Malcolm in the Middle

Mom, Reese is poking me! - That's it, you two.

Either side of the couch, now!

He's still poking me! - Reese, go to your room!

I don't want you within 30 feet of him!

Come on, Hal, we're going to be late.

Fine, but I don't see what the big deal is.

So what if he stopped drinking for a year?

I thought that's what you're supposed to do in AA.

Francis' one-year anniversary of sobriety

is very important to him.

Sounds to me like it was just dreamed up

by the greeting card companies.

What is wrong with you?

Francis has joined AA, and is turning his life around.

These are the people who helped him do that

and he wants us to meet them.

Where were they when he needed to learn to ride a bicycle?

Or when he lost his first tooth?

We did all the heavy lifting

and now these guys get all the glory.

I can't believe you're jealous of these people.

Well, what does he need us for?

He's got them now. We're useless.

We're like his appendix.

Now, he's just gonna open up his stomach, remove us

and put us in a jar up on a shelf, right there in the living room

or the den, or a mantelpiece, if he's got one.

I'm gonna go wait in the car.

Where's Jamie?

There he is. He's been dying to go to that sitter's all morning.

I swear that woman feeds him nothing but sugar all day long.

I'm coming!

Bye, Mom, say hi to Francis.

Oh, wait, wait, all right. You've got your food money.

You've got your emergency numbers.

We'll be home Sunday night around 9:00.

But before I forget.

This is the one thing left in this house that I care about.

I don't wanna spend the next two days worrying about.

How will they break it, where will they hide the pieces

"how will they lie to me about it when I come home?" So..

There. Now I can relax.

I'm bored.

Mom and Dad are gone. You want to make some crank calls?

Nah. I guess I'm getting old. I'm really not inspired.

We could cherry bomb Ms. Waller's mailbox.

What's the point? She'd just chase me

have an asthma attack. The neighbors would call 911.

I'd get away with it because of her blackout.

We'd both just be going through the motions.

You're right.

Terrorizing the same old neighbors year after year

just doesn't feel satisfying anymore.

Maybe we're growing up.

Maybe we don't need to go out and create random havoc.

Hey, guys, I was digging around in the garage

and I found the spare key to Dad's car!

Do you know what this means? - We can key stuff!

No, we have mobility.

We can drive over to the next city. - And key stuff there!

And key stuff there, and cherry-bomb stuff there.

Reese, we have access to a car with no adult supervision.

We can do whatever we want, and if we get caught?

They'd blame Mom and Dad for being absentee parents.

This is the perfect crime.

I was thinking we could drive to the arcade.

"Arcade?" What are you, 12? - Yeah.

Dewey, get out of the way.

Malcolm and I have to plan some pain.

What about South High?

I think their band practice starts in two hours. - Perfect.

I still have some connections at the slaughterhouse.

One phone call, and I got a trunkful of pig's blood.

It's humble, but it's home.

Actually, they just walled off a bedroom

from the apartment next door

but anyway, it's home.

You know, Francis, your mother and I passed a motel on the way here..

Nonsense. I won't have my parents staying at some motel.

You can sleep here.

On the rug? - It's a futon.

Believe it or not, someone was actually gonna throw that away.

You know, my back.. - Hal, let him do this.

All righty, we'll stay.

Great! You know, I'm really glad

you guys came up here for my celebration.

Speaking of which..

Piama! - It's fine.

Really, Mom, I have a handle on it.

Besides we're not just celebrating my sobriety.

We're also celebrating my new job.

Francis, that's wonderful!

What is it? - A laser-etched crystal.

It's the perfect fusion of science and art.

Wow, the detail is amazing.

And you can see everything on this nude fairy.

That's me.

You can put whatever image you want in these crystals

but it all adds up to one thing.

Financial independence in 5-12 years.

We're starting our own business.

We already looked into the franchise

and locked down the location.

Now, all we have to do is work out the financing.

Don't worry, Mom, we don't need any money

we already got $10,000 from Piama's mom's lawsuit settlement.

The newspaper used her picture without her permission

for an article on mental defectives.

All we need from you is to co-sign the loan.

We hate to ask, but you're the only people.

Piama and I could turn to for this.

Did you hear that, honey? He's turning to us.

How much? - It's just a small business loan, $20,000.

$20,000?

And none of your drunk friends could help you out on this, huh?

Not at all. Oh, and don't worry, the bank already ran your credit.

It's horrible, but all that means is

they just crank up the interest rate.

In what world would you think we would sign that?

Honey, come here.

Let's hear the boy out. You heard him, he needs us.

Hal, I'm not going to sign anything.

We're in enough debt as it is.

Lois.. - I hate to do this, but can we talk about this later?

We really got to get to my AA party. - Of course!

I got to tell you, son

I am drunk as a skunk with pride right now.

Okay, we have 12 hours and eight gallons of gas.

This is our radius of destruction.

So much to do, so little time.

What about my old 4th grade teacher?

If we get Mr. Bradshaw

then we can't moon the girls' school.

No, the mooning is a definite.

For you to even suggest that

makes me really question your commitment.

If I give you Bradshaw, then I can't do donuts

on the lawn of my old basketball coach.

What about the arcade? - Not now, Dewey.

All right, I'll give you the donuts.

Great.

So, which way are we leaning on the whole cat show situation?

If you get me that coyote, then I'll get you to the cat show.

The arcade is on the way to the cat show. - Out!

Hey, are we still peeing in the mailbox on 5th

or aren't we? I've already drank three of these.

Do not embarrass me out there.

Come on, Reese, we are so close.

Do you really need five minutes to work over your old lab partner?

Yeah. Why do something if you're not gonna do it right?

All right, do you think you could work your boy

over in the backseat of the car? - What are you getting at?

After we push over those gravestones

we can pick up the lab partner.

By the time you're done with him, we're at the promenade

where we do our pedestrian-only drive through.

Then it's a straight shot down 45th Street

just in time for the old folks' health walk.

A quick streak, and, dude, we're done! - Yeah!

All right, we have to get going.

We need the car key.

Are we going to the arcade?

We already told you we don't have time for that, Dewey.

You know something?

I don't remember where I put it.

Stupid! How could you misplace it?

Wait a minute, he's lying.

Dewey, give us the key now! - Nope.

All right, Dewey, we can either do this the easy..

No fair.

That's just what I was going to do.

Crash!

Frankie, my man!

Little Miss P. - Hey, baby.

Crash, I'd like you to meet my dad. - Hello.

Stay strong, brother. - Okay.

And this is my mother.

She's real? - Excuse me?

It's.. I thought..

I don't know what I thought.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

What was that all about?

Give it up, Dewey!

No!

Tell us where the key is! - No!

Tell us where the key is! - No.

Give us the key. - No.

That was our last worm! It's no use, he's immune.

It's our own fault, we've been torturing him

since Mom brought him home from the hospital.

Remember, when he was a baby?

I could make him cry, just like that.

Now we're stuck with this.

We've all come a long way, but we still have a long way to go.

None of us could have gotten to where we are today

if it wasn't for everyone here.

But there is one man that I would especially like to thank.

Francis!

Francis, your honesty has really helped me through this.

I went through life feeling pretty sorry for myself