Tart

Are you there?

Can you hear me?

I wanna talk to you, try to explain how everything got so fucked up.

I'm not sure how to do that, I'm starting to figure it out myself.

- Tart - "INOCÊNCIA PERDIDA"

Cat, I have to go.

If your goal is Tondelea Schwartz, you've achieved it.

Tondelea Schwartz?

- Who the hell is Tondelea Schwartz? - She's a ho.

That's wonderful, I've raised two delinquents. Bye.

Just like every year, I prayed that this year was going to be different.

You know, crawl out from under your shadow, get my mom off my back...

just stop being the freak that nobody wanted.

I mean, it was pathetic. I was starting eleventh grade...

and I'd never even "frenched" a guy.

Guys like William didn't think that I was worth the pennies in his loafers.

If he knew I existed. Why would he?

Look at him.

All I wanted was to impress him.

To get his attention.

Not exactly what I had in mind.

Made my pecker leap! Don't be shy!

The whole world wants to know!

- Good morning, Miss Storm. - Hi, Fred.

Excited about the new school year?

- Morning, Mr. Burden. - Morning.

- French toast or an omelet. - Cinnamon on the French toast.

With pancakes.

You're like a little madam.

- Have champagne and orange juice. - Champagne would be good.

Cat! Get in here!

- Hi! - Hi!

- You're gonna die when I tell you. - What happened?

- I lost it. - To whom?

I went to this party in Lake Como with my mother...

and there was this gorgeous Italian dude there...

and he kept staring at me all night.

And at the end of the party, everybody got so drunk and crazy...

that they started dancing in this fountain.

So he drags me into the fountain...

and whispers that he wants to watch the sunrise with me at the beach.

So we go down to the beach, and he pulls down my pants.

And then, we made love.

- What was it like? - It was amazing.

The best part is, he's already in college.

- What's wrong with you? - Nothing.

I just...

...I hate my hair. - What? I love your hair!

It just makes me feel like such a reject.

I saw William Sellers and my skirt flew up right in front of him.

You're so pathetic. You need to get over these high school guys.

Didn't it hurt?

I didn't even bleed. It's a crock of shit what they told us in biology.

I'm really into sex now.

Oh, wait. Princess, come here! Princess!

Look what I taught her! Come on!

Princess is the best dyke in town.

- Put that back. - Why?

What if he sees you?

Good morning, sweeties.

Completely annoying.

Oh, look.

- Delilah. - What?

Oh, my God. Score. You're doing this with me.

No choice in the matter. You're doing it. We're getting wasted.

- I'll give you a hundred bucks? - Come on.

No choice. So long, sucker!

Oh, look. Little Miss Maidstone. Fresh from another dreary summer...

of tennis and golf at the old beach club.

- Hey, guys. - Hey, how are you?

- Can I walk with you? - No.

- Fine. I don't wanna be late. - We don't want you to be late.

I hate her so much.

- Another year and I'm still here! - A hand for the Hazelton grad.

Oh, thank you, thank you. Anyone got a spliff?

Speaking of girls we love to hate, Heather von Strum.

Radiant, blonde, born with a silver stick up her ass.

Talk about the perfect life. But you always said:

"No one's perfect. Everyone's a closet freak."

Hey, how about another peek-a-boo at those panties?

- God, that girl's nasty. - My sister's more arousing than that!

Morning, Miss Wilson. Morning, Miss Stanley.

William's going out with Heather? What's so great about her?

Face it, she'd be no one if her dad hadn't "offed" her mom.

- Good morning, Miss Storm. - Good morning.

- Good morning, Miss Milford. - Good morning. What a lovely day.

I'll catch up with you later.

Delilah, those stairs are for seniors.

Oh, look. Lady Mountbatten went here.

- Come on. We're gonna be late. - Who do you think you are?

- Delilah Milford, Shoprite heiress. - I don't give a shit.

- And I'm telling. - They'll give us 2 weeks detention.

So what are you going to do for me?

I don't wanna be caught with that!

Meet me in the second floor bathroom after recess.

Who can tell me what Pip gains through self-acceptance?

- He was so hot. - Cat! What do you think Pip learns?

Pip?

- Pip learns a lot. - Could you please expand on that?

- I learned a lot this summer. - About?

- About sex. - Could you please expand on that?

- Thank you, girls, that's enough. - Didn't hurt at all.

Grace, what do you think about Pip's journey?

It's too long. How do you expect me to read it when I'm on holiday?

Eloise?

Pip's journey is about self-realization and acceptance.

To be part of a society he wasn't born into, he abandons his morals.

After great suffering, he learns it's more important to be morally just.

She makes me sick.

I told you not to touch that stuff.

What'd you do? Inhale the whole bottle?

Well, that's the way they do it in the movies.

Okay, Scarface, come on, up. Show is over!

So sad.

- What is that? - Nose candy! Want some?

High in calcium. Good for you, too.

- Lamebrain, she's gonna tell. - See if I care. Let the bitch squeal.

Okay. To qualify for the President's Physical Fitness Test...

you must be able to do forty sit-ups in one minute.

- Begin. - One, two...

three, four, five...

six, eight...

twelve, thirteen, twenty.

Ladies.

Delilah Milford. Catherine Storm.

Come with me, please.

It was that fucking narc, Eloise.

My mom is gonna kill me.

It's gonna be okay. Just do what my dad always tells me to do.

Deny, deny, deny.

Delilah, come with me. Catherine, you may go back to class.

This is more serious than you think, Miss Milford.

Drugs simply cannot and will not be tolerated.

Excuse us, Miss Storm.

Good afternoon, Miss Storm. How was school?

Excuse me, miss.

Hey, retard. What's the disease of the week?

You think you have a tapeworm?

- You know how you get rid of one? - I don't wanna hear it.

You feed it until it gets as long as a hose, then pull it out your butt.

- You do not! - Yeah, you do.

Or sometimes it'll come crawling out of your mouth while you're sleeping.

Shut up, I don't wanna hear it anymore!

Can we try and have a civilized meal?

- Excuse me. - She got cooties all over my food.

- Well, if he's done, so am I. - Where do you think you're going?

- Delilah's. - You're not going there.

She's screwed up. You should spend more time with girls like Eloise.

Mom, Eloise is a lesbo.

Catherine, I don't wanna hear words like that coming out of your mouth.

- What's a lesbo? - Two hos doing it.

I am exiled.

- So where are you gonna go? - I start Riverdale next week.

- That's for Jewish people. - No, duh.

- Where are you gonna go right now? - Get my head shrunk.

- Come over after school. - Bye.

- What are you waiting for, dipstick? - Just waiting for my brother.

There he is! Hey, Toby!

- Aren't you gonna help me up? - Alright, Nadia Comaneci! A ten!

Miss Major! Excuse me...

...but somebody smells like poo. - I know, it's awful.

But we don't know where it's coming from.

What are you reading?

- About Heather's dad. - No talking.

Heather and her father are always over at our house for dinner.

What does it say?

It's about a dinner guest giving his wife an overdose of sleeping pills.

That's enough! I've had it with all three of you.

- But I didn't do anything! - All of you, out.

You may continue with the 6 o'clock news off the school premises.

Just put it on my account. Thank you.

- What's that? - You have to smell this.

God, everything is so expensive here.

- My mom and I love this store. - I've never been here before.

Really? We come in here all the time.

- I haven't been here. - Of course.

- Frosted Fantasy or Baby Nude? - What?

Which lipstick do you like better?

The beige one.

- You still have a headband on. - No shit, Sherlock.

- That is stealing. - So? Don't you want one?

- I can't. My mom would kill me. - Come on, Cat.

We could be twins. Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee.

What if I got caught?

- She's going to get in trouble. - Don't be ridiculous.

I can't believe this. You know you guys are gonna get caught.

- The one with the blue handles. - This one?

I don't think I can reach it without a ladder. Sorry. But I can get one.

Never mind. Let's go.

- Did you get it? - Excuse me, young ladies.

- Don't forget your package. - Thank you.

- I don't think it's so funny. - You wouldn't.

Oh, come on, that was bloody brilliant.

- Let's celebrate at my house. - I'm already late for my tutoring.

Well, Cat, what about you?

There's a picture of me and my father on holiday in Bali.

- I wish I had a dad like him. - He's mine!

I believe he was mine first.

You trollop, stealing my man!

You wanton hussy, he loves me!