Extras

What's on your mind? Seriously, talk to me.

Why am I not getting any acting roles?

I've been thinking about this. I'm glad you brought it up.

I've got a feeling it could be your shape.

It is a very unusual shape and I'm not sure who would be looking for it.

- Could you maybe do a bit more exercise? - Could you maybe do a bit more work?

- I don't know... - We can banter all we like but, I mean,

if you insist on remaining, you know, a blob,

could you maybe at least get a tan?

They're looking for a fat bloke with a tan, are they?

What's that for? Oliver Stone's story of Buddha?

Before I get up and walk out of here, possibly forever,

- have you got anything for me at all? - Loads of stuff.

Do you fancy panto in Guildford with Les Dennis?

No.

- What, that's it? - Yeah.

- You said there was loads of stuff. - I thought you'd go with that one.

What's the role?

It is the part of the Genie in Aladdin.

They're happy with a fat bloke for that, are they?

With a tan ideally.

I promise you, listen, I've done a panto before.

- Ah! Andy Millman, this is Les Dennis. - Hi. I know who you are.

- Good to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

- Andy is playing our Genie. - Oh, no, really?

Yeah.

- Could Chris Biggins not do it? - He was busy.

- Biggins was busy? - Yeah.

That's a nightmare.

What about John Thomson off Cold Feet?

Well, he was available but he screwed up the audition. He was very nervous.

Yeah, he can get nervous. That's a shame.

Sorry, can I just say, if you're interested in a famous face,

I represent Barry from EastEnders.

Not for this part though, no. It's too late, isn't it?

This part's taken, innit?

What about Jono Coleman? I thought he was up for it.

Yes, but since he did Celebrity Fit Club he's... Well, he's just not fat enough.

I've got Barry on the phone now, if you're interested...

No point, is there? No, the vacancy's filled.

Remember you took 12 and a half percent, ring any bells?

Sorry, Barry.

No one on the list was available, then?

No, and in the end we were running out of time and we just got desperate so...

Fantastic!

Andy. - Hi.

- Can I introduce this gorgeous creature? - Hello.

- This is Simone. - Hi.

Show him your ring. Engagement ring. Cost an arm and a leg.

Didn't want you seeing her and thinking, "Who's that stunner? I'll make her mine."

- Hands off, she's taken. - Silly.

I'm going to have to get going, sweetheart. See you later.

- Nice to meet you. - See you later.

Bye. Bye, darling.

Save it for later.

Eh? We asked 100 people, "Which comedian is going to land on his feet

"and get his end away with an absolute cracker?"

You said, "Les Dennis," our survey said, "Ding, top answer!" Jammy bastard.

Yeah, well done.

Still, it's about time I had a bit of good luck, isn't it?

The stuff that's happened to me, been in the papers.

- I don't know. - You do.

- Did you watch me on Celebrity Big Brother? - It was good.

Might have been entertaining for you, but I was at my lowest ebb.

The shit that was flying around before I went in.

I remember I was sitting there one day thinking, "What's the point, eh?

"What is the point?"

And... l've never really told anybody this before.

Okay.

- I even considered suicide. - Oh!

Yeah, actually thinking I'm going to end it all.

I'm thinking, "I'll do it here, live on telly. That will show them."

And as I was thinking about it, Melinda Messenger came in, lovely girl.

- She was chatting away. - Took your mind off it?

Yeah, I was looking at her tits. Lovely.

And I was thinking, "Come on, Les, look at them. Life is worth living after all."

I mean, I'd seen them loads of times in the papers and on the telly,

but when you're face to face with them...

- Live. ...you go, "Yeah, well done."

Yeah, that's a lovely story.

Hello, Heat Magazine.

Yeah, hi. Do you deal with the Celebrity Spotted section?

- Can do, yeah. Why, who have you seen? - Well, I just spotted Les Dennis,

the comedian and impressionist and actor Les Dennis.

I just spotted him shopping in New Bond Street.

Doubt he can afford much around there, can he?

Well he can because I just saw him

and he was spending a fucking shit load of cash, all right?

So put that in. Make sure you put that in.

- Hello. - Hiya.

I just wanted to introduce you to my friend Maggie.

- Hello, Maggie. - Hello, pleased to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too. What are you doing with this reprobate? You two an item?

- Oh, Christ, no. - All right.

No, I'm just here visiting him. It's the first time he's treaded the boards.

Oh, well, theatre. The stories I could tell you.

It's where it all started for me, up and down the country. Great to be back.

Things have changed a bit, mind.

There was a time when I wouldn't have had to share a dressing room.

Back in the day I'd have had two dressing rooms if I'd wanted.

One for me, one for all the cards and flowers from all the well-wishers.

Little presents and things they sent me.

Don't need a whole dressing room for those three, do you?

No.

What were you doing? You said you had to...

- What? - You were about to do something.

Yeah, I've got to go to the post office.

- See you later. - Yeah, it was really nice to meet you, bye.

- Yeah, nice to see you, bye. - Bye.

One and two, three and four,

five, six, seven, eight.

One and two, three and four,

five, six, seven, eight.

All right, stop, stop, stop. You're missing something.

I'm not getting something. What is it? What am I not getting?

- What am I looking for? - I know.

Somebody else.

- Yes? - 110%% .

You should be giving me a 110%% all of the time,

but that is not what I was thinking of. What am I looking for?

- Okay. - T and T.

Correct. T and T. And what is T and T? Come up here and show them.

T and T. Tits and teeth, yes. Tits and teeth.

And before any of you have me up on sexism charges,

do not forget this is my daughter.

That is all right. One more time...

- I know that girl. - Five, six, seven, eight.

Hold on, his daughter? But he's definitely gay.

He can't be gay if he's got a daughter.

- Oscar Wilde was married with two kids. - Well, he couldn't have been gay.

- What, Oscar Wilde? - Yeah.

- I've got to stop hanging around with you. - That's lunch, back at 2:00.

I do know her.

- Oh, hi. - Hiya.

Maggie! Do you remember me? Lizzie Bunton?

Daddy? We worked on that BBC kids' show together,

- The Orphans of Penny Farthing Lane. - Penny Farthing Lane.

Brilliant that.

Daddy, this is my friend Maggie. We worked on Orphans together.

Hello, nice to meet you. Lan Bunton, everyone calls me Bunny.

- Oh, already started your lunch I notice. - It's a banana.

- No, no, no, no. Cust-terd. - # Custard #

- No, come on, cust-terd. - # Custard #

- Don't worry about it. No, come on.

There. See, if something's worth doing, it's worth doing correctly. Must dash.

I'll catch up with you later, then.

- Yes. - Definitely.

Bye-bye.

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

Give her a kiss.

- Don't. - Oh, where have you been hiding her?

Oh, she's really lovely but she's a wee bit mental.

- Of course she's mental. Her dad's a gay. - He can't be gay.

Ho, ho, ho! Smarties. Yum, yum, yum.

- Les, you all right, mate? - Hiya.

- You all right? - Yeah.

- What have you got in your little bag? - It's the local paper.

Don't want to blow my own, not with my back,

but there's a little article in here. Hi, darling. Listen to this.

"Family Fortunes loser Les Dennis

"is on the comeback trail thanks to a starring role in Aladdin.

"Things are looking up for Les, 50,

"who recently announced his engagement to beautiful fiancée Simone Lewis, 26.

"With an age gap of a quarter of a century,

"Dennis is clearly punching above his weight again

"but insists they are very much in love."

- Marriage, faithfulness. - Do you want to get some lunch, darling?

- I can't, I promised I'd meet a friend. - A friend.

- Do you want some money? - Yes, please.

- Fifty okay? - Yeah.

Bit much for lunch, innit?

- Bye. - Bye.

- Alone again. - Yeah.

- Do you want to get some lunch? - I can't. I've already eaten.

Yeah?

- But I'll come for a coffee with you. - Yeah.

Yeah, course I will, course I will. If that's what you want.

Yeah. Thanks.

Come on, then, what shall we have?

Maggie.

- Oh, it's you. - Hello.

I'm trying to find my way out of here. It's like a blooming maze.

- Come in. This is my dressing room. - Oh, look at it.

I share this with the other girls in the chorus.

Yeah? Where are they?

I think they've all gone to lunch. Sometimes they forget to invite me.

Right.

- What are you doing on Sunday? - What, this Sunday?

I'll tell you what you're doing.

- You're coming to my party. - My sister might be...

It's going to be my birthday on Sunday and I'm having a party. I'm going to be 29.

It's very important and I'm just inviting my very best friends like you.

Yeah.

It's going to be brilliant. Oh, my parties are always great.

- Yeah? - Please come.

There will be entertainment there and everything.

- Oh, well. - Please, please.

- Oh, I'm just thinking... - You must! You must!

- Okay, then. - Brilliant.

Let me just check with Daddy that that's okay.