Harley Quinn

Ta-da! Oh.

What is that?

It's a vagina.

Oh! A human vagina. Oh, I see it now!

Everyone always draws dicks. That's sexist.

I'm tryna to flip the script, bitches.

So beautiful. It reminds me of my mother.

Listen, Georgia O'Keeffe,

if you hadn't made it so detailed, we'd still have some fuel left

in that incredibly powerful gun.

I will not compromise for my art.

Okay, everyone into the ice vagina.

Let's go kill Mr. Freeze.

I've been dreaming about getting revenge on this freezer-burned dickhead

ever since he froze me in a block of ice for months!

I'm thinkin' classic "stick an apple in his mouth

and roast him like the pig he is."

Whoa, oh-oh!

Take a gander at your cellular telephone. What?

Oh, my God! He finally did it

and she finally said yes!

Huzzah! Third time's a charm.

Eh, he could do better.

Oh, I love weddings! Me and Ivy have so much fun at weddings.

We'll get so shit-faced, we puke,

make fun of all the dumb couples,

make the DJ play "Since U Been Gone"

until a dad tries to fight us.

What do you think you're doing? Stop right there!

Get out of here! Spread out.

I got news for ya,

this is Ivy's wedding and she's the dumb couple. You need to find a date.

No way! After the "I dos," it's basically free time. She'll wanna hang out.

For me, the question is not who I will bring, but who I will be!

I've been working on a new character, Sandra.

She's single, by choice, and down to clown!

I guess I'll bring Tabitha of the Hammerhead Clan,

I mean, I am betrothed to her.

Post-Joker Harley

wants to hook up with as many randos as she can.

Ya bring someone to a wedding, that means you're serious.

Not if you bring a hooker.

You are a vile, pocket-sized man.

I don't want anythin' serious with anybody again.

So, I'm going solo.

The only thing I'm serious about, is gettin' some strange

from one or several members of that 12-piece jazz band.

Whoo!

Oh, my God! It's Beyoncé!

Oh, my God. It's Lady Gaga!

Harley Quinn,

I have been expecting you and your insane clown...

Group.

Psycho.

Ah! No! It's too cold!

I've got brain freeze.

I did tell you to wear a jacket.

It is unfortunate that the cold displeases you so much,

as the core temperatures of your bodies are about to

decrease precipitously.

Oh, what a dick!

Look what I just got from my nemesis.

"Congrats on the engagement. Condiment King"?

What an asshole, right?

Yes, a dick and an asshole.

Wait, why though? Can you just remind me?

Pff! Uh, where do I begin?

No emojis to convey the tone, and a period

instead of an exclamation point?

He's being sarcastic.

But what else should I expect

from my nemesis?

Chuck, are you okay?

No! I'm freakin', Pam!

We have to get this wedding venue.

Honey, don't put so much pressure on yourself.

We're just touring one venue, right?

Ah, no. It's not just "one venue."

It's the venue!

And if we don't get it, the whole wedding will be rui--

Hey! Relax.

Okay? All we need is a dance floor, booze,

and Kelly Clarkson's greatest hit. We could do it anywhere.

I have been dreaming of getting married

at the old Gotham corn factory

ever since I saw Melanie and Clint Howard's nuptials

in Obscure Celebrity Weddings Yearly.

That photo spread

was like a series of sick Renaissance paintings,

but way sicker. That could be us!

So, yeah, I'm a little on edge.

Well, then what are we waiting for, hon?

Let's go get that venue. Hell yeah!

All we have to do is impress the venue manager

with our super dope love, and it is in the bag.

Hey, uh, does this tie go with this kite?

Okay, no tie goes with a kite.

But you do look really handsome.

I will now unfreeze you.

Please, do not act as petulant babies,

for I have no intention of killing you.

Holy shit!

What are you gonna do to us, you frigid... Fuck?

Cursing. Hmph. The crutch of the illiterate.

People call me a murderer,

but that is a misnomer.

You see, I created this lab for the sole purpose of finding

a cure for my wife's incredibly rare blood disease.

It's terminal. Which is sad,

right?

And yet, there is hope.

I have been performing a multitude of experiments on the common snow rat,

which shares 98% of its DNA with that of a human.

The experiments have been a rousing success.

Ah! He's lost his shit!

This is a real shampoo factory.

Your arrival has proved fortuitous,

as it coincides with my decision to move on to human experimentation.

You know, speakin' doctor to mister,

maybe ya wanna get it right once

with a snow rat before ya move onto humans?

No. I'm 98% sure

that the 2% difference in DNA is the issue.

And now that I have you, Harley,

I can put that theory to the test.

Maybe we pull straws to see who goes first?

He is a man shark,

he is like an aged little boy,

and, hmm... A dirt man?

Yeah. Thus, you, being not only a human,

but also a human woman, are the

ideal subject. Hey!

Ah!

Fuck, again?

I do not know how much this will hurt, due to the fact

that complete loss of bodily functions can mean any number of things.

But, were I to venture a guess,

I'd say that it will... sting a little.

Wait! I know how we can save your wife!

You're only saying you'll save her life to save your own.

So what, you don't want me savin' your wife's life? Okay, I won't.

Hey, relax, relax. Let's not jump to conclusions.

This is a negotiation.

How do you propose to perform this miracle?

My friend's a doctor and the smartest person I know.

Wow! That's the nicest thing you've ever said about me.

Not you, idiot. Ivy.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Look, freeze, Ivy's a genius biochemist.

If she can't find a cure,

there isn't one.

Why would Dr. Isley help me?

She wouldn't, but she'll help me.

Now, let me out of these restraints,

I'll shoot her a quick text

and she'll come fix your wife up lickety-split.

This is an agreeable proposition.

There is only one thing we can do while we wait...

Lunch!

I will go make preparations.

Any food allergies or phobias I should be aware of?

No? Ha! Wonderful.

Harley, look, I don't want to question your plan,

but do you really think Ivy can find a cure?

I mean, Freeze will for sure kill us if she doesn't.

So we're just breezing past the whole,

"he's preparing us lunch" thing?

No idea, but I'm not bringin' her here and puttin' her in danger.

I'm buyin' us time.

This weirdo is all gross and obsessed with his dumb, dying wife.

Some might call that "love"?

Whatever. If we take her hostage and threaten to kill her,

we can get him to give us his freeze ray. And then,

we can freeze his ass in a block of ice!

Wow. Great plan. This is one of your best.

I got one question though.

How the hell are we supposed to find his wife, when we're frozen to chairs?

Could someone pass the mac and cheese?

Oh, my God.

What? If I'm going to pull off the plan,

I need sustenance.

The reason I wanted to do this lunch is,

Nora hasn't hosted guests

in quite some time. So I thought,

this will be fun for her.

Her options are limited.

Jesus, that blue perv gets his jollies by freezin' women.

Everyone, let us begin consumption of the bounty I have prepared.

Okay, change of plans. As a former ice-block victim

and now champion of ice-blocked women all over the world,

I decided we're gonna save his wife first,

then kill him.

Four minutes early, perfect.

Eager, but not desperate.

That's late in my book, bro.

Mitchell, what the hell are you doing here?

Oh. Didn't you hear?

You're not the only world-famous villain...

...engaged in this town.

I'm sorry, "world-famous"? Come on.