Father Brown

If you're expecting a tip, you can think again!

And bring those into the house will you?

First left off the landing!

I paid you to move it, not break it!

Ugh, imbeciles.

God!

Argh! GLASS SHATTERS

CAR HORN

Silly girl!

Sorry, just testing my horn.

Thanks, Bunty.

Lulu And Lucia... Rings a bell.

From what I hear it's nothing but filth.

It's frightfully saucy. You should give it a read.

No, thank you very much.

It's filled with disreputable characters.

My absolute fave is Lulu...

Lucia's secret lover.

Now that's more than I need to know.

Oh, maybe you'd probably prefer Cardinal Vogel the handsome gigolo.

Oh!

Oh, I'm going to try and get it signed now the author's local.

Local? Just moved into the area.

Finally someone in Kembleford with a little bit of spunk.

But have you not heard?

Lucia Morell was attacked -

blinded in one eye.

Really?! Uh-huh.

Lucia...

Am I really that ugly?

Don't go anywhere near her.

I'll do as I please

and you won't stop me!

It's just like one of her novels -

intrigue and mystery attackers...

This is not some made-up story.

A woman has been maimed.

Quite.

I wonder what the attacker was after?

Perhaps they were trying to bump her off?

Oh, now you're just getting carried away.

Lucia said in her interview she was going to reveal

who Lulu was based upon in her next novel.

Mmm. You think someone was trying to protect the real Lulu's identity?

According to this, Lulu could be any one of 20 women.

How do I look?

Fine.

No offence, but don't you think she's just a little...

What, out of my league?

Undoubtedly.

But...

here goes nothing.

Oh, damn!

Anything?

Hm?

HE SIGHS

Are you all right, Father?

You look a little...

constipated.

I beg your pardon?!

I meant mentally.

It's staring me in the face, I know it is...

Lulu. Lu... lu?

You'll never get it.

Number 14.

Ursula Lansford?

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Lady Ursula Lansford of Uxbridge...

L-U-L-U.

Lulu... Father, you're a genius...

Lady Ursula is a respected charity worker

who takes in young women just out of prison.

Well, I intend to pay a social call on Miss Morell

to get my book signed.

You should come along, Father.

Father has his homily to write.

Isn't that right, Father?

Yes.

Of all people.

Accusing Lady Ursula!

Ursula.

Darling!

You look stunning...

as ever.

But the glasses...

Migraine.

Oh, poor you...

Don't!

I told you a long time ago not to contact me.

Mmm.

But I need your help.

Not this time.

You helped me after the fire.

Why not again?

I've changed.

Oh... SHE CHUCKLES

Morning, Mother. Shall I make some tea for you and your guest?

Not now, James. I'm busy with...

..with my work.

Always are.

Brimming over with maternal instinct, I see.

Should have taken my advice.

Gotten rid.

He means everything to me.

There was a time when I was all you needed.

Do you ever think about what we had?

The nights we spent together, our bodies aching,

dripping with sweat...

..but it wasn't just physical, was it?

Just say your piece and go!

Very well.

The thing is...

I can't get a publishing deal for my next novel.

Apparently my kind of "erotica" is old hat...

You want money?

I've had to move into some hovel on the edge of the village.

It just isn't me, darling.

My finances are tied up in this place. Then sell it!

This is not just my home.

It's a place where ex-offenders can live and start again.

How very selfless.

My aim is to open up the entire house so that others can stay.

Oh, you're really starting to bore me now, darling.

You either sell this place and give me half the profits

or I'll reveal to the press

that my fictional lover was based on you.

I don't care what my peers think any more.

Does your son know about your past?

If you go anywhere near him, I'll...

You'll what?

I'm warning you.

You of all people

know what I'm capable of.

Apologies for not having introduced myself earlier.

Lucia Morell...

James...

That's... Oh...

Yeah, I met you briefly, years ago.

Yes, yes I'm an old friend of your mother's.

Now please would you be an absolute darling

and drive me home?

I don't live very far.

Um, right.

Um, of course...

SHE GIGGLES

Yeah.

You know...

You have your mother's eyes.

Oh, I-I really should be going.

James...

Um, now I don't wish to be rude,

but you strike me as someone not entirely very successful

with the ladies. Am I right?

Well, I...

And one might even endeavour to say that, um...

..that you're still a novice.

Am I right?

Oh, my poor darling.

And the problem will only get worse.

You see, women can smell desperation on a man.

And you, my poor love...

you positively reek of it.

Now, what you need is a woman of the world to teach you,

so that you'll have the confidence to charm any girl you want...

Hm?

So...

Would you like a lesson, James?

Hm?

I am very sorry,

but I simply cannot let that woman's daughter join the choir.

But she's got such a beautiful voice, and she's really very keen.

Well, beautiful voice, or not,

until she is willing to lower the hem of her skirt and...

Spot of brunch and then off to Lucia Morell's house.

Care to join me?

I'm all for young people joining the choir,

but we do have our standards to keep up.

Isn't that right, Father?

Sorry, it must have been nerves.

I could comfort you with cliches about how it doesn't matter

and how it happens to all men.

But I'm sorry, my love...

it's just not true.

No wonder you're still a virgin.

You were absolutely pathetic...

Please... I've had hundreds of men, and never one SO inadequate.

You're like a little boy, really, aren't you?

No... Did Ursula not give you the attention you needed?

Too busy with her charity work to notice her own son.

Is that why you took comfort in eating?

You will never satisfy a woman.

You've got to face facts.

You're just a big, fat baby

who can't rise to the occasion!

Shut up!

HE SOBS

Put your clothes on and go home!

After all she's done for us.

Lady Ursula doesn't deserve this.

If that one-eyed crow gets her way, we'll all end up on the street.