BFFs

So this prick

is telling me that I'm responsible

because my horse got his mare pregnant.

Like my stallion's some kind of rapist.

Meanwhile, I've been telling this lowlife that the fence between our yards

is too low for like ten months.

Danny owns property.

But this jerk off won't have it. Says it'll be an eyesore.

Well, now you got yourself a pregnant horse.

I mean horses are dumb animals.

You know, you gotta treat them like retarded children.

Cake time! Aha!

Oh dear god.

- They did a beautiful job. - Well, it's a job.

Why in the hell is there a picture of Javier Bardem on the cake?

Did she just call me Javier Bardem?

It's beautiful!

I'll cut it.

Javier?

Everyone.

Everyone.

Sit down dear, please.

I just want to wish Kat a very happy birthday.

I love you Kat...

so I'm just going to tell you what everyone here is thinking.

Here we go.

We all thought you'd be engaged by now.

I don't know what went wrong this time,

but let's hope we don't have to wait another six years

for a good one to come along again.

Honey. Honey...

You are my baby...

and you will always be my baby, and I love you with all my heart.

And to prove that, I have a little present here for you.

- No, Mom, I... - I know, I know.

She just hates to open gifts in front of people.

But I'm your mommy and you will do as I say.

Ok.

Closer to Closeness, A healing retreat for couples in trouble.

- What the... - Your father, that son-of-a-bitch,

walked out on me three times before I got him to marry me.

Sweetheart, please, do not quit on Ray.

All he needs is a little nudge.

Mom, I broke up with him.

Wow, Joan, that was a very thoughtful gift.

Well honey, I would be very happy to buy one for you

when you manage to stay in a relationship long enough for it to matter.

Okay, I hate to be a party pooper, but...

I will open my gifts at home, because...

Because we have to meet some friends at a tequila bar.

That's right, and, wow.

You guys are amazing, and I can't thank you enough

for this amazing birthday dinner, and...

Hey! What bar are you going to?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Goodnight everyone!

- Goodbye Javi. - Don't worry, I've got 'em.

Javier.

Closer to Closeness, a healing retreat for couples...

...for couples. I know, it's ridiculous.

You do realize it's my birthday.

- Ooh, it's a massage. - I hate massages.

I'll take it.

Okay, it was my longest relationship, almost two years.

Well, a year and two months but who's counting?

But I knew it wasn't right.

I hate coasters.

Oh you know what, and just for the record...

I have had long term relationships too.

I know.

So, I don't really know what your mother was implying.

My mother doesn't imply. She clearly states.

I mean, that gift.

Wait a minute. So she meant what she said about me?

Yeah.

What the fuck?

I mean, anybody who knows me knows that even if I were still with Ray,

I wouldn't go to some bullshit, crunchy granola, love fest.

God, I need a vacation.

You should go just to spite her.

- Hm. - Hm.

You have to be a couple.

So, pick a friend and go.

Okay, you wanna go?

Hmm, don't joke because I would do that.

Yeah you would, wouldn't you.

Wait, that's a really funny idea.

Oh no.

Just hear me out. Look at this place.

That's a nice pool.

It's a really nice pool.

Plus, listen to this: Couples will receive group therapy...

- Eww. - Massages...

I hate massages.

They will face adventure challenges...

Seriously?

And most importantly, couples will learn how to stop loving small

learning to feast at the banquet table of love, as opposed to the kiddie table.

Oh it is so good.

I don't want to be at the kiddie table of love anymore.

No, you deserve to be at the big girl table.

We could use this. No, we deserve this.

Plus it's paid for, and it would make your mother happy.

I hate you.

Which is exactly why we're going to go on this journey

to get "closer to closeness."

Give me back my coasters.

No I'm not gonna give you back your coasters.

You're not going to need them at the banquet table of love.

I'm hungry.

Are we gonna do this?

What? Pretend to be a couple?

Oh you're so right. You're a terrible liar.

You would break within two hours.

That is so not true. I could totally do it.

I don't think so.

Let's flip for it.

Heads we do, tails we don't.

- Ok. - Ok.

- Here, you do the honors. - Ok.

- It's your birthday. - It's my birthday.

How are you not hung over?

I told you, seltzer water, a little dash...

Shut up.

This is so not a good idea.

Can you relax? It's gonna be a breeze.

I can't believe they had an opening for this weekend.

I know. I called the emergency hotline.

They had an emergency hotline?

Yeah.

And what did you tell them?

I told them that we're having some issues in our relationship

- that we had to work through. - What problems are we having?

Just roll with it.

You know, I can tell them how you create a situation where there's no intimacy,

and then use that as your excuse to leave.

What's that supposed to mean?

Sweetie. Come on.

Okay, um, I guess I can tell them how good you are at creating intimacy,

right before you sabotage the whole thing and it turns to shit.

Oh, That's rich coming from Miss "Oh, I'm so enlightened...

because I actually went a whole year in a relationship."

- You're an asshole. - And you're a raving bitch.

See? Piece of cake.

Oh, and if anyone asks, you're the top.

Why am I the top?

Really? Look at us. Who's gonna buy me as the top?

You serious?

Let's go! Chop, chop, lemon drop.

Spoken like a true top.

Oh this is nice.

Very nice.

I don't want to say I told you so, but...

Then don't.

- It's nice. - Yeah.

You must be Samantha and Katherine.

- And you must be Jacqueline. - Welcome.

Hi, I'm Samantha. This is Kat.

- Hi. - I'm so glad you came.

Me too.

Hello ladies!

This is Tom. He handles all our maintenance.

Hi, Samantha.

- Katherine. - Hi.

Here, let me take your bags for you.

No, no, no. She's got them.

No, no, no, really, it's no trouble at all.

I'll just throw them in your room for you?

Great.

It's room five, Tom. Thanks!

Katherine, I know how difficult this must be for you.

This work can be pretty challenging,

especially for someone with your issues.

But you should know that just you being here

means the world to Samantha.

Anything for Sam.

Come on, I'll show you around.

Come on, Kat.

So, this will be your room for the weekend,

and here are your workbooks

and your schedules.

Why don't you settle in, get comfortable...

we'll all meet for introductions in the great room in an hour.

Wow, there is a lot of stuff going on.

Katherine, if any of these exercises feel uncomfortable for you,

please just talk to Bob or myself.

We can organize an alternative.

- Okay. - Great.

I'll see you soon.

Yeah.

What did you tell her?

Nothing.

I just let her know what some of your issues are.

My issues?

Well, I had to let her know why we were coming here.

So we're here because of my issues?

No, I have issues too.

What did you tell her my issues were?

Hey! You said you wanted to be able to just hang out by the pool,

so I let her know that some of this stuff might be hard for you.