinks it's me, remember?

Just think of the big tip he'll give you at the end.

Hello. Is that you, miss?

Mmm.

Bit nervous, actually. I've never really done this before.

- Jesus! - What?

- Shh! - Oh. Sorry.

Tris!

I think there's a crime to be solved.

- What? - There's a crime gonna 'appen!

I heard these blokes. They're gonna rob the cash and carry,

then sell the fags to their mates.

- Come on, Tris! This is it! - But it's really late.

I know, but we'll miss 'em if we don't go now.

- All right. I'm coming down. - Smashing.

Hi, Neds. Let's solve some crime.

- Have you phoned the police? - Nearly there.

- Have you? - It's OK. We've got Maxi.

I bet Gary will buy a few.

- (TYRES SCREECH) - What was that?

Take cover. I'm warning you -

I'm not goin' back inside, not for no one.

- What the bloody hell's that? - Go on, Maxi!

Take me home! I'm scared!

- You'd better lock the doors. - It's some bloke and his kid.

Ready, Tris?

- Get out of the car. - Let's solve some crime.

Get out of the car!

Is that it?

I must say, you've got that down to a fine art.

I've done farts that lasted longer.

Sorry, I was thinkin' about somethin' else.

Well, join the club.

Stella...

Have you ever thought about us havin' a...threesome?

I can't hear you, the immersion's on.

I said have you ever fantasised about having a threesome?

No, not since Milli Vanilli split up. Why?

- What's brought this on? - Nothin'.

I thought it might spice things up a bit.

- Ooh, you're a dark horse! - Get off!

I was readin' about it in one of your "Bella"s.

- Oh. - So?

I'm not having Judy Levinson's dyed minge in me mouth,

while you peep out the airing cupboard.

- I'd be involved. - How?!

You can't handle one woman, never mind two!

It needn't be another woman. It could be something else.

If you think I'm calling next door's dog in, think again.

No! Another fella.

- Who'd you have in mind? - God. I don't know...

Tony.

- Tony?! - Well, you seem to like 'im!

You want to watch, while me and Tony...?

- I could join in. - Doin' what?!

- Whatever. Stroke his hair... - Stroke his hair?!

- Whatever! - Yeah, and I'll do his nails.

- Bloody 'ell! - Look, Stella,

I'm tryin' to open somethin' up for you.

If all you can do is laugh, sod off!

Oh, I'm sorry, Charlie.

You're right. Tony could open somethin' up.

Trouble is, I don't think I'd notice you were there.

Oh, Neds. You've gotta do summat.

- They've started a fire. - Don't worry, Tris.

Maxi Power's still got a few tricks up her sleeve.