Modern Family

Oh, no.

Has it been a year already?

We love the Fourth of July.

It's the perfect holiday.

You get to cook outside, blow stuff up, wear shorts.

Easter should be taking notes.

That was longer than I remember.

Hello?

Joe, you should be thankful that you live in this country.

I spent half of my childhood in a Banana Republic.

It was the only store in my village

that had air-conditioner.

Yes, Mr. President.

Yes, sir, I'd be honored to, sir. Thank you.

Amazing news.

The grand marshal for today's parade just got #MeToo'd,

and they need me to fill in.

Oh, Jay, I'm so happy for you!

So, now the only thing left on your bucket list

is to bare-knuckle fight a Russian!

Ay!

Oh, and Manny's gonna be back home

from his big road trip just in time for the parade.

He's been gone for so long. I can't wait to see him.

That's great!

We'll have the whole family back together with me

to ride in the convertible LeBaron.

Joe, how's your parade wave?

We'll work on it.

And brought to you by Ford. Going further, so you can.

More!

Yeah. I've got time to help you.

Oh, look at your cousin being so sweet

and helping out a friend.

Ugh! Such a weak little coward.

Are we done yet?

No. It's a really big bridge.

Or maybe you're just a really tiny man.

Things were going great on my cross-country drive

until I fell behind schedule

after I developed a perfectly rational, fact-based fear

of driving over bridges.

I called Cam for support since he taught driver's ed,

but he wasn't around.

What?

Turns out a strong verbal lashing

was exactly what I needed to get me across that bridge

and the many others that cover this country like a cancer.

Okay, Cal. Let's say hi to Mommy.

Say, "Hi, Mommy!" Whoa, whoa.

If I'm in that shot, back up a-and turn the lights down.

We had Chinese food last night. I look like a blow fish.

Okay, you know what, Mitchell? It's not about you.

I promised we would send a video of Cal

to my sister for her birthday,

and that was a week ago, so we got to get it done.

We have been watching my big-for-his-age nephew Cal

while my sister Pameron is...

is back in Missouri paying off a little debt.

To society. She's in prison.

For a tiny parole violation.

She tried something on in a store

and accidentally walked out.

It was another woman's purse.

The silver lining is,

Cal is benefiting from our parenting experience.

Mitchell is molding young Cal's brain

while I handle the young boy's body.

It's a miracle we're not in prison.

Yeah.

Okay, let's sing the alphabet for Mommy.

Come on, you and I worked on this.

A, B...

6!

You know, I think I put so much information in there,

it's getting jumbled up on the way out.

Well, let's... let's do some of your stuff.

Throw him a ball or something.

Oh, okay, yeah. That's a great idea.

Okay, on the count of 3, Cal.

Are you ready? 1, 2, 3!

Oh. Okay.

All right, um... well, hugs!

Hey, how about a hug?

Aww.

He is such a good hugger.

Okay, here's the thing...

football camp started when Cal came.

Then I was laid up

because of that dinner at Absolutely Crabulous.

Well, don't worry. I've been slacking on my end, too.

Yeah, but I've been telling Pam that Cal is thriving here.

We can't send her a video of him reciting his AB6s!

I wonder...

Go on. I'm in.

Is it possible to shoot him in a way

that makes him look better than he is?

Oh, honey, are you kidding? Vin Diesel's a movie star.

Anything's possible with editing.

What do you got there?

Oh, just choosing some classes for college.

This one looks interesting.

"In this intensive"...

Nope.

Drop that!

Game day, buddy.

For the first time ever, Luke and I are taking part

in the sport of kings,

the savory science.

We're teamed in a parent/child hot-dog-eating contest.

We've been training for weeks, and I'm proud to say that Luke,

like his old man, is blessed with a dogger's mouth.

I felt something tear inside.

Push through it.

You'll thank me when you start to feel the gorger's high.

Ugh.

Aah! What the hell?!

Oh, is the hot dog making you angry?

An angry stomach is 12% larger.

Boo!

I think we've got a real shot

to take down Rhonda and Thandie Hodak.

But they're undefeated.

I guess that makes us "under-dogs."

Mm. How long you been sitting on that one?

Not as long as you've been sitting on that couch.

- Hm. - Hey, hey.

Can I get in on that floor bagel?

Alex decided to take off some time earlier this summer,

and, like everything else she does,

she did it a little too well.

Who's there?

Did you bring food?

Uh... tomatoes.

But they won't be ready for six weeks.

You have a backup?

Well, I fell asleep on my phone,

and I think my face ordered another one.

Oh.

You know, do you want to join me?

You go back to work in a few weeks.

You'll regret it if you don't relax a little.

Uh, okay. Sure.

The... This can wait 10 minutes

until I get him into the ground, right?

Can you scratch my nose? I feel like you're closer.

Okay, up on the table

for a little stomach massage and heckler prep.

Hey, gals, things haven't been going that great

between me and Arvin, and he's stopping by

to say goodbye before leaving for Switzerland.

Could you take off the onesies

and make it look like we don't live in an insane asylum?

You suck! You eat like a moron!

Oh, my God!

It's like you want Arvin

to throw his return ticket off an Alp!

Mm. No wonder she's so stressed.

She's wearing, like, a seven-sie.

Haley. Fancy meeting you here.

Wait, why? I-I live here.

No, I-I know. I was... I was making a joke.

It was stupid.

Oh, no, it... it wasn't stupid. It was funny.

Well, you didn't laugh.

Well, do it again. I'll laugh this time.

I'd rather not.

Sorry. I'm just, um, a little...

I'm really nervous, and I feel like this goodbye

has so much pressure on it.

So let's just relax and be with each other.

I actually have to go.

No, seriously.

I misread my itinerary,

and I have to get to the airport.

No! So, uh, this is it?

This is goodbye?

I'm afraid so.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'll miss you, too.

Aww.

That's my car. I should probably...

Okay.

Uh, well... goodbye, Haley.

Oh!

Love you.

Love you, too.

Is he gone?

- Yeah? - Oh, good.

No one wants old fuddy-duddy dad

ruining the big romantic moment.

I'll be upstairs hiding in Luke's closet.

All right. There we go, Cal. Chew the peanut butter.

See? Now, with editing, we can make it look like

he's saying anything we want...

numbers, the alphabet, a joke about Jewish people.

Pam loves those.

Movie tricks come easy to me...

you know, clowns being naturals at deception.

It's true... a couple months into dating,