The Simpsons

Good evening.

I've been asked to tell you

that the following show is very scary

with stuff that might give your kids nightmares.

You see, there are some crybabies out there,

religious types mostly, who might be offended.

If you are one of them,

I advise you to turn off your set now.

Come on, I dare you.

Chicken.

Hey!

Homer, did you just call everyone chicken?

No. I swear on this bible.

That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.

Ooh, fuzzy.

Behold mighty Caesar.

In all his glory.

-(all laughing) -Hah-hah!

D'oh!

I am Calliope, the muse of heroic poetry.

No kidding?

Stupid party.

Wish we was trick-or-treating.

Now Bart, you can find just as much horror

around the house.

Now, you children may not know it,

but there was once an evil witch,

and she died a horrible death.

These are her eyes...

Eww!

And this is her hair...

Eww!

And these are her brains.

Eww.

Yo, Mom, we haven't got the eyeballs yet.

Homer, you're ruining it.

Yeah, well, it was an evil game.

Well, now we need another Halloween activity.

Hmm, does anyone know a ghost story?

I do, it's the story of a boy and his doll.

That's not so scary.

A doll from hell!

I'm gonna go to the store.

Happy birthday, Bart.

Thanks, Grampa.

Where did you get all the money?

The government. I didn't earn it.

I don't need it,

but if they miss one payment,

I'll raise hell.

Hey, Homer, where's your present?

D'oh! I mean, don't worry, son.

I forgot to get you a present,

but I swear on my father's grave...

-Hey! -I will get you one now.

-(door slams) -(tires screech)

Do you sell toys?

We sell forbidden objects from places

men fear to tread.

We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call frogurt.

Well, I need something for my son's birthday.

Perhaps this will please the gentleman.

Take this object.

But beware, it carries a terrible curse.

Oh, that's bad.

But it comes with a free frogurt.

-That's good. -The frogurt is also cursed.

-That's bad. -But you get your choice of topping.

-That's good. -The toppings contain

potassium benzoate.

-That's bad. -Can I go now?

Happy birthday, son.

Great Caesar's ghost!

A talking Krusty doll!

I'm Krusty the Clown,

and I love you very much.

Oh, Dad, this is the best birthday I've ever had.

That doll is evil, I tells you.

Evil. Evil!

Grampa, you said that about all the presents.

I just want attention.

And in environmental news, scientists have announced

that Springfield's air is now only dangerous

to children and the elderly.

Whoo-hoo!

I'm Krusty the Clown, and I don't like you.

I'm Krusty the Clown, and I'm going to kill you.

Didn't even pull the string that time.

I said I'm going to kill you.

You, Homer Simpson.

Oh, yeah? With what?

Hah!

Homer, what's wrong?

That doll tried to kill me.

I'd say that the pressure's finally gotten to Dad,

but what pressure?

Don't leave me alone with him.

There goes the last lingering thread

of my heterosexuality.

Hey, baby, get comfortable.

Relax.

It's a little hot for that cheerleader outfit,

don't you think?

You think your dirty socks can stop me?

Well, they are making me dizzy.

Ohh...

Good-bye, Dolly.

Arrivederci, Vito.

I was a fool to think anyone would want

nude photos of Whoopi Goldberg.

What the--

And that is that.

Guess who, fat boy!

Marge! Marge! Look!

Oh, my God!

The doll's trying to kill me,

and the toaster's been laughing at me.

Eww, dog water!

-(keypad beeping) -(line ringing)

Your doll is trying to kill my husband.

Yes, I'll hold.

Yep, here's your problem.

Someone set this thing to evil.

I love you, Homer.

Come here, you.

-Here you go, buddy. -Did you walk the dog?

Yeah, he buried me a couple of times.

Yeah, dogs like to bury old junk.

Yeah, you stupid idiot.

Oh, what a day.

Homer made me give him a sponge bath.

Eww!

But coming home to you makes it all worthwhile.

Uh-oh, here, let me get that for you.

So then his wife comes through the door.

-So? -Did I mention she was dead?

-No. -Well, she was.

And she hit him in the head

with a golf club.

-And? -Don't you remember,

he went golfing all the time, and it really bugged her.

-You said he went bowling. -D'oh!

Homer, I've coughed up scarier stuff than that.

Grampa, why don't you tell us a story.

You've led an interesting life.

That's a lie, and you know it!

But I have seen a lot of movies.

My name is Marge Bouvier.

I'm here about your ad.

"Single white female wanted for mysterious expedition.

"Must like monkeys.

Non-smoker preferred."

Well, you'd be a welcome change of pace

from the rest of these crude and uncouth sailors.

-Argh! -Argh!

-Argh! -Argh!

Argh!

What do you think, Smithers?

I think women and seamen don't mix.

We know what you think.

Young lady, you're hired.

Hey, I heard we're going to Ape Island.

Yeah, to capture a giant ape.

I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island.

Candy Apple Island?

What do they got there?

Apes-- but they're not so big.

Homer, Homer, Homer.

Hey, who's this Homer dude?

He's either a 50-foot prehistoric ape

or a tourist trap concocted by the Ape Island Jaycees.

Either way, we're going ashore.

-Am I going too? -Of course,

we wouldn't think of going without the bait...

uh, that is, the bait-thing beauty...

the bathing beauty.

I covered that up pretty well.

Homer, Homer, Homer,

Homer, Homer, Homer, Homer...

Just try to remain inconspicuous.

What's he saying?

He's saying, uh...

"We wouldn't dream

of sacrificing the blue-haired woman."

Oh, well, isn't that--

-Whoa! -Mm-hmm.