The Social Network

Did you know there are more people with genius IQs living in China

than there are people of any kind living in the United States?

- That can't possibly be true. - It is.

What would account for that?

Well, first, an awful lot of people live in China, but here's my question.

How do you distinguish yourself in a population of people

who all got 1600 on their SATs?

- I didn't know they take SATs in China. - They don't.

I wasn't talking about China anymore, I was talking about me.

You got a 1600?

Yes. I could sing in an a cappella group, but I can't sing.

Does that mean you actually got nothing wrong?

I could row crew or invent a $25 PC.

Or you could get into a final club.

Or I get into a final club.

You know, from a woman's perspective,

sometimes not singing in an a cappella group is a good thing.

This is serious.

On the other hand, I do like guys who row crew.

Well, I can't do that.

I was kidding.

And, yes, I got nothing wrong on the test.

- Have you ever tried? - I'm trying right now.

- To row crew? - To get into a final club.

To row crew? No. Are you, like, whatever, delusional?

Maybe it's just sometimes you say two things at once.

I'm not sure which one I'm supposed to be aiming at.

But you've seen guys who row crew, right?

No.

Okay, well, they're bigger than me. They're world-class athletes.

And a second ago, you said you like guys who row crew

so I assumed you had met one.

I guess I just meant I like the idea of it. You know, the way a girl likes cowboys.

Okay.

Should we get something to eat?

Would you like to talk about something else?

No. It's just since the beginning of the conversation about finals club,

I think I may have missed a birthday.

There are really more people in China with genius IQs than the entire population...

The Phoenix is the most diverse. The Fly Club... Roosevelt punched the Porc.

Which one?

The Porcellian, the Porc. It's the best of the best.

- Which Roosevelt? - Theodore.

Is it true that they send a bus around to pick up girls

who want to party with the next Fed chairman?

So you can see why it's so important to get in.

Okay, well, which is the easiest to get into?

- Why would you ask me that? - I was just asking.

None of them. That's the point.

My friend Eduardo made $300,000 betting oil futures one summer

and Eduardo won't come close to getting in.

The ability to make money doesn't impress anybody around here.

Must be nice. He made $300,000 in a summer?

- He likes meteorology. - You said it was oil futures.

You can read the weather, you can predict the price of heating oil.

I think you asked me that

because you think the final club that's easiest to get into

is the one where I'll have the best chance.

I... What?

You asked me which one was the easiest to get into

because you think that that's the one where I'll have the best chance.

The one that's the easiest to get into would be the one

where anybody has the best chance.

You didn't ask me which one was the best one,

you asked me which one was the easiest one.

I was honestly just asking, okay? I was just asking to ask.

- Mark, I'm not speaking in code. - Erica.

You're obsessed with finals clubs.

You have finals clubs OCD and you need to see someone about it

who will prescribe you some sort of medication.

You don't care if the side effects may include blindness.

Final clubs. Not "finals clubs."

And there's a difference between being obsessed and being motivated.

Yes. There is.

Well, you do. That was cryptic, so you do speak in code.

I didn't mean to be cryptic.

I'm just saying I need to do something substantial

in order to get the attention of the clubs.

- Why? - Because they're exclusive.

And fun, and they lead to a better life.

Teddy Roosevelt didn't get elected president

because he was a member of the Phoenix Club.

He was a member of the Porcellian, and yes, he did.

Well, why don't you just concentrate on being the best you you can be?

Did you really just say that?

I was kidding.

Just because something's trite doesn't make it less true.

I wanna try to be straightforward with you

and tell you I think you might want to be a little more supportive.

If I get in, I will be taking you to the events and the gatherings,

and you'll be meeting a lot of people you wouldn't normally get to meet.

You would do that for me?

We're dating.

Okay.

Well, I wanna try and be straightforward with you

and let you know that we're not anymore.

- What do you mean? - We're not dating anymore. I'm sorry.

- Is this a joke? - No, it's not.

You're breaking up with me?

You're gonna introduce me to people

I wouldn't normally have the chance to meet?

What the... What is that supposed to mean?

- Wait, settle down. - What is it supposed to mean?

Erica, the reason we're able to sit here and drink right now

is 'cause you used to sleep with the door guy.

"The door guy"? His name is Bobby. I have not slept with the door guy.

The door guy is a friend of mine, and he's a perfectly good class of people.

And what part of Long Island are you from, Wimbledon?

- Wait. Wait, wait. - I'm going back to my dorm.

- Is this real? - Yes.

- Then wait, I apologize, okay? - I have to go study.

- Erica? - Yes?

- I'm sorry, I mean it. - I appreciate that, but I have to go study.

Come on, you don't have to study. Let's just talk.

- I can't. - Why?

Because it is exhausting. Dating you is like dating a StairMaster.

All I meant is that you're not likely to... Currently...

I wasn't making a comment on your appearance.

I was saying that you go to BU. I was stating a fact, that's all,

and if it seemed rude, then I apologize.

- I have to go study. - You don't have to study.

Why do you keep saying I don't have to study?

'Cause you go to BU.

Do you want to get some food?

I am sorry you are not sufficiently impressed with my education.

And I'm sorry I don't have a rowboat, so we're even.

- I think we should just be friends. - I don't want friends.

I was just being polite.

I have no intention of being friends with you.

I'm under some pressure right now from my OS class

and if we could just order some food, I think we should...

Okay, you are probably going to be a very successful computer person.

But you're gonna go through life thinking that girls don't like you

because you're a nerd.

And I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that that won't be true.

It'll be because you're an asshole.

Erica Albright's a bitch.

Do you think that's because her family changed their name from Albrecht,

or do you think it's because all BU girls are bitches?

For the record, she may look like a 34C,

but she's getting all kinds of help from our friends at Victoria's Secret.

She's a 34B, as in barely anDhing there. False advertising.

The truth is, she has a nice face.

I need to do something to take my mind off her.

Easy enough, except I need an idea.

I'm a little intoxicated, I'm not gonna lie.

So what if it's not even 10:00 p.m. And it's a Tuesday night?

Billy.

The Kirkland facebook is open on my desktop,

and some of these people have pretty horrendous facebook pics.

Billy Olson's sitting here and had the idea of putting some of the pictures

next to pictures of farm animals and have people vote on who's hotter.

Good call, Mr. Olson.

Yeah, it's on. I'm not gonna do the farm animals,

but I like the idea of comparing two people together.

It gives the whole thing a very "Turing" feel

since people's ratings of the pictures will be more implicit

than, say, choosing a number to represent each person's hotness,

like they do on hotornot. Com.

The first thing we're going to need is a lot of pictures.

Unfortunately, Harvard doesn't keep a public centralized facebook,

so I'm going to have to get all the images

from the individual houses that people are in.

Let the hacking begin.

First up is Kirkland.

They keep everything open and allow indexes in their Apache configuration.

So a little Wget magic is all that's necessary to download the entire Kirkland facebook.

Kids' stuff.

Next is Eliot.

They're also open, but with no indexes on Apache.

I can run an empty search

and it returns all of the images in the database in a single page.

And I can save the page and Mozilla will save all the images for me.

Excellent. Moving right along.

Excuse me! Everybody!

You are at one of the oldest, one of the most exclusive clubs,

not just at Harvard, but in the world.

And I want to welcome you all

to Phoenix Club's first party of the fall semester!

Lowell has some security. They require a user name/password combo,

and I'm gonna go ahead and say they don't have access to the main FAS user database,

so they have no way of detecting an intrusion.

Adams has no security, but limits the number of results to 20 a page.

All I need to do is break out the same script I used on Lowell and we're set.

Quincy has no online facebook. What a sham.

Nothing I can do about that.

Dunster is intense.

Not only is there no public directory, but there's no directory at all.

You have to do searches,

and if your search returns more than 20 matches, nothing gets returned.

And once you do get results, they don't link directly to the images.

They link to a PHP that redirects or something. Weird.

This may be difficult. I'll come back later.

- Hey, Shark Week's on. - What?

- Great white, beautiful fish. - Nice.

Leverett is a little better. They still make you search,

but you can do an empty search and get links to pages with every student's picture.

It's slightly obnoxious that they only let you view one picture at a time,

and there's no way I'm going to go to 500 pages to download pics one at a time.

So it's definitely necessary to break out Emacs and modify that Perl script.