The 'Burbs

Ray, where are you going?

Come back to bed.

Watch it, you miserable little...

Queenie!

'Morning, Walter!

Good girl. Their lawn needed fertilizing anyway.

Good morning, Lieutenant. Mrs. Rumsfield.

Hi, Ricky.

Oh, Mr. Rumsfield, be careful, Queenie...!

Goddam it...

Walter... Walter!

- Walter! - I love that dude.

- Walter! Walter! - Mark!

What are you doing up?

Walter's dog just took a dump on Rumsfield's lawn again.

Good, honey.

- I know you're in there, old man! - Honey, honey, the neighbors.

Listen up, mister!

That piece of scum, barking rat of yours has just taken his last dump on my lawn!

I find one more... just one... I'm gonna catch him and staple his ass shut!

- I'm gonna do it right now. - No, no, no! Honey, don't.

Come on. Let's go home.

Hey, honey, I think we should move.

We got an arms dealer across the street and a crazy person down it.

All they ever do is fight. Is this sweet enough?

Now there's new next-door neighbors... What is their name again? The Klopeks?

- Is that a Slavic name? - I don't know.

They've been here a month. Think they're gonna do something about their yard?

Are you gonna eat any of this?

Oh, no. I got that thing with my stomach again.

I wonder what was going on over there last night.

- I knew this was gonna happen. - What?

- Nothing. - What, Carol? What did you know is going to happen?

It's started already. Look at you.

You're gonna sit around all week doing nothing...

...get bored out of your mind and go back to work in worse shape than you are now.

No, I'm not.

Please, let's pack up the car and go to the lake. Just get away and rest.

You should see yourself.

You were up at the crack of dawn watching a dog poop.

You call going up to the lake resting?

It is four hours of driving on the tollway in holiday traffic...

...to sit in some dank, wet cabin and wait for that neighbor with the enormous head...

...to get drunk and fall down. - He's a hydrocephalic.

- I don't think that you should make fun... - Honey, that's not my idea of restful.

This is restful: Hanging around the house, just being lazy.

That's what I want to do. I just wanna... hang around.

Be lazy, listen to the ball game and drink a couple hundred beers...

...and maybe smoke an occasional cigar... outside.

I'll fix the barbecue in the backyard. I'll do that.

This is what I need, Carol. I need... this.

You'll see, at the end of the week, I'll be a brand new human being.

It's your vacation.

Quiet!

Art's got a gun!

Art!

Hey, hi, Ray. Hey, are you guys eatin' in there?

You know how Suzette is about her bird feeder.

These crows start showing up out of nowhere.

She's all over my back to get rid of 'em.

"Oh, the crows are too big for the bird feeder," she says.

I don't remember seeing crows around here before.

Big bastards, too. That's why I got the gun. I'm gonna pop a few.

Why didn't you go with Suzette to her mother's house?

Hey, I'm eating here. Can you imagine me and the two of them alone for a week?

I'd rather chew broken glass.

Uh-uh, this is gonna be a big week for the bachelor kid.

Vince.

How come you're not at work, Ray?

- I took the week off. - A week off?

That's great. Are you guys going to the lake or something?

- No, the backyard. - Backyard?

I just want to hang around the house and relax.

Relax? Good luck with those maniacs you got living next door.

- Have you met the Klopeks yet? - No.

No, I haven't. Nobody on the block has.

But I did talk to the real estate broad that sold them the place.

Apparently, their last house... it only burnt to the ground.

- Really? - Yep.

A hideous, raging inferno.

Neighbors from hell.

Maybe.

Whatever it is, I'm sure glad I'm not the one who lives right next door.

Come on, let's face it, these Klopeks are strange.

I've been watching that house ever since they moved in.

No one goes in. No one comes out.

No visitors. No deliveries.

What do you think they're eatin' over there, Ray?

Well, maybe these people just want to keep to themselves, Art.

Remember when the Knapps lived next door?

How many conversations did you have with the Knapps? I had two.

- Oh, come on. - They didn't even say goodbye when they moved.

Oh, please. Don't even compare the two.

I mean, come on. At least, if they weren't conversational...

...the Knapps were semi-normal. They worked in their yard.

They mowed their lawn. They had a lawn to mow.

These Klopeks... We don't even know how many of them there are.

There are three of them.

They only come out at night.

- Ricky Butler says they're nocturnal feeders. - Oh, Ricky Butler says.

Last week when I was up on the roof with my telescope...

...I saw them in their backyard.

- What were they doing, honey? - Digging.

- Kind of like grave diggers? - Maybe.

All right, that's enough of this conversation.

I want you to stop spying on the Klopeks with Ricky Butler.

And I'd like you to stop filling his head with such half-cocked theories.

- Where you goin'? - I'm gonna change into my vacation togs.

Are you done with your eggs?

Okay, honey, I'm gonna mix the zinnias in with the rest of the flowers.

- The man at the nursery said... - Boy, that really burns my ass.

- What? - That old fart.

He's got the best lawn on the block.

And you know why?

Because he trains his dog to crap in my yard.

Hey, Mrs. Rumsfield.

No tan lines this morning.

Looks nice.

That kid next door is a meatball.

Peterson.

He came out in his robe last night when the foreigners were making all that racket.

He didn't do one thing.

So, what are you gonna do first?

I don't know.

- Hey, did I show you my new tools? - No.

These are great.

Carol's father gave them to me for Christmas.

Look.

- Oh, those are beauties. - Yeah.

- You gonna build something with those? - I think so.

Probably.

- Hey, what time does the ball game go on? - I think it's at about 1:00.

You want to go down to the deli and get one of those beef sandwiches?

No. I'm thinking of getting one of those electric garage door openers...

...and installing it.

Ray. Ray!

Ray, come here!

What is it?

It's my neighbor.

Hey, one of the Huns came out of the cave.

Why don't you go say hi?

- Well, yeah, I guess I could. - You know, this would be the perfect time...

...because if you go talk to him, we could see what he's like. Go.

You could go say hi to him too, you know?

- Yeah, but he's your neighbor. - Well, he's your neighbor as well.

But I'm over. You share a property line with him.

We're all on the same block, so you could go too.

We're all in the same town too, but you're right next to him.

If he was ever gonna borrow anything, he'd come over to your place.

- Well, he's busy now. - He's not busy.

Now look, he's goin' in. Go now because if...

He's going back in. If you were gonna say hi...

...you should probably... There, he's going into the house.

You're gonna lose him because he's gonna go in...

- Well, now you've blown it, haven't you? - No, I didn't blow it.

- Chicken. Chicken. - He went into his house.

I'm not a chicken because he went into his house.

You know, you look like a chicken in front of your son and everything. Your son.

Come on, come on.

- If it's suddenly a big deal, let's just go say hello. - Hey, hey, it's a joke!

- Let's say hello. - Why so edgy?

- Come on, come on. - Try decaf.

They're daring each other to ring the doorbell.

We shouldn't stare like this.

If it's such a big deal, why don't we both go say hello, or are you chicken?

Go for it, Mr. Peterson! Yes!

Now everybody's watching us.

- Good going, man! - Yeah, okay, yeah.

Yeah, I'll go in with you. Sure. Right. No problem.

Let's go.

I don't know if you noticed, but there's bars on the basement windows.

- They got holes in their porch too. - That was a booby trap.

- You okay? "Booby trap"... - Yeah.

- I'm not gonna pay for that. - We shouldn't pay for that, we should sue them.

Well, um, let's... Let's say hello.

Hey...

Get the hose. Hang on, men!

Run to me! Run to water!

This way! Over here! Run to water!

Run to me! Come on!

Come on! Come on!

I think they're gone, Mark. I think they're gone!

- You men hit? - I cannot believe you did that.

- I cannot believe it! That was great. - Neither can I.

The same thing happened to me last week. I was over there.

It wasn't bees, though. It was a foaming squirrel.

In Southeast Asia, we'd call this type of thing "bad karma."

Honey, bee stings don't heal if you keep playing with them.

If we had gone to the lake, I'd have twice as many of these by now.

- It isn't like anything you said is coming true. - Where are you going?

I can't walk away without you asking where I'm going?

I'm going to Paris, France, okay? I'm going to Banff, Canada, all right?

- That's where I'm going. - Are you taking the dog?

Yeah, yeah. I'm taking the dog for a walk.

No, wait, wait, wait.

Hey, Vince, let's go over here, huh? Let's not go that way tonight.

Here. Here's a nice yard. It's a good yard.

Hey, you with the dog!

Hey, keep that mutt off my lawn, will ya?

All right. Have a field day.