Roald Dahl's Matilda the Musical

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A baby?

I'm not having a baby. What on earth gives you that idea?

I'm not listening to this. This is quackery.

But you're about to give birth.

Are you out of your mi…

Mrs. Wormwood, you're having a contraction.

I'm not having contractions.

Contractions are for pregnant women…

…who are having ba… …bies!

I'm having a stinking baby!

What?

A girl.

What, you mean my son is a girl?

I mean that your daughter is a girl.

Yeah, but the balloons, Doctor. I mean…

The balloons, they say "boy."

Mr. Wormwood, your wife has just given birth to a beautiful, healthy,

happy little girl. She's perfect.

This is fantastic news.

Everything all right, Matilda?

Yes, thank you, Mrs. Phelps.

Only, it's sort of closing time.

Oh, right.

I could stay while you pack up?

When I say "sort of," I mean an hour ago.

I already have packed up.

You looked so peaceful I didn't want to disturb you.

But I just know your parents cannot wait to have you back home.

Oh, yeah, they love me home.

Just… love me at home.

Oh, no, it's a disaster, Harry!

We forgot to send it to school!

He goes to school all the time, don't you, boy?

I'm a girl, and no, I don't. I've never been to school.

- Where d'you get all the books from? - From the library.

What, they're doing books now?

Oh, you are such an idiot!

What, me? I've got a business to run.

It's not my job to look after brats.

Haven't I got enough stress, what with all this debt you've put us in?

That I've put us in?

Yeah, yeah, you. Don't you get it?

We're trapped in the chains of debt.

And you, you expect me to escape like I'm some kind of…

Flaming escapologist!

Escapologist, is it? Well, I have a whole house to run.

Dinners don't microwave themselves, you know.

Hello?

- Who the flaming flip's that? - I was gonna tell you.

The school inspector's here. He's in the dining room with some floozy.

What are we going to do?

Well…

Dr Martin Luther King once said, "A lie cannot live."

Yeah. Yeah, we'll lie our way out of it.

Like what that doctor said.

Home schooling, uh, yeah.

We home school that one.

It's all the rage these days.

You know, what with being a businessman and an entrepreneur.

Well, then, I understand rage.

Okay…

And what kind of education does she receive here?

Well, I do makeup and Harry does welding.

Matilda, isn't it?

My name's Miss Honey.

So you've been homeschooled, have you?

We were wondering if you'd like to come to be school-schooled.

We're a few weeks in already,

but, uh, we've another girl who's missed the start of term too.

You could just join her.

What's it like?

School-school.

Uh… sometimes it can be intense.

But I promise you my class is just fun.

I'll teach you all about history and music and literature...

Literature! So, books then?

At school, we have loads of books. Full of stories.

And we'll even teach you how to write your own.

How does that sound?

All right, look, look, look, I'll sort this.

I'd better go.

Hm.

Once upon a time…

There was a little girl…

Who was trapped.

I can't believe that! Talking to me like that.

How dare they! I'm getting fined because of you!

It's not my fault!

You forgot to send me to school.

Yeah, well you're going to school now, and you're gonna meet The Trunchbull.

The Trunchbull?

Agatha Trunchbull. Headmistress of Crunchem Hall.

Big, strong, scary woman she is.

Used to compete in the Olympics. Yeah, throwing the hammer.

And guess what I just did?

I called her and told her

what a nasty little, trouble making goblin you are.

No!

Oh, she is so looking forward to meeting you!

- - That's not fair!

It's not right!

That oughta teach you, ruining our life!

Yeah, disgusting little gargoyle.