A.P. Bio

Hiya.

Helen! Please!

Please feel free to turn the lights on

when you arrive in the morning.

The day I become a member of the custodial union,

I certainly will, Dale.

That is not one of the rules.

Now I can see what I'm doing here.

- Hi, Ralph. - Good morning, Helen.

Oh, the morning announcements are just...

we're just chock full of 'em.

And we can't be late like yesterday.

Check this one out.

"Don't eat the broccoli in the cafeteria

or you'll get birth defects." Helen, what is this?

Food services couldn't get in the door,

so they left everything for the whole week

on the front lawn, and then the landscapers came

and blasted the whole thing with Roundup.

So the broccoli got the brunt of it

because it's in bags with holes.

Well, Helen, just tell them to throw the broccoli out.

What if the announcement is, "Don't eat broccoli

out of the trash, now more than ever?"

- Make it sound positive. - Okay.

Speaking of announcements, you got 28 minutes, kid.

Oh, gosh.

- Hi. - Happy hump day, Jack.

- All right. - Or, for my dogs, that's every day.

It can mean just about anything to them, you know?

Hello, good-bye, I like your style.

- Oh. - Hey, you're in my yard.

- Get out of here. - Yeah.

You know, I'm gonna kill you someday.

Oh, I'm gonna kill you first.

- No, really, you drive me nuts. - Let's do it. You wanna go?

- Guy... guys, let's... - Yeah.

- Sorry. - Yeah.

- We got in trouble. - Okay.

Listen, Jack, I would love to stay and chat,

but these next 28 minutes decide whether we grab

the ram by the horns or whether the rams kinda grab us.

Well, the hooves...

I guess it'd be a hug.

Ram hug. Don't wanna get hugged.

- That fell apart. - Hey, early bird. What you need?

Well, I'm just here early doing a little research for

- my new book about Toledo's working class. - Mm-hmm.

I was down in the cafeteria observing Ronda

and the lunch ladies as they cheerfully made

- about 200 breakfast burritos. - Mmm.

And then she was mixing up about three vats of what she

- was calling fiesta tots. - Mmm.

So, anyway, I just need to type up my notes

and I was hoping to do that in my massage chair.

And you have that, so, uh, give me it.

Cricket nipples.

- I gave it to Lynette in accounts payable. - Oh.

Because I read that if you sit on a yoga ball...

- Uh-huh. - It really strengthens your groin.

- Does it? - So you don't have a dumpy groin.

- Ah. - And who wants a dumpy groin?

So, sorry, where is... where is accounts payable?

I'd like to go see this Lynette.

Oh, it's that way. Left, two rights.

- Left and two rights. - Yeah. Okay.

- Hi. - Hi, Sarika.

Here are all the violations I witnessed so far today.

Well, you'd better tell them to me.

- Dale was ten minutes late this morning. - Oh, my God.

Travis Hexter put the school up for sale on eBay.

- It's at $300. - That's pretty good.

Anyway, back to this roofing debacle.

The guy shows up, he's a half hour late.

He comes in Mr. Fancy carrying a coffee like he has

not a care in the world. I...

Hi, is this accounts payable?

I was wondering if I could ask you to part ways

- with that chair because... - No, no.

I run the school's social media.

Lynette's payroll.

Anyway, my husband says to the guy,

"How much to get the whole roof reshingled?"

The guy says, "Eight thou."

He says, "Eight thou? Fat chance."

Hello.

Hi, I'm Jack.

I hate to tell you this, but you're sitting on a chair

that I technically bought so, you know,

bottom line is, that's my chair.

It's weird to say it's yours just because you bought it.

Do you know what I mean?

I bought that chipmunk, but he doesn't belong to me.

He belongs to the world.

Actually, yes, you're making a very valid

philosophical point. No one really owns anything.

Nice, nice.

- It was Jack, right? - Yeah.

Yeah, I was named after my grandfather.

"My grandfather," very formal.

I think I see what's going on here.

You grew up around horses, didn't you, Jack?

Which was nice because Mommy and Daddy

wouldn't give you a little brother.

After high school, you ran off to Egypt.

That is, until Daddy said it's time to come home.

He pulled strings to get you into Kent State,

a nice little place where you pledged Beta and played soccer.

But that was too big a pond for this fish, wasn't it?

So you came crawling back home to breed your pit bulls

and blow your family's fortune on online poker.

None of that is right.

Yeah.

But can you imagine if it was?

One, two, three, four!

He was peeing in the pool,

- and he wasn't even swimming in it. - Oy.

Thank you, Sarika. Dave, have you lost weight?

I keep telling you, I have a parasite.

Oh.

Don't write that down.

Helen, my office is freezing.

The radiator isn't hissing like it usually does.

- I'm on it, Ralph. - Okay.

Oh, Coach, thank you for jumping in last minute

- for that crossing guard. - No problem.

It's a real shame about Eugene.

- If I had my way, no one would ever die. - I hear you,

although I do worry that the overpopulation

would lead to people eatin' each other.

- True. - Right.

Oh, I didn't realize there were readin' glasses

in the pocket here. These must have been Eugene's.

- Oh. - Yeah, should we, uh...

Well, I'm sure his family would want me

to just pitch those.

Anything else in the pockets? Nothin'.

Nothin', really, nope.

Oh, pardon me. Comin' out.

Faculty comin' out. Move way.

Oh, here come the hornies.

Mm, that's...

What's going on? Why are you early?

Well, I... I, uh, I spent the morning studying

Ronda and the lunch gals, and then I went to get

my massage chair from this payroll lady,

but she refused and did this sort of

verbal jiu-jitsu thing on me.

I couldn't tell what was a joke and what wasn't.

There was just something about her.

Um, are you about to sing?

No, no, uh, I'm never about to sing, Anthony.

Murph... Murphy and Nagel. Yeah, that's it.

"The Myth of Ownership."

Yeah, I... I just figured out what she was quoting.

I shall have my chair. I shall have it by the time school starts.

Perfect.

No.

Welcome to the meat locker.

Hey, Victor, look up.

Okay, Ralph,

this guy's gonna get the heating working ASAP.

All right.

A...

Okay, here's something sad.

Somebody put a hamster in the vending machine,

and it's stuck in G9.

He's $2, Ralph.

- He's $2, Ralph. - All right, here.

- Oh. - There you go.

Oh, they tallied the students' votes

for the new football stadium name.

Oh, what name won?

It's a write-in.

It's Boner Palace.

- Hi, Ralph. - Hey.

So I have to admit, it was very hard

to sum up 94 years of a man's life,

but I think I have a pretty solid eulogy

- for our crossing guard. - Ooh.

You still want this on the morning announcements, right?

Absolutely. I loved Eu... Eugene.

Wow, uh, this is...

This is really long.

Um, anything you can cut out of this, maybe?

And quickly, if possible.

Well, I guess we could skip the part

- about his marital affairs. - Mmm.

Although that's my favorite section.

Mm, you know what...

Oh, hey, Mary?

I see you're on the phone there.

I just wanted to say that I got $10 of my own money here.

I really didn't even need to interrupt ya.

There's no headline here. This is my money.

Hey, uh, Mary, do you know a Lynette that works in payro...

Oh, I'm sorry, you're on the phone.

That begs the question, why were you talking to her?

Hey, I got ten of my own dollars here.

What's with the third degree?