Futurama

Farnswo rth: Planet express crew, report to headquarters immediately!

Repeat, what I just said, immediately!

Sorry, Randy. Ah!

Step away from the car, and no one gets hurt!

To the employment cave!

Thanks, Dean off to work.

Whoa, whoa, there, girl.

Go on, now! Get on back to Paraguay!

We're being eaten by a giant spider!

There's no time for that! The professor needs us!

Crew, as you know,

I've delivered a lot of good news in the past.

But what I'm about to lay down is by far the greatest announcement

in the history of planet express!

What is it? I'm on the edge of my butt.

Ladies and gentlemen, feast your eyes on our amazing new

soda machine!

That's what I'm talking about!

You undersold it, professor!

Look, it has slurm loco! It's the extreme-iest!

Hey, what can I get y'all?

Wow, you can talk? Shut up and give me a slurm loco.

Ooh! Ooh!

Hey, drink machine, what kind of alcoholic sodas you got?

Y'all can't drink at work! This ain't a sawmill!

No alcohol? (Scoffs)

And you got the nerve to call yourself a beverage machine?

I call myself bev.

And if you're looking for a smelly old can of booze,

go look in the mirror.

Oh, snap. Ooh...

No, no, everybody calm down.

Yeah, I need one more slurm.

And one more to wash that slurm taste out of my mouth.

So I went to the bathroom, and my pee was green. Pretty neat, huh?

I was wondering who shrekked in the toilet.

I hope you're proud of yourself, bev.

You've turned this perfectly worthless loser into an addict.

Cut me some slack, preacher.

I'm just a coal grinder's daughter trying to stay off the pole.

With that big old caboose, it'd have to be a telephone pole!

Hey-o!

Well, I guess a fellow's got to talk big

when he's sporting a little shrivelled up antenna like that.

What? (Sputtering)

For your information, "madam," it's a grower, not a shower!

My antenna's fine. It's just fine.

Ladies can't get enough bender.

I need to loosen up. Give me a screwdriver.

Hello. Who's your hot, dumb friend?

Me?

Sure, why not.

Hang on. It's too bright in here.

Call me old-fashioned, but I like a little romance in an orgy.

Let me switch off this weird light.

Fry, it's 2:00 am.

What are you doing here glowing on my skanks?

Just sitting here turning quarters into urine.

We don't got to put up with this.

We got poli sci degrees.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on.

I'll just politely escort him to the gutter.

Scram, shiny! (Grunts)

All right, how we feeling?

Hot. I could bake a potato in my cleavage.

Yeah, I need a seltzer.

I'd be honored to purchase you some refreshment.

Hey, drink machine, you got anything

classy for these delicate flowers?

I ain't making drinks for no trashy robo-sluts.

Trashy? At least I don't put out for quarters.

Hey. Stop that, drink machine.

Stop it, I say.

That's it, we're out of here.

Come on. We'll split a blintz.

Wait, give me a chance to defend your honor

and then Sully it on the couch.

All right, I've been waiting all day for an excuse to hit a lady.

You try it, and I'll bash your face in.

Ooh, I'm so scared, no-arms.

You want some of this?

Interesting. Hmm.

Uh, fry? You're glowing like the human torch on prom night.

Shouldn't you be standing on a rocky coast somewhere preventing shipwrecks?

Nice, hate me because of the brightness of my skin.

You okay, ma'am? I think your soda water broke.

My god! Bev just had a baby in my cup!

I know, right?

I better take that.

He's so cute. Wait. No, he isn't.

He looks like bender!

Oh, no, no, no. No way am I that kid's dad!

Wipe my tiny metal ass!

Aw, crap.

Mama, thirsty.

Hang on, dumpling. My milk's coming in.

In public?

Aw, biscuits! I'm a father?

How did this happen?

Does this ring a bell?

Are you telling me the stuff we did in private,

and also twice on the sidewalk, made a baby robot? How?

Aw, bender, didn't your mom ever tell you where robot babies come from?

No. She was a religious fundamentalist.

Plus she didn't have a mouth. It's an unusual combination.

Come on, everyone, let's take bender to the teen center

to learn about the bots and the bees!

It's okay, bender.

No one here will laugh at you for not knowing

where robot babies come from.

All: Aw...

We don't know, either.

Then prepare to be embarrassed.

Meet Gerald, a maturing young robot.

Hey, he looks like me!

Announcer: His hideous appearance is a by—product

of his hardware gearing up for an important mission,

reproduction.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

Announcer: Since factories can't manufacture enough robots

to meet demand, robots can also reproduce by mating.

Oh, now you tell me!

Announcer: First, Gerald must find a female robot.

The best he can do is Francine.

After beer and hot wings at a local gas station,

the two enjoy intimate time behind a dumpster.

It's all perfectly natural.

Let's watch, aroused, as Gerald's antenna uploads

a binary file to Francine's internal drive.

Manufacturing specs from each parent are then merged

by a randomized algorithm,

and the resulting code guides assembly of a new robot.

Yes, everything your body does is perfectly natural.

Except masturbation. That's just wrong.

Oh!

I can't believe I made a kid!

I'm not ready!

There's so much of the world I haven't stolen yet!

Relax, bender. No one would let you near a child.

Bev will get custody, and you'll be a deadbeat dad

who never even bothers to know his own son.

You really think so?

I know so. You're absolutely horrible in every way.

You're sweet, Leela.

Sorry, bev, but I ain't cut out for fatherhood.

So here's my certificate of abandonment drawn up by our notary.

That'll be 10 bucks.

Now take your kid and hit the soup line!

Oh, no, you don't, mister!

Damn baby's driving me crazy!

He won't stop giggling no matter how much I scream at him!

There, there.

I still got womanly needs!

Who's gonna look twice at me with this

dirty leech hanging off my dairy nozzle?

Not me, that's for sure.

Then it's settled! He's all yours, pappy!

Hey, wait! You can't leave... what?

What the...

Can't I have one moment to myself?

Why can't you sleep?

I left my window open, and moths got in.

I swear, if I wasn't such a great dad,

I'd grab his ugly little neck and...

(Giggles)

Hey, he stopped screaming for a second!

Bend some other stuff!

Bendlbend!

He loves bending, just like me.

I'm gonna call him Ben after the first half of me, bender.

That's my bastard.