Tales from the Crypt

THERE YOU ARE, SPORTS FIENDS.

YOU KNOW, DEAD PEOPLE LIKE ME

MAKE EXCELLENT POINT GUARDS.

WHEN WE CAN'T GET OFF A SHOT,

WE SIMPLY PASS...

AWAY, THAT IS. HA HA HA HA!

SPEAKING OF WHICH,

ALLOW ME TO BE YOURFEAR-LEADER

FOR TONIGHT'S HALF-TIME SHOW.

IT'S A PUTRID PLAYLET

ABOUT MY PERSONAL FAVORITE SPORT--

BEING A MORTICIAN.

I FITTINGLY CALL IT FITTING PUNISHMENT.

I FITTINGLY CALL IT FITTING PUNISHMENT.

Woman: IT'S SO SAD. SHE WAS SO GOOD.

Man: COME ON UP HERE TO THE CURB THERE,

AND I'LL GET THE CAR AND BRING IT AROUND.

THANKS FOR THE RIDE, MAN.

Man: YO.

Man: YO.

Woman: OH, MR. THORNTONBERRY,

I DON'T KNOW HOW I CAN EVER THANK YOU.

SHE LOOKS SO BEAUTIFUL.

KNOWING I CAN BE OF HELP TO YOU

IN YOUR TIME OF NEED

IS THANKS ENOUGH FOR ME.

NOW, WHY DON'T Y'ALL HEAD ON TO THE CEMETERY?

YOUR SISTER WILL BE ALONG DIRECTLY.

GOD BLESS YOU, MR. THORNTONBERRY.

THANK YOU, MA'AM. THERE YOU ARE.

THERE YOU ARE, MA'AM. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

YOU'LL MAKE IT. THANKS VERY MUCH.

OH, MY DEAR. AN ANGEL FROM HEAVEN ITSELF.

OH, THE GODS HAVE DESCENDED UPON US

AND BROUGHT US SUCH LOVELINESS OF KIN.

AND BROUGHT US SUCH LOVELINESS OF KIN.

CLYDE...

STOP MESSING WITH THAT DAMN ORGAN,

AND GO PULL THE HEARSE AROUND BACK.

I'LL PREPARE THE CASKET.

YES, SIR, MR. THORNTONBERRY.

YES, SIR.

GET OUT OF HERE, BOY.

THE PARTY'S OVER.

PARTY?

THE VIEWING, YOU IDIOT.

THEY'VE ALL GONE ON TO THE FUNERAL.

ARE YOU BLIND?

I'M NOT HERE FOR NO FUNERAL.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER ME?

THANK THE MERCIFUL LORD, NO.

I'M BOBBY, YOUR NEPHEW?

YOUR SISTER RUBY'S KID.

OH, MY SISTER RUBY...

WELL, YOU CAN TELL THAT NO-GOOD SISTER--

SHE'S DEAD, UNCLE EZRA.

OH, REALLY?

OH, REALLY?

HOW?

WELL, SHE GOT IN A HEAD-ON COLLISION ON I-95.

KILLED MY DADDY, TOO.

HEAD-ON, HUH?

MESSY, I BET.

THAT'S GOOD FOR BUSINESS.

CHARGE A PRETTY PENNY

TO MAKE THEIR LOVED ONES LOOK PRESENTABLE.

HEH HEH.

WHAT YOU WANT HERE, BOY?

WHAT YOU WANT HERE, BOY?

WELL, YOU SEE, UNCLE EZRA,

YOU'RE MY ONLY LIVING KIN.

WELL, I--I CAME TO LIVE WITH YOU.

WELL, I--I CAME TO LIVE WITH YOU.

HERE IT IS, ALL LEGAL.

HERE IT IS, ALL LEGAL.

YOU MUST THINK I'M MADE OF MONEY.

LAST THING I NEED IS ANOTHER MOUTH TO FEED.

BUT, UNCLE EZRA, I WON'T BE A PROBLEM.

I PROMISE.

LOOK, I'LL WASH YOUR FLOOR.

I'LL CLEAN YOUR PIANO.

I'LL DO ANYTHING.

I'LL DO ANYTHING.

YEAH. YOU...

YOU DO LOOK STRONG.

THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING I CAN DO WITH YOU.

THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING I CAN DO WITH YOU.

GIVE YOU ROOM AND BOARD,

BUT DON'T EXPECT TO GET PAID.

THANKS, UNCLE EZRA. YOU WON'T BE SORRY.

WE'LL SEE.

NOW, LET ME TELL YOU

ABOUT THE MORTUARY BUSINESS, BOY.

LIKE IT SAYS IN THE BIBLE,

"GOD HELPS THE MOURNERS,

FOR THEY ARE BLESSED."

FOR THEY ARE BLESSED."

AND GOD ALSO HELPS THOSE...

AND GOD ALSO HELPS THOSE...

THAT HELP THEMSELVES.

YOU KEEP MESSING WITH THAT BALL,

I'LL BOUNCE YOUR BALLS RIGHT OUT OF HERE.

SORRY, UNCLE EZRA.

SORRY, UNCLE EZRA.

Ezra: YOU CAN SLEEP HERE.

HERE?

THAT'S RIGHT, BOY.

THAT'S RIGHT, BOY.

THANKS, UNCLE EZRA.

PUT SOME BEDDING ON IT, IT'LL BE FINE.

YOU KNOW, THE RIGHTEOUS NEED THE DIVINE LIGHT

TO SEE THE TRUTH.

TO SEE THE TRUTH.

BESIDES, ELECTRICITY COSTS MONEY.

LEAVE THE LIGHTS ALONE, BOY.

LEAVE THE LIGHTS ALONE, BOY.

Ezra: SHAKE A LEG, BOY.

Ezra: SHAKE A LEG, BOY.

THIS IS WHERE THE ACTION IS.

THIS IS WHERE THE ACTION IS.

YES, SIR.

HERE WE ARE.

HERE WE ARE.

WH-WHAT DID HE DIE OF?

NATURAL CAUSES.

YOU'LL KNOW WHAT I MEAN

IF YOU'RE EVER FOOL ENOUGH TO GET MARRIED.

NOW HAND ME ONE OF THOSE ASPIRATORS OVER THERE.

ONE OF THESE?

YEAH. YOU KNOW, THE HUMAN BODY

IS ONE BIG CESSPOOL.

FOOD FLOWS IN,

SHIT FLOWS OUT,

AND BLOOD FLOWS ALL AROUND.

AND IT'S GOT TO BE DRAINED.

AND IT'S GOT TO BE DRAINED.

Ezra: YES, SIR.

Bobby: OH...

Bobby: OH...

Bobby: OH!

UGH.

IT'S ONLY BLOOD.

GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE OF THESE.

GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE OF THESE.

THIS TUB OF LARD WILL START TO STINK

IN A COUPLE OF DAYS.

THAT'S WHY WE'VE GOT TO EMBALM HIM.

THAT'S WHY WE'VE GOT TO EMBALM HIM.

PASS ME THAT TUBE OVER THERE.

PASS ME THAT TUBE OVER THERE.

CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS.

HOLD THIS.

GET IN THERE.

Bobby: AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO USE CHEMICALS

OR SOMETHING?

HE'S DEAD, YOU DAMN FOOL.

HE DOESN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

BESIDES, THOSE CHEMICALS COST MONEY.

LIKE IT SAYS IN THE BIBLE,

"A PENNY SAVED IS A PENNY EARNED."

"A PENNY SAVED IS A PENNY EARNED."

UH, DIDN'T BEN FRANKLIN SAY THAT?

UH, DIDN'T BEN FRANKLIN SAY THAT?

DON'T YOU CONTRADICT ME, BOY!

UNH! UH!

HELLO, MR. FOO, MR. YUK.

HOW YOU DOING TODAY?

Ezra: COME ON OVER HERE, BOY.

Man: ALL RIGHT. LET'S GRAB IT FROM THE BACK.

ALL RIGHT.

PUSH! PUSH!

NOW ALL TOGETHER.

THE CHINESE ARE LATE.

OH, YES, SIR.

MR. FOO SAY THEY GOT STUCK IN TRAFFIC.

STUCK IN TRAFFIC! YEAH, STUCK IN TRAFFIC.

WE ONLY ORDER WHAT WE NEED.

LOW OVERHEAD.

AND I PASS ON THE SAVINGS TO ME.

AND I PASS ON THE SAVINGS TO ME.

STUCK IN TRAFFIC. HEH.