Tales from the Crypt

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

7.

7.

HELLO KIDDIES WHAT'S IN YOU?

HELLO KIDDIES WHAT'S IN YOU?

I WAS JUST IN THE MIDDLE OF MY DEADLY DOZEN.

FIRST I DO A FEW PULL UPS.

THEN A FEW JUMPING HACKS.

THEN I LIKE TO FINISH WITH A LITTLE DIE IMPACT AEROBICS.

THEN I LIKE TO FINISH WITH A LITTLE DIE IMPACT AEROBICS.

8.

I'M GETTING IN SHAPE FOR TONIGHT'S TALE.

IT'S ABOUT AN AMBITIOUS YOUNG ACTRESS

WHO'S LOOKING FOR HER BIG BREAK.

WILL SHE MAKE IT?

ONLY HERSCAREDRESSER KNOWS FOR SURE.

HA HA HA! OHH...

I CALL THIS DISMAL DRAMA...

BEAUTY REST.

BEAUTY REST.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PART OF A WOMAN?

THE NAPE OF HER NECK?

THE NAPE OF HER NECK?

THE LINE OF HER BACK?

OR THE SHAPE OF HER BREASTS?

OR JUST MAYBE IT'S HER MIND.

IT MAY BE A MAN'S WORLD,

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO TAKE IT LYING DOWN,

BECAUSE I WANT TO COMPETE...

WHETHER I'M A CEO

OR AN M.D. OR AN M.R.S.

I WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY... VERY SERIOUSLY.

THAT'S WHY I NEVER FEEL FULLY DRESSED

UNTIL I PUT ON BALL BUSTER.

IT'S NOT FOR JUST ANY WOMAN.

IT'S FOR THE WOMAN WHO MEANS BUSINESS.

IT'S FOR THE WOMAN WHO MEANS BUSINESS.

CUT!

DID YOU GET IT? GOOD.

GENTLEMEN, HELEN CURTIS.

HELEN, YOU WERE FABULOUS!

FABULOUS!

REALLY?

YES.

YES.

AH, YES.

AH, YES.

SHE'S OUT OF TOWN.

EMILIO. I'M SORRY. DID YOU REALLY MEAN THAT?

HELEN, I HAVE BEEN DIRECTING COMMERCIALS FOR 20 YEARS,

AND I'VE NEVER HAD AN ACTRESS

TAKE DIRECTION LIKE YOU.

NEVER!

IN A SCREEN TEST, NO LESS! RIGHT?

I ASKED YOU TO SHOW ME PRICK.

YOU GAVE ME THE WHOLE GODDAMN WALL!

YOU ARE BRILLIANT!

YOU ARE BRILLIANT!

EXCUSE ME, EMILIO.

EXCUSE ME, EMILIO.

DOES THAT MEAN I GOT THE PART?

AS I'M CONCERNED, YOU'RE IT.

YOU ARE THE BALL BUSTER GIRL.

YOU IT. DONE DEAL.

YOU IT. DONE DEAL.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I DIDN'T GET THE JOB?

RHONDA, YOU TELL HIM I'D RATHER EAT DRANO

AND JUMP INTO A BOWL OF PUS, O.K.?

YEAH.

YEAH.

THEY WENT ANOTHER WAY.

BUT THE DIRECTOR SAID I HAD THE PART.

IT WAS A DONE DEAL.

WELL, THEY UNDID IT. YOU GOT REAL CLOSE.

I THOUGHT YOU GAVE UP SMOKING.

I DID.

I DID.

ARCHIE, I'M TIRED OF BEING THE BRIDESMAID.

I WAS PERFECT FOR THAT PART.

IAMTHAT WOMAN.

I KNOW.

YOU ARE THE BALL BUSTER.

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'VE BEEN BASHING MY HEAD AGAINST A WALL FOR 10 YEARS.

AREN'T I ENTITLED TO A BREAK?

I KNOW, I KNOW.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

SO WHO DID GET THE PART?

SO WHO DID GET THE PART?

IS IT REALLY IMPORTANT?

WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHO GOT IT?

WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHO GOT IT?

BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW.

BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW.

HONEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY?

I SAY LOOK TO THE FUTURE.

ARCHIE, WHO GOT THE PART? TELL ME.

WHO KNOWS WHY THESE THINGS GET CAST THE WAY THEY DO.

I'VE BEEN IN THIS BUSINESS 25 YEARS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT, HUH.

HA HA HA HA HA.

YOUR ROOMMATE JOYCE GOT THE PART, O.K.?

NOW, DON'T GO BLOWING THIS THING OUT OF PROPORTION.

WHAT CAN I SAY? SHE IMPRESSED THE DIRECTOR.

WHAT HAPPENED DID HER ORGASM SHOW SOME ACTING ABILITY?

WHAT HAPPENED DID HER ORGASM SHOW SOME ACTING ABILITY?

YOU KNOW HOW SHE GOT THIS PART, DON'T YOU?

SHE SCREWED THE GUY.

THAT'S NOT FAIR.

RIGHT. SHE'S NOT SLEEPING HER WAY TO THE TOP.

AT THAT RATE, WHO SLEEPS?

NO, NO, NO, RHONDA!

TELL HIM I'LL TURN THE DEAL INTO DOG FOOD!

YOU GOT IT? GOOD!

YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

YOU'VE GOT A ROTTEN ATTITUDE.

BECAUSE I WON'T PUT OUT?

BECAUSE I THINK IT'S WHAT'S INSIDE THAT COUNTS?

HAVE YOU THOUGHT MAYBE YOUR ROOMMATE GETS THESE PARTS

BECAUSE SHE WANTS THEM MORE?

I WANT THESE PARTS,

BUT THERE ARE SOME THINGS I WON'T DO!

FINE! WHAT WILL YOU DO?

I SHOWEDYOU WHAT I'M WILLING TO DO.

I FIRED YOUR ASS.

OH!

HELEN, IS THAT YOU?

OH, MY GOD. I HAVE THE BEST NEWS.

YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO GUESS

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME TODAY.

EAT NAIL POLISH AND DIE, YOU LITTLE BITCH!

GOSH. WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A BAD MOOD?

BECAUSE YOU'RE IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD.

BECAUSE YOU'RE IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD.

WHAT DO YOU GOT AGAINST ME HAVING A CAREER?

WHAT DO YOU GOT AGAINST ME HAVING A CAREER?

WHY DO THE HELL DO I EAT THIS SHIT.

WHY DO THE HELL DO I EAT THIS SHIT.

MIGHT AS WELL BE FAT AND MISERABLE.

HELEN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

HELEN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

WHY IS IT THAT EVERY TIME

SOMEONE GETS CLOSE TO CASTING ME...

SOMEONE GETS CLOSE TO CASTING ME...

YOU SUDDENLY SHOW UP WITH YOUR LEGS SPREAD?

I HAVE NEVER DONE THAT.

AND THAT'S MY ICE CREAM.

AND THAT'S MY ICE CREAM.

SO?

SO?

SO, THAT'S OKAY.

I DIDN'T LIKE THAT FLAVOR ANYWAY.

I DIDN'T LIKE THAT FLAVOR ANYWAY.

EEWW!

I WANT YOU OUT OF THIS APARTMENT.

BUT IT'S MY APARTMENT.

BUT IT'S MY APARTMENT.

GO TO HELL.

HELEN, WOULD YOU CALM DOWN?

LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS.

I THOUGHT THAT WE WERE FRIENDS.

DON'T EVER SAY "FRIENDS" IN RELATIONSHIP TO US.

YOU GOT ME?

NO FRIEND WOULD EVER DO TO ME WHAT YOU DID.

BUT I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING. I SWEAR IT.

REALLY?

OH, GOOD. DOUGHNUTS.

OH, GOOD. DOUGHNUTS.

WHAT ABOUT RUBINA'S CAR MART?

WHAT ABOUT BON VOYAGE CRUISES?

WHAT ABOUT BALL BUSTER?

IT'S LIKE COMPETING WITH A SPERM BANK.

BALL BUSTER?

YOU MEAN I GOT BALL BUSTER?

HA HA HA. YES!

YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW?

YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW?

THEN WHAT THE HELL

ARE YOU SO DAMNED HAPPY ABOUT?

YOU KNOW THIS GUY I'VE BEEN SEEING--TOM?

WELL, HE'S IN CHARGE OF THIS BEAUTY PAGEANT

FOR SOME TRADE SHOW OR SOMETHING,

AND, WELL, HE'S GOING TO MAKE ME THE WINNER.

SEE, HE GAVE ME THIS NOTE, AND...

UHH...

YOU MAKE ME SICK.

YOU MAKE ME SO SICK.

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

I REALLY LIKE THIS GUY.

THAT'S WHAT THE NOTE SAYS?

NO. THE NOTE'S FOR THE GUY EMCEEING THE PAGEANT--GEORGE.

DON'T TALK TO ME.

JOYCE, DON'T TALK TO ME.

JUST DON'T TALK TO ME!

JUST DON'T TALK TO ME!

HI.

HI.

JOYCE.

JOYCE.