Freddy Got Fingered

Hi, hi, hi, hi.

I'm X Ray Cat. I've got super powers.

I can see through wooden doors with my X-ray vision.

I can see the criminal on the other side.

He can't see me, and he's committing crime.

I come along and say, "I can see you!" He says, "You can't see me."

I say, "Yes, I can with my... doo-doo-doo-doo...

"X Ray... doo-doo-doo-doo...

X Ray Cat."

"You can't get me! You can't get me!" "Yes, I can. Yes, I can.

Doo-doo-doo-doo. Yes, I can."

See... the bananas?

I know a banana who applied for a job as a telephone repairman.

Guy came and said, "You want job here?"

He said, "Yeah, I wanna get a job as a telephone repairman."

He said, "You got the job! You got the job, buddy!"

Then the beavers came.

The beaver started yelling at other beaver.

The beaver started yelling. He said, "You stupid beaver!

You stupid!"

Bye, Gord! Good luck!

Hey! Get off that skateboard!

I'm calling the cops!

Gordy, honey, I'm so sad you're leaving.

Why are you moving to Los Angeles to work in a cheese factory?

I'm not going to Hollywood just to work in a cheese sandwich factory.

I'm going to shop my drawings. I'm gonna be a famous animator like Charles Schultz.

- You're gonna be fine. - No, I'm gonna be like Charles Schultz.

That's my boy! Confidence!

You're a big man now. You got a job.

Goddamn real job, Gord.

You finally gave up on those stupid doodlings.

They're not stupid. They're not stupid.

Whatever, son. At least you're gettin' out of Daddy's basement.

Shh, shh. He has a very nice job.

Look at our little baby boy's all grown up. You come here.

- Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom! Mom, Mom, stop it. - Baby, baby.

Stop it. Mom, I'm a 28-year-old man.

- Hey, baby. You're a 28-year-old man! Ooo!

Yeah, I'm a 28-year-old man.

My bus is about to leave.

So I'm gonna get on it, and I'm gonna leave... on it.

- Son, wait! - What?

You're not taking that bus to Los Angeles.

You bought me a ticket on this bus to Los Angeles.

That's not all he bought you.

There. It's yours. Hop in.

Come on. You're drivin'.

It's a Le Baron.

You bet your boots it's a Le Baron. Good Car. Convertible.

Geez, a convertible.

It says "#1 Son." That's me! I'm the number-one son.

What about me, Mom?

You're number-one son too.

How come Gord gets a Le Baron and I don't?

- It's 'cause they love me more than they love you. - No, no, they don't!

I only see one Le Baron, Freddy.

- I don't see two Le Barons. - Gordy.

-Hey, knock it off! -Where's your Le Baron, Freddy? -Boys, boys.

- How many Le Barons? Are there two Le Barons? - Shut up!

Gord, this car is more than a gift.

It's kind of an investment in you.

It means, "I believe in my son."

You be a good man.

Father, I will be a good man.

You make your daddy proud. You hear me?

I'm gonna make you proud, Daddy.

I'm gonna make you so proud!

You make your daddy proud.

You're gonna be so proud.

Proud?

Proud!

Get the fuck outta the way!

Well,

the boy's grown up.

He's finally gone.

Ya-hoo!

Ya-hoo!

What are you doin' to that horse?

This is a stud farm, boy.

- Don't climb that fence. You can't come over here. - I wanna try the horsey.

Oh, oh, oh, this is fun! Look at me, Daddy! I'm a farmer.

Oh, this is fun! Look at me, Daddy! I'm a farmer.

I'm a farmer, Daddy. Whoo!

- I'm a farmer! - Get the hell out of here!

I'm really proud of that kid.

Yeah, I think he's all grown up.

Look at me!

I'm sexy! I'm a sexy boy!

Ding-dong! Ding-dong!

Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong.

Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong.

That's lunch, everyone. Back in 45 minutes.

Hey, you guys leaving?

Can I help you?

Excuse me? Can I help you? Excuse me!

It's okay. I'm here with the bag.

- The bag? - The bag for the eels.

- What? - For the badger.

What?

- Hey, hey! What are you talking about? - It's okay.

- Are you here for delivery? - Japan Four.

What?

Japan Four?

I brought the package you guys ordered.

Wait, who's it for?

It's smudged. I can only make out... "boss."

- Mr. Davidson? - Ah... Davidson?

- Dave. - Dave Davidson! Yeah, Dave Davidson.

That part was really smudged, okay?

You said "Dave Davidson." Then it triggered it in my brain.

Before I didn't see it, but then you said it, it triggered in my brain.

- He's the head guy? - Yes.

If you wanted to get a TV show based upon your animations, he's the guy you would talk to?

- Yes! - And he has brown hair?

- Blond. - Blond. Blond hair!

I'm looking for someone who's blond. Blond hair!

Are you a blond? Are you a blond?

- The blond? - He's at lunch, so I'll take the package.

- He's at lunch? - Mm-hmm.

His wife is dead!

- What? Linda? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, Linda.

- She's dead. I should tell him. - My God.

- Probably best that I tell him. - Who are you?

- I'm... I'm Quincy. - I'm at the coroner's office.

I'm like a police officer. I'm like a police officer.

- So I should see Mr. Davidson 'cause I'm a police officer. - Okay.

He'll be at that restaurant.

He'll be devastated.

God, he loved Linda.

He did love Linda.

I know.

I think that's wonderful when two people love one another.

Even though there's always a chance one of those two people...

will die a gruesome, horrible death, that doesn't make me fear love.

I'm not afraid of love.

Could I be your boyfriend? I love you.

- Get outta here! - No, no. I was just thinking--

A woman is dead. Linda is dead!

I thought we could grieve together over the dead Linda.

Over the dead woman! Over the woman, over the woman.

Fuck off! You're a skinny loser!

- Someone call security! - Don't call them!

- Security! - Don't call them, okay? I gotta go.

Listen, you tell Hanna-Barbera to go fuck themselves, okay?

I got 12 Korean teenagers in a tiger cage that can draw a fucking dog wearing a cape!

I'm looking for a Mr. Dave Davidson!

- Are you Dave Davidson? - No.

- Are you David Davidson? David Davidson. - My name's Peter.

- I'm looking for a David Davidson. - I'm a woman.

- Okay, did I ask what sex you are? - No.

- Did I ask if you were David Davidson? - My name is Cheryl.

Um, I'm Dave Davidson. Is there a problem?

- Are you Mr. Davidson? Really? - Yes, I am.

- Yeah, Officer, really. Is there a problem? - I'm not really a cop.

My name's Gord, and I want to meet you to show you my drawings.

Your drawings. Are you kidding?

Mr. Davidson, I'm an animator. I've got this show idea I wanna pitch to you. It's a cartoon.

It's about this cat. It's got super powers. It can see through wooden doors.

He solves crimes. He can fly.

My friends and I, we all think it's hilarious.

He can fly like this. It's great!

Listen, I'm glad your friends enjoy it.

Tell me something. What do you want?

- I want you to help me make it into a TV show. - Let me get this right.

You wanna barge into a restaurant dressed like a fucking English bobby,

and expect someone to give you a TV show?

I don't know. Uh... yeah.

- Do me a favor. Leave me alone. Valet? - Please, please.

Please, just look at my drawings, okay?

Yeah, okay. Fine, fine.

Okay, it's X Ray Cat. Except instead of being able to see through everything,

he can only see through wood.

So if there's something going on the other side, say, a wooden door--

- See the criminal? - I see the criminal, I see the door.

See through the door, see the criminal, and save the day. He saves the day. Okay?

Much to the dismay of the police, the dismay of the mayor.

- They hate it when people take the law into their own hands. - Like a Batman.

Like a Batman. Like the Guardian Angels.

- What's that called? - Like a vigilante. Right.

Like a vigilante! He's like a vigilante...

uh, cat--