Crazy Famous

SUBTITLES BY EXPLOSIVESKULL

YES!

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, ANYONE CAN BE FAMOUS,

AND YOU DON'T REALLY NEED GOD-GIVEN ABILITY TO DO IT,

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU GO OUT THERE

AND SHOOT UP A CROWDED MOVIE THEATER.

THAT'S JUST WRONG, BUT IF YOU'RE MOTIVATED,

YOU CAN GET YOURSELF ON A REALITY TV SHOW,

OR JUMP CARS ON A MOTORCYCLE

OR... OR MARRY A MOVIE STAR

OR SIMPLY FIND A WIFE

WILLING TO HAVE 20 KIDS.

AS FOR MYSELF, MY BEST SHOT AT THE LIMELIGHT

IS TO BUDDY UP TO THE PRESIDENT.

I JUST NEED THE ATTENTION OF THE MEDIA FIRST.

SO YOU JUMPED THE CAMP DAVID FENCE

00 NEWS?

YEAH, IT'S PRETTY INVENTIVE, HUH?

HEY, WHERE'S ALL THE TV CAMERAS?

- TV CAMERAS? - AND REPORTERS.

I THOUGHT I'D BE DOING A BUNCH OF INTERVIEWS BY NOW.

- I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE. - THERE'S NO INTERVIEWS,

MR. MARCUS.

THERE'S NO REPORTERS OR CAMERAS EITHER.

IT'S JUST US.

JUST US?

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT?

I DON'T GET IT.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE BIG NEWS.

PEOPLE... PEOPLE JUMP THE WHITE HOUSE FENCE ALL THE TIME.

I DON'T THINK CAMP DAVID HAS THE SAME IMPACT.

I UNDERSTAND THE PRESIDENT

- WASN'T EVEN THERE AT THE TIME. - REALLY?

MR. MARCUS, CAN YOU IDENTIFY THE PRECISE POINT

WHEN YOUR PREOCCUPATION TO BE FAMOUS

- INITIALLY MANIFESTED? - EXCUSE ME?

WHEN DID YOU FIRST TRY TO BECOME FAMOUS?

FIRST TIME?

THAT'S EASY.

I HAVE SOME REALLY BAD NEWS FOR YOU, THOMAS.

YOUR DOG WAS HIT BY A CAR.

HE DIED.

I'M SO, SO, SORRY.

NO, REX? NOT MY REX.

NO, REX. PLEASE.

DID YOU TEACH HIM THAT VOICE?

HE CAN...

- THAT'S IT? - YEAH, MORE THAN ENOUGH.

HOW DO YOU EXPECT A YOUNG BOY TO CRY WITHOUT PROPER MOTIVATION?

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, NEXT!

TAKE A SEAT.

TYLER, WELCOME.

TYLER.

NO, REX.

NOT MY REX.

NO...

REX, PLEASE!

YOU CAN STOP. THAT WAS...

THAT WAS AMAZING. I ACTUALLY FELT SOMETHING.

- OH, MY GOD. - YOU'RE FANTASTIC, TYLER.

AND THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE.

YEAH, THANK YOU.

EXIT THAT WAY.

ALWAYS DIFFICULT WHEN FANTASY AND REALITY INTERSECT.

YEAH.

AFTER I SQUASHED MY MOM'S DREAMS,

IT WAS MY DAD'S TURN.

GET A LITTLE ARC IN THERE.

- NOW, PAY ATTENTION. - OKAY.

JUST KEEP GOING. KEEP GOING.

DID YOUR DAD GIVE UP AFTER THAT?

NOT YET.

HE WAS DETERMINED TO GET MY FACE

ON A BOX OF WHEATIES.

IF I WAS GOING TO MAKE A NAME FOR MYSELF,

I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO DO IT ON MY OWN.

GO! GO! GO! GO, GO!

WINNER!

YOU KNOW, MR. MARCUS.

IF SOMEONE HAS ASPIRATIONS TO BE FAMOUS,

IT'S USUALLY A PREREQUISITE THAT THE INDIVIDUAL HAVE

SOME SORT OF EXCEPTIONAL TALENT OR SKILL.

- WOULDN'T YOU AGREE? - CAN I BORROW YOUR CELL PHONE?

THERE MUST BE A PIC OF ME AT CAMP DAVID GOING VIRAL BY NOW.

BASED ON YOUR FAILED ATTEMPTS,

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME

YOU FOCUSED ON MORE ATTAINABLE GOALS?

THIS IS NOT FAIR.

WHAT ABOUT THE COUPLE THAT CRASHED THE WHITE HOUSE DINNER?

THEY WERE ALL OVER THE NEWS,

AND THEY WEREN'T EVEN CHARGED WITH A CRIME,

SO WHY AM I HERE?

MR. MARCUS, ONLY .001% OF US WILL EVER TRULY BE FAMOUS.

WITH THOSE ODDS, I THINK IT'S IN YOUR BEST INTEREST

IF YOU EMBRACED A NORMAL LIFESTYLE

LIKE 99.99% OF THE POPULATION.

CAN I HAVE A NEWSPAPER?

THERE'S GOTTA BE AN ARTICLE ABOUT ME.

LISTEN. I WENT THROUGH YOUR FILE.

YOU NEVER FINISHED COLLEGE.

YOU DRIFTED FROM JOB TO JOB,

NO SIGNIFICANT OTHER, NO CLOSE FRIENDS.

I UNDERSTAND YOU DON'T EVEN TALK TO YOUR PARENTS.

WE'RE WASTING TIME.

I NEED TO STRIKE WHILE THE IRON IS HOT.

MAYBE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS CONCEPT. ALL RIGHT?

CAN I PLEASE GET THE NUMBER OF THE PUBLICIST

THAT I LEFT IN MY COAT POCKET?

- CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME? - MR. MARCUS,

IF YOU DON'T OVERCOME THIS UNREALISTIC OBSESSION, A WELL-ADJUSTED...

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? HUH?

WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU WANT ME TO SAY THAT I'LL BE AN AVERAGE NOBODY?

- IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? - JUST CALM DOWN...

AN AVERAGE NOBODY WITH AN AVERAGE LIFE

DOING AVERAGE THINGS?

WELL, IT'S NOT AN OPTION!

I CANNOT BE PART OF THE 99.99%.

I HAVE TO BE FAMOUS! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

- THAT'S WHAT I'M MEANT TO BE. - MR. MARCUS, YOU NEED TO CALM YOURSELF DOWN.

SO IF IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN, WHY DON'T WE JUST END IT?

WHY DON'T WE JUST END IT, OKAY?

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M GOING THROUGH.

- LET IT OUT FOR ME. - I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT I STILL GOTTA TRY.

WHY DON'T I JUST END IT?

- GUARDS! - YOU WANNA SEE ME END IT?

- GUARDS! - I'LL DO IT.

I'LL DO IT.

GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!

YOU CAN'T...

STOP PUSHING AROUND.

EVERYBODY STOP PUSHING ME AROUND.

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

EXCUSE ME?

I SAID, "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG."

YOU NEED A SHARP VERTICAL CUT

INSTEAD OF A PUNCTURE MOTION.

HEY, LOOK... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M HELPING YOU.

JEEZ, YOU COULD SHOW A LITTLE GRATITUDE.

- GRATITUDE? - UH, YEAH.

YOUR WAY WAS GOING TO BE QUITE MESSY,

NOT TO MENTION PRETTY PAINFUL.

YOU DON'T WANT TO GO OUT LIKE THAT, DO YOU?

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

I'VE HAD A LOT OF PRACTICE.

THREE FAILED ATTEMPTS, TO BE EXACT.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

I'M HANNAH RENNER, BY THE WAY.

UH, BOB.

YOU'RE A PALINDROME?

TALK ABOUT KARMA.

MY NAME'S ACTU...

ACTUALLY ROBERT.

LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A LITTLE SUICIDE WATCH, HUH?

LET ME GUESS. YOU FUCKED A GOAT AT A PETTING ZOO.

NO?

MAYBE YOU TOOK A PISS IN A BATHROOM SINK

AT A 5-STAR RESTAURANT?

OH.

YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE CONVENTIONAL TYPES.

YEAH, YOU PROBABLY LOOKED IN THE MIRROR

AND DECIDED THAT CHUGGING A WHOLE BOTTLE OF SLEEPING PILLS

WAS THE BEST OPTION, RIGHT?

I... I JUST WANNA BE FAMOUS.

FAMOUS?

WELL, YOU'RE IN GOOD COMPANY,

REAL GOOD COMPANY.

SHAKE HANDS... HA HA HA...

WITH POPULAR TV PERSONALITY AND WORLD RENOWNED PSYCHOLOGIST,

DR. PHIL.

YOU HAVE OCD?

PTSD?

OCPD?

- ADHD? - THAT'S ENOUGH!

HE'LL GIVE YOU A HEADACHE WITH ALL OF HIS ISSUES.

WHAT'S... WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

WHO, ME?

WELL, THEY SAY THAT I GOT ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES,

BUT I DON'T SEE IT.

THEN AGAIN, THERE WAS THIS ONE TIME

WHERE I TOLD THIS DOCTOR THAT I WOULD SHANK HIS FACE

AND EAT HIS BRAINS WHILE HE WAS STILL ALIVE.

HE HAS IED, INTERMITTENT EXPLOSIVE DISORDER.

- I DO NOT. - DO, TOO.

- I DO NOT. - DO, TOO.

- I DO NOT! - DO, TOO, LARRY.

- STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! - PHIL!

CONTROL YOURSELF.

THESE FUCKERS ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO MESS WITH MY HEAD.

YOU KNOW?

PATIENT USES FOOD AND ANGER

TO COPE WITH HIS AVOIDANCE

IF HIS INSECURITY ISSUES.

YOU THINK I'M LIKE EVERYONE ELSE AROUND HERE.

BARKS AT THE MOON.

WELL, I'M NOT, YOU HIGH-AND-MIGHTY ASSHOLE.

BESIDES, YOU'RE THE ONE WEARING THE ANTI-SUICIDE SMOCK, NOT ME.

LISTEN, KID.

I'M GONNA MAKE THIS EASY.

YOU'RE AVERAGE.