The Love Bug

I'd like another shot at that prize money.

- Okay for next Sunday? - No, Jim. It ain't okay.

- Now, look, Bice... - No, you look.

All of my drivers are 18, 19.

You're too old for these kid snorts.

You're liable to get hurt in there.

You used to be a big track driver. Ain't you got no pride?

I ran out of pride when I ran out of cars.

Jim, you gotta look at yourself.

Okay, you start out all right. You win a couple of tracks, you think you're on your way.

But it didn't work out, did it?

- Much obliged. - You need any money?

Nope.

Hey.

What do you do with this stuff?

It's for a friend.

Hey! How'd it go?

Okay.

- I brought you something. - Oh, thanks.

Aw, the poor thing.

I'll find a good spot for it.

- You got hurt again. - So?

One of these days you're gonna get wiped out entirely.

Why you gotta be a driver?

Maybe that's not your thing, racing.

How about all those car agencies down on Van Ness?

I bet a top mechanic there gets a lot of good bread laid on him.

What is the matter with everybody?

Can't you understand? I'm not a mechanic, I'm a driver.

I know just how you feel, Jim.

Hey, I used to think I was happy painting flower seeds.

Then one day, inside me, this little voice says...

"Tennessee Steinmetz."

I said, "What?" It said, "You ain't happy."

Tennessee, why is it the only thing we have in this house is parrot food?

- I mean, we don't have a parrot. - Eat that. That's good.

That's pressed kelp. That aerates your liver.

Then this voice inside of me continued as follows:

"This is nowhere. Ya gotta make a new scene.

Ya gotta change your bag."

That's when I split. I went to Tibet...

to a mountaintop, with swamis and monks.

I discovered my real self.

It was wonderful.

I don't have to go to Tibet.

I know who I am.

I know what I want.

There are dirt track races at a carnival near Bakersfield this week.

If I can get over there I can pick up a couple of bucks. Okay to use your wheels?

Okay, but you're gonna have a little trouble getting it started.

Where's the beast?

You didn't cut up the Edsel.

It came over me all of a sudden.

It was the only decent thing to do.

Believe me, Jim, it'll be happier up there.

Are you all right? Are you dizzy?

Oh, no. There's a slight racking pain in my head here.

Oh, well, I think you'd better sit down. I'm really terribly sorry.

Well, it's not your fault. I didn't mean to startle you.

Looks like you've been running into all sorts of things lately.

Yeah. Oh, this is just a little...

- Oh, lady. - Oh, really, sir.

Excuse me.

Over 400 cubes.

Dual quads, all synchro box, zero to 60 under five.

All right, Miss Bennett. I'll see to this gentleman myself.

May I be of service, sir?

I see that you're a person who appreciates fine things.

You're no doubt aware that this is the celebrated Thorndyke Special.

Allow me to say, sir...

that I think this car would suit you very well.

Yes. Yes, it would.

- May I offer you a glass of sherry and a biscuit? - Go right ahead.

I take it the question of price does not greatly concern a gentleman like yourself.

Oh, I wouldn't haggle if that's what you mean.

What price range did you have in mind?

About $75.

$75.

I could go 80 in a pinch. What do you have in the way of cheap, honest transportation?

Cheap, honest transportation!

I will bid you good day, sir.

Good day.

Hey!

Havershaw!

Now, where did this come from?

- Mr. Thorndyke, yes, sir? - What is this thing doing in my showroom?

I believe Miss Bennett may know something about this.

Yes. You remember when Mrs. Van Luit purchased her new Bentley?

She also requested us to buy a small used car for her upstairs maid.

Then why isn't her upstairs maid in her blasted vehicle?

The car was returned this morning, Mr. Thorndyke.

She was having some kind of difficulty with it.

- Get it out of here! - Yes, sir.

What's that for?

- I beg your pardon? - Why don't you let the little car alone?

Are you presuming to tell me what to do in my own establishment?

Okay, I'm out of line.

It just bugs me to see somebody abusing a decent piece of machinery.

How fascinating. Well, now that we've had the benefit of your point of view...

shall we regard our relationship as terminated?

Havershaw! Get this eyesore out of my showroom.

And if ever I find it here again...

someone is going to find himself in a great deal of trouble!

Yes, sir. Of course. Boys, here we go.

Here we go.

- Sorry. None of my business, is it? - Perfectly all right.

- Good-bye. - Oh. Good-bye.

- Good morning. - Good morning. What do you want?

- Police. - Right. What do you want?

Forgive me for pointing, but have you ever seen that car before?

- No. No, I haven't. - Hey, he's a cute little fella.

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I think I saw that car at an agency yesterday.

Now, permit to inform you of the following:

First, say nothing that would jeopardize your constitutional rights.

Second, the minute you get downtown...

I would advise you get a good lawyer.

- Shall we go? - Go? What for?

On suspicion of grand theft.

Now, wait a minute. There's something cockeyed about this.

How did that little car get here?

I share your curiosity. Shall we go?

I'll do it. Okay, I'll do it.

But I want to go on record. I have seen some crummy stunts used to sell cars...

but this beats everything.

To plant this Bug in the possession of an innocent man and accuse me of stealing it!

How dare you, sir!

Are you suggesting I would stoop to such tactics?

That's exactly what I'm suggesting!

In the first place, it might interest you to know that under normal circumstances...

I would never sell a car to someone with whom I'm not...

shall we say, socially compatible.

- You'd sell a car... - Please! Let's not go through that again.

I think we've worked it out very well.

Mr. Douglas needs a car, and for a very low amount down...

and the usual monthly payments, the car will become his.

Very well, even though my inclination is to have Mr. Douglas clapped into jail...

and this four-wheeled contrivance dropped into the bay!

- I think Mr. Thorndyke is being very fair. - Fair? It's not fair!

I'm being muscled! I just want you to know that I know it and I don't like it!

I'll draw up the papers.

Would you come with me, please?

Then get Mr. Douglas and his acquisition out of here...

before I lose my temper!

- - What in...

What's the matter? You from L.A. Or something?

- I thought we'd run over to that new restaurant in Marin County. -

Have you gone mad?

Okay. What's the joke?

- What do you mean? - I don't know how you rigged it...

- but I'm sure that car's a real cutup when a convention comes to town. - What in the name...

If I'd wanted a trick car I would have bought one in a joke shop.

Allow me to say that I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about.

You come blithering up in that beastly little car...

and assault my personal Rolls Royce!

I brought it back.

I want my money, I want the papers I signed...

then I'll get out and you two clowns can have your little laugh.

Mr. Douglas, if there is anything wrong with the car...

would you be good enough to tell me what it is?

It's just that that it wants to go one way and I'd like to go the other.

- Whatever it is, none of it is covered in our guarantee. - I'm sure of that.

- If you examine paragraph 12... - Excuse me, Mr. Thorndyke...

if I sold this gentleman the car I feel a certain responsibility.

Do you mind if I try it?

Miss Bennett.! Our dinner engagement.

I won't be a minute.

Seems to be acting all right now.

Sometimes new car owners have a tendency to exaggerate their problems.

We get that all the time.

Believe me, when I was in this car alone...

Just treat it gently at first. It really is a fine automobile.

Have you had much experience with cars?

Look, lady, by profession I'm a racing driver.

Oh, that Jim Douglas.

What do you mean, "That Jim Douglas"?

Let's see, two years ago at Laguna Seca...

you spun out and hung a beautiful Buick Special on the back fence.

At Willow Springs, a year ago last February...

you sprayed a Lotus all over the infield.

How do you know all that?

I have trouble with names and faces...

but I never forget a car.

I like good machinery.

Now, why don't you give this little car a fair chance.

You bought it, enjoy it.

You can drive me back now.

What about it, Dad?

Want to give that doodle bug a workout? I'll go easy on ya.

- Be serious, will ya? -

- -

- Did you see this thing take off? - One of your showboat tricks, Mr. Douglas.

I tell you, I had nothing to do with it. Hey, we were turning.

- - Outta sight, man. I wouldn't have believed it.

Groovy, Pop. Groovy.

As long as the customer finally seems pleased...

I'll just step out and find myself a taxi.

- - Will you stop the car, please?

I'm trying! Look!

It's just like I told you. This thing's starting to act up again.