Everybody Loves Raymond

- Hi! - Hello, sweetie.

There's your birthday present,

but you can't open it till tomorrow.

Welcome, Mom and Dad-in-law.

Hello, Robert.

Hello, Raymond!

Hey.

How are you doing?

Pat, I remember how much fun you and Raymond had

doing that puzzle last year, so I bought one...

"The Ten Commandments,"

all of which I love, by the way.

Not a stinker among them.

Actually, we've already done that puzzle.

Damn!

Guess I gotta work on this one right here.

So, Mom, Dad, you guys will be sleeping in our room tonight.

Yes, I think you'll be very comfortable in our room.

We have a great bed. You're really gonna enjoy it.

Not enjoy enjoy...

sleep, enjoyable sleep,

'cause that's all you'll be doing, I'm sure.

Which is not to say you can't

do what you want, 'cause you can.

It's not like you'll be breaking any commandments.

It's like your mouth is falling down the stairs.

"Enjoy our bed."

I'm such an idiot.

Oh, hi.

Is everything all right?

What, can't sleep?

Yeah, me neither.

Your mom's cacciatore was very spicy.

Wow!

Oh, Robert, please don't tell anyone I smoke.

No no, I won't.

It's my dirty little secret.

I don't smoke a lot, just three a day.

- I've tried to quit but they're so... - Addictive.

I was gonna say "wonderfully relaxing."

That too. Yeah.

So, no one knows? Not Hank?

Oh, goodness, no.

- Not even... Raymond? - No.

So, if you don't mind me asking,

how have you been able to keep it hidden?

It's not easy.

I buy my cigarettes two counties over

where no one knows me.

But you never smell like smoke.

I only smoke outside. I hold it downwind

and I always have plenty of minty chewing gum.

In fact, Hank thinks gum-chewing is my bad habit.

Interesting.

I appreciate you being so understanding, Robert.

Oh, sure. Of course.

I've kept it hidden so long, it's kind of nice

to let someone in on the secret.

Well, I'm glad

I can be that someone.

Me too.

So you mind if I bum a ciggy?

You want a cigarette? But you don't smoke.

Oh, sure. As a cop,

it helps to have a smoke every so often,

'cause I gotta tell you, I see a lot of sick things every day.

You know, I once found a foot in a mailbox.

Oh, my.

Oh yeah. Luckily, we caught the guy

'cause there was a return address.

It's a cop joke.

Here you are.

Ah...

Ah, great. This will hit the spot.

Are you sure you're okay now?

I'm fine.

Listen, l...

I'm sorry I lied about me smoking.

But I have to tell you, I think I got a little taste for it tonight,

and I just might pick it up.

Robert, I want you to know...

I had a very nice time talking with you.

Me too.

Okay.

Aw.

Good night.

'Night.

Hey.

Oh, sorry. I was just getting a drink of milk.

What's that smell?

Nothing.

This is just a dream.

Were you smoking?

No. Shh. Go back to sleep.

You're flying.

Will you... will you stop smelling me?!

Wait!

Hey! Tell me the truth!

Do you smoke?!

Shh! People are sleeping

and you're being very inconsiderate.

What's going on out here?

You see what you did? You woke up an old lady.

- Robert was smoking. - I wasn't. I wasn't!

- Smell him. - Come here. Come here.

Oh my God!

Ow!

What are you doing?!

Somebody'd better be dead or dying.

Smack him, Frank.

Ow!

Can I go back to bed now?

Do you know what he's been doing? Smell him.

No, not there! His shirt!

All right. All right.

He's been smoking!

All right!

I did it just once, okay? Just one time.

- Why?! - All right. There was...

this new guy at work who smokes, and he's...

and he's really popular, and I just wanted to fit in.

But I didn't even like it. It made me throw up.

No more lying. You're a smoker!

Is everything all right?

Everything's horrible! Robert smokes!

No!

Don't you know that smoking can stunt your growth?

You know, I am not only the vice principal

at Cooper Junior High School, I am also the Health Ed teacher.

Good. Tell him how bad smoking is.

When any faculty member brings me a youngster

who they've caught smoking,

do you know what the first thing is that I ask them?

"Why don't you just drink poison?"

Well, Mr. Barone, I'll ask you the same thing:

Why don't you just drink poison?

Do you have any?

Jokes. Funny business. It's what I get from my 12-year-olds,

and I guess it's what I'll get from you as well.

Can you believe this, Mother?

Wait.

Robert...

I'm very disappointed in you.

Hey, Puff the Magic Dragon.

Where's everybody else, Robert?

They'll be over soon. I just had to get out of there.

Mom hasn't hit me this hard since I was 12

and she found me using her bra as a slingshot.

- Yeah, what are you doing smoking? - I don't know.

- It's so gross. - Okay.

Do you think it makes you look hip, the smoking?

No.

It probably looks like Frankenstein blew a fuse.

I don't smoke, all right?

I did it one time and it was just so I could get closer to...

Who? Closer to who?

No one.

Although she didn't exactly stick up for me.

She? Who's "she"? Marie?

- No. - Amy?

- No. - Not Pat.

Pat?

No!

Pat smokes?

I caught her outside last night, okay?

But don't say anything. Nobody knows.

Wait wait wait. You were smoking with Pat,

and you got in trouble, and she didn't say anything?

- Don't worry about it. - Ohh.

Oh, you're not the smoker? I had so many more names for you:

Smokey the Bear, H.R. Pufnstuf,

Towering Inferno.

That's a good one.

Okay, birthday time.

Oh, great. They're here.

Hey, Robert...

I didn't know you were cool.