Don't Tell Amma by Sumukhi Suresh

Please welcome on stage

the sexiest bitch on the planet

Sumukhi Suresh!

Okay. Oh! Woah!

Keep clapping! Keep clapping!

Stop it! You don't have to clap.

Yeah!

Wait I have to find a black tape.

Ah! It's got it, got it! Yeah keep clapping.

Oh! Yeah! Good evening Bangalore! I'm so happy to be here.

So happy!

I'm so happy. I'm just breathing.

I'm so, Bangalore is, I mean everybody knows this.

This is declaration that Bangalore is my favourite city.

Everybody knows this.

Like, I don't even think, there is ...

Chennai tries it once in a while. And I know Chennai.

No, no, the thing is I love Chennai.

And in Chennai, they were like, you'll pick Bangalore or Chennai,

and I'm like..

You know Chennai is your first boyfriend,

who gave you good sex.

He gave you good sex,

not like he taught you sex.

But, the second one went oho ho ho....

Excuse me. Yeah!

Cause by the time you come to the second boyfriend,

you also know a few tricks, uh!

Hello, excuse me!

My name is Sumukhi Suresh.

I do this five minutes later,

so that everyone is comfortable with me now.

Everyone's like, "Oh Sumukhi yeah! Got it! Got it!"

They're like, "She's so cute."

"That dimples she has." That's all I want.

My father named me, actually.

My father named me Sumukhi.

He named me after a prayer called 'Lalitha Sahasra Namam'

That's right. The first line is something something Sumukhi.

So basically he named me after a Goddess.

Stop it!

But my mother argues, of course.

My mother argues that he named me

after his sexy secretary

who he once had the hots for.

So they keep battling and I realised okay,

so I'm a goddess and I'm a sexy secretary.

Basically I'm the Indian section of YouPorn.

Yeah! So if you want a sexy secretary singing Aaygiri Nandini,

that's me guys!

I'll be like, "Sir can I file your taxes,

Oh! We know what he's up to.

He goes to Bharatnatyam performances and goes woo! hoo!

I planned the tour for 'Don't tell Amma' during June and July, okay.

Everyone told me, "Sumukhi, don't do it in June, July."

"Don't do it! Because cricket world cup is happening."

So nobody will come for your show."

People came for my show.

Lots of people came for my show.

It's because dumb boys don't follow me guys.

Yeah! Yeah!

These smart girls follow me, huh!

And boys who like these smart girls follow me, relax!

Relax! I got you covered.

Which led, which led to my Woke friends looking at me

saying that, "Sumukhi, are you insinuating?"

Cause woke people don't say assume, no?

They say insinuate.

They won't say things like, "Don't shout."

They'll say, "Don't attack me."

Woke people don't say barbeque, they say, "Sati "

Oh! We can say it! Our gender only went through it.

So more, my woke as fuck friends went,

"Sumukhi are you insinuating

that girls don't love cricket?

Are you saying that girls don't understand cricket?

Is that what you're saying?"

Let me start my show with a PSA. Okay?

Girls / Women / Gender that associates with girl and women.

We don't have time to love or hate anything.

Guys, we don't have time.

We don't love or hate anything,

we assess things,

we gauge things.

is it worth loving?

Is it worth hating?

Is he really worth all the love?

Or is he really worth all the hate?

That's what they're constantly thinking.

If he is that guy

who is going to do the kind favour of going down on me

before I go down on him.

He is going to be like, "Ma'am, first let me taste the poison,

then you taste it."

If he is that guy, then I love Sachin Tendulkar dude.

I'll call his square cut, 'what a beauty' all my life.

In fact when I'm cuming, I won't mourn.

I'll say, "Aila!"

But if he is that motherfucker,

who is going to make sure that I go down on him first

then rush to the shower,

and then take the shower and then be like,

"Excuse me, can you give me towel?"

Then I'll be like, "Hmm, I don't understand only sports."

You know how it is right with us girls.

Stereotype, stereotype, stereotype

I'm so sorry.

Sanjay Tendulkar, two separate people.

Is it? So sorry. Bye!"

Fuck! Then I don't like sports for that bastard.

And you girls also stop doing this nonsense.

We are like, "Huh who said that. We love sports, we understand sports."

Shut the fuck up.

They don't have to know that we know.

Just exit a situation going,

"Bye, I don't understand only, brain peanut, sorry."

That's nice. I'm a Tamilian, I was raised in Nagpur.

Yeah!

She got it dude!

The moment I said Nagpur, she said,

Hahaha

"That's funny. First joke of the day."

Yeah! My father voluntarily moved to Nagpur.

Nobody forced him.

He decided, "I'm going to move to Nagpur"

He wanted to take his career ahead in Nagpur.

Yeah I know!

His options were Mumbai and Nagpur.

He chose Nagpur.

Because he was like, "If I go to Mumbai,

I'll get lost in the crowd, Sumukhi?"

I'm like, "Pappa, whose finding you in Nagpur. Pappa?

It's been so many years. Nobody is finding him in Nagpur.

My dad is too cute guys.

I know my show is called 'Don't tell Amma'.

But my dad is... uh, he is a cutie pie."

He's that guy who is so happy, you want to slap him.

You're just like, "You know, you are so positive,

one punch if I give you,

you'll be fine or what?"

He is so positive.

I'll give you guys an example, okay.

My dad married my mom and then..

No, no, no, I mean okay, fine.

My dad married my mom, and then my mom got preggers cause fate, huh!

And then he got so excited, he was like,

"She's preggers, preggers, preggers."

And then my mom was about to deliver the baby.

He was like delivery, delivery, delivery.

And then my mom delivered the baby.

And it was a baby boy.

And my father's like, "Oh my God!"

"It's a baby boy."

My mom's like, "Yeah, it's a baby boy."

"But I want a baby girl."

Then she's like, "I'm not a vending machine."

I give what you gave.

He's like, "But.. but I wanted a baby girl."

"I don't want a baby boy."

He's like, "One more chance,

please one more chance, give one more chance,

just one small chance, one more chance, one more chance."

Mom's like, "Yeah that's fine.

For that I'll be vending machine. No problem."

Then my mom got preggers again.

She delivered baby again.

It was a baby boy again.

My mother delivered. My father is having post-partum depression.

He got so upset dude. He just went so agro on my mom.

He's like, "Until we get a baby girl,

we will keep giving birth to babies."

He's the exact opposite of Bihar.

Then my mom got preggers again.

But this time they went to the doctor

and this is where I need to be with my dad, okay.

They went to the doctor and the gynaecologist said that,

"Listen, uh.. the baby doesn't look healthy,

so we need to.."

Yeah!

And my mom is like, "Oh my god!"

"Yeah, but it must be."

She was like, "Oh ho ho..."

And my fathers like, "What is it dumb charades? Four words?"

"Hindi English. English Hindi. "

"Kaho na pyaar hai"

My mom is like, "No no, the baby's not healthy, so we need to.."

"You know when a dreams shatters in a heartbeat, come on! "

She said, "We need to, we need to get rid of the baby."

And my father was so upset.

He looked at the doctor and said, "How can you say that?"

"First you tell me what's the gender of the baby."

She's like, "It's a baby boy."

"Then okay."

My mom is like, "How can you do that, it is a baby."

"Oh but baby's not healthy, no dear."

"It's okay, just one only. We'll have one more."

Then he slept for 45 days on the floor,

he starved for 45 days so that I was born dude.

What a royal waste of time.

So positive. So he.. I don't understand his USP only.