Cougar Town

"You Wreck Me"

Oh. Check out these poseurs.

"Dude, how much do you love my Greco-

"and super-groomed sideburns? I call them my douche-burns."

"Did you see my giant leather man-bracelet?

"I got it because my vest with no shirt

"just needed a little somethin'. And let's high-five.

Yeah! We did it!"

Okay, it's 6:00. I'm heading home.

No, wait. You can't quit. I said the last mean thing.

You always do this! That's why I don't play Ugly Baby with you anymore.

Now I'm just gonna spiral all day because I'm a horrible person.

Well, that's your insane cross to bear. Come on. Let's go.

Oh, so much work to do at home.

Oh, we have an early showing tomorrow, so pick me up at 8:00,

not 8-ish, not 8djacent.

And calling me at 8:00 from 20 minutes away

saying, "Come out. I'm here" also doesn't count.

You have a lot of rules.

Hi. I'm really, really sorry.

I'm not comfortable telling you why, but I just need to put it out there, okay?

And that's a great bracelet, by the way. Bye.

Don't look at me. That was your fault.

I know you like moving those hips, Sheila, so put that torque in your swing, okay?

See you next week.

Since you're sleeping with her, does she pay you more?

- No. - Oh, don't get down.

- She probably bought you lunch or something, right? - Got me a large root beer, baby.

Well, there you go. Where's Travis?

He's in the clubhouse with the boys: Shepp, Donnie, Bitch-Slap Harris.

T-Man, your ride's here.

Hey, Mom, look. Look what Donnie drew. He's a tattoo artist.

He mostly draws snakes doing horrible things to naked chicks.

- Although, this-- this looks consensual. - She doesn't look happy, Travis.

Good to see you, Donnie, Shepp, Carl.

Jules, you know you can call me Bitch-Slap.

I'm choosing not to.

Travis, I just wanna talk to your dad for a second.

Oh, man.

Uh-oh, she's got the fake smile face.

What fake smile? This isn't a fake smile. I'm just happy.

All right, Cobb, here's the deal.

I know. You think the fellas are a bad influence on Travis.

But it turns out, he's a good influence on them.

Normally, they're drunk by now.

Bobby, what are you doing wasting your time in there?

You were a pro golfer... sort of.

Your lessons are starting to pick up.

Free root beers are rolling in.

If you just worked hard, you could go from being the guy

that works part-time at a public course

to the head pro at the country club.

This is my kingdom, J-Bird.

- I mean, look at this plaque over here. - Oh, God, not the plaque.

- Can we just once not talk about the plaque? - They put this up when I shot the course record.

And we're off.

Robert "Bobby" Cobb. People see this, Jules, and they respect it.

- Hey, champ! - Excuse me.

What can I do you for, bud?

Good boy, champ. Good boy, champ. Such a good champ.

It sucks you're so tired. Why do you work so hard?

- I really wanna see you tonight. - Me, too.

So... what are you wearing?

I'm in bed, Josh, so the usual.

I've got on a tiny pink see-through nightie.

I'm wearing mahing underwear with tiny bows on the side.

One tug makes them fall... right... off.

I could be there in five minutes.

Oh, sweetie, I'm just too tired.

I'm sorry. Good night.

What happened with the boy toy last night?

Oh, I knew I had to work early so I blew him off,

which was so dumb, because I stayed up till 1:00

watching this infomercial about this cream

that makes your breasts firmer. Don't worry. I got one, too.

Thanks, but I got up early 'cause I thought

- I was gonna get a sex story. - No.

No more blowing off fun stuff for work. That's insane.

Oh, and I swear, if you don't stop with the hazelnut,

- I'm gonna start making my own coffee. - No, you won't.

- You're right. I won't. Even saying it was too much work. - 8:00. Where is Laurie?

Well, if I'm guessing, she's passed out under some loser

who's naked except for his hat on backwards.

Charming. Hey, Laurie, it's 8:00. Where are you?

I'm pulling up. Come outside.

Okay, I'm outside. You're not here.

I am. You just can't see me.

Give me two minutes.

Hey, paper bud, do you golf?

Oh, good. We're playing the obvious question game.

I'm great at this. Do you ever wear white dresses?

Seriously, do you golf with other guys?

Do you ever carry folders right here?

Hi.

You know, don't say "hi" to me. I'm mad at you.

Look, I think it would be good for my ex-husband to make some new friends,

and I think it would be good for you to, well, have a friend.

No, no, no radio.

I don't care what you do, Laurie! You're being punished!

Anyway, you and Bobby should play golf.

Oh, well, I'm currently not looking to get set up on a playdate.

All right, normally, I'd listen to your blah-blah,

but right now I have to go show a use. So here's the deal.

Bobby's a good guy. You can either play golf with him now

or you can play with him three weeks from now after I've spent all this time

coming over here just grinding you down and by talking and talking and talking.

And you wonder if I'll ever need to take a breath, but I won't,

'cause I was a swimmer in high school and I'll just talk and talk...

Fine.

- Thank God. I thought I was gonna pass out. - Now you're making us late.

- Are you driving in your panties? - I was air-drying my skirt, and it got away frome.

You made me rush.

Oh dear Lord!

- Yes! I got it! I got it! - That was awesome!

You don't get to celebrate. I'm still mad.

- All right, I'm over it. - Did you see that?

Of course, Laurie was late again. She's a slaggy, dumb-ass townie.

You are a very angry person.

- You chose to be here. - Stop it.

I wanted to see the outfit I got her for her first open house.

Oh, my God. You look amazing. Really, I am so proud of you.

Stop. Don't make me cry.

So dummy screws up again and she gets rewarded?

Ellie, I've been so busy working,

I'm too tired to even see Josh.

So Laurie's gonna take over some of my workload.

You were the one who said make more time for fun.

Aw, thanks for my promotion, Ellie. So sweet of you.

All right, do me a favor. Give us a jump.

Okay. Clearly, the bra's not working.

You're selling real estate. You want a little jiggle for the husband, sure,

but you don't want too much for the wife.

I could duct-tape these bad boys, and there'd still be too much jiggle.

Stupid hazelnut.

Oh, there you go. Here, problem solved.

- You're mean. - I'll get over it.

Okay, here's the kind of bra you're looking for.

See? Pow! Check out the support.

- Oh, hey, Trav. - Shirt down, then "hey, Trav."

Sorry. Hey, Trav.

Too late. Scarred for life.

Oh, calm down. These used to feed you.

Okay, I'm gonna go change.

I feel creepy with my knees covered.

What are you doing? She's the world's worst assistant.

No, she's not. She just needs someone to believe in her.

She's probably bored answering phones.

She's like those kids in school that--

that get F's because they're just not challenged.

Sometimes kids get F's because they're stupid.

- Stop doing that. - Stop talking.

- What-- - No, nope.

There he is-- Grayson, the son of Gray.

Mind if I call you "G-Man"?

I do, very much.

Brr. No, I get it. We hardly know each other,

but that's the beautiful thing about golf, G-Man.

You can swing sticks with just about anybody.

I once golfed with this dude who got out of the hospital

with a fractured skull, and he had one of those

giant metal halo-looking things screwed to his head.

I kid you not. That thing must have weighed 40 pounds.

He collapsed on the third green. Hot day. Very hot day.

So you and Jules both like to chat.

Boo-yah! Hat thing's not coming down for a while if you wanna go catch a movie or somethin'

sweet shot, stud. I'll go spot it!

What the hell was that?

Oh, Andy don't golf. He just comes out here to cheer me on

and, um, beverage me and whatnot.

Just keeps getting better.

Now staging an open house is all about making it feel comfortable.

Little tip: You can never have too many bowls of wooden fit.

- Why does that work? - Nobody knows. It just does.

Okay, I'm gonna put this bowl right here.

Jules, go! Have fun with Josh. I can do this.

Of course you can. Now bye, sweetie.

- Not there! - Go!

You look just as amazing as I've imagined...

every single night.

Oh, God. That was so sexy, I made a weird noise.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

What's with the grandma hand-pat?

I'm just not big on PDA.

I feel like you're embarrassed by me or something.

No! Josh, this is my crazy.

What can I do to make it better?

Kiss me, right here in front of God and everyone.

I'm not gonna kiss in front of God.

- What do you think? - Give me a sec.

- What do I think? - You think you're a grown woman,

and you can kiss whoever you wanna kiss.

I'll tell you what you think, Jules.

Tongue that boy down. He's hot!

- That is another very valid point. - Nezzie, get off the sofa.

- You're getting body glitter on the pillows. - Ignoring that. How's it coming?

I think I'm done.

You know what I do when I think I'm done?

- Leave? - No.

I sit there for another hour and I just soak up the vibe.

Sometimes you come up with a special touch that just takes it to the next level.