Seinfeld

The tuxedo is a woman's view that men are all the same.

We might as well dress them that way.

To me, a wedding is the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride...

...and some guy.

The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women...

...because they know that men are undependable.

So in case the groom chickens out...

...everybody takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

That's why the wedding vow isn't, "Do you take Bill Simpson?"

It's, "Do you take this man?"

Leave a message. I'l cal you back. Thanks.

Jerry? Joe Davola.

I have a hair on my tongue.

Can't get it off.

You know how much I hate that?

Of course you do. You put it there.

I know what you said about me, Seinfeld.

I know you bad-mouthed me to the execs at NBC.

Put the kibosh on my deal.

Now I'm gonna put the kibosh on you.

You know I've kiboshed before.

And I wil kibosh again.

- So, what do you think? - About what?

- About the opera. - I don't wanna go.

- You gotta go. - I don't like the opera.

What are they singing for? Who sings?

You got something to say, say it.

You don't understand. That's the way they talk in Italy.

They sing to one another.

All right. All right.

That's the way they was. You listen to the language.

It's got that sing-songy quality to it.

It's the language, Jerry. The language.

- So why don't they talk like that now? - It's too hard to keep up.

You know, they got- They were tired.

- Better get that. - Yeah.

- It's me. - Come on up.

- So? - I don't know.

Come on. It's opening night. Black-tie, Pagliacci. The great clown.

The great, sad, tragic clown, like you.

Well, that's very flattering.

How'd you get tickets? They're impossible to get.

Well, I have many associates.

I don't know. Opera, it's not my kind of thing.

Then I'm gonna call the whole thing off.

Wait a minute. What about George, Susan and Elaine?

- Why do you need me? - You're the nucleus...

...the straw that stirs the drink. You're the "magliana."

I guess if I'm the magliana, I should go.

All right. All right.

- Hi. - Hey.

You got the tickets, right?

- No, I don't have them on me. - What? That's why I came over here.

My friend's got them. I'll pick them up tomorrow.

I was gonna surprise Joey with them. You got an extra one, right?

Oh, yeah!

So I finally get to meet your pal Joey.

- It's killing you, isn't it? - Yeah.

So Joey's a great lover of the opera.

Listen...

...I got news for you.

It's nice to be involved with somebody...

...who's interested in something other than Nick at Nite.

You know, he's got a grip on reality.

He's- He's happy. He's well-adjusted.

Looking forward to meeting him.

I gotta go.

Where? What's the rush?

To surprise Joey. I've never been to his place.

- I'm just gonna pop in. - Good, men love that.

Hey.

You got a message, buddy.

It could be from that blond.

Jerry? Joe Dav ola.

I have a hair on my tongue.

What am I gonna do? He's gonna put the kibosh on me.

- He's crazy, out of his mind! - Steady, steady! Now, calm yourself!

He's supposed to be on medication. He told me he was on medication.

- What happened to his medication? - Quiet! Now let me think.

I'm gonna call the cops. That's what I'm doing. The cops.

Why?! They're not gonna do anything!

They're the cops. They gotta do something.

He'll put the kibosh on me. Do you know what it is to be kiboshed?

- Kibosh. - It's a terrible mistake.

He thinks I ruined some deal at NBC. I don't know anything about it.

- Call and tell him that. - That- That's what I'll do.

I'll just call him and tell him. That's all I'll do. Right.

He's a human being. I'll talk to him. He'll understand, right?

Yeah.

Don't mention my name.

Oh, I got the machine.

- What's his message like? - Nice.

Hello, Joe. Listen, this is Jerry Seinfeld.

I think there's been a huge, colossal misunderstanding.

Big. Big.

If we could just talk, we could straighten this out...

...so cal me back. Bye.

Joey?

Joey?

Oh, God. It's you. You scared me.

Good. Fear's our most primal emotion.

You left your door open.

I know. I like to encourage intruders.

What is all this?

Do you like it?

My home is a shrine to you.

Where did you get all these pictures?

I took them myself with a telephoto lens.

Coming out of your office, your apartment.

Shopping.

Showering.

Showering?

I develop them myself in my darkroom.

Would you-? Would you like to see?

In the darkroom? Oh, no, thank you.

Not right now.

I'm a day person.

Are-? Are you all right?

Why?

Well, I don't know. You just don't...

- ... seem yourself. - Who am I?

- Who am I supposed to be? - That's a good question.

Good question. It's very existential.

Who are you? Who am I? Well...

What are you doing here?

Oh, nothing. I just stopped by to chat.

You know, shoot the breeze.

Were you able to get those Pagliacci opera tickets from your friend?

I'm really looking forward to it.

No, he couldn't get them. We're not going.

Really?

Oh, damn it. I just remembered I gotta go.

I left something on. The gas, the lights, the water in the tub.

Something is on somewhere, so I'm just gonna get the-

Do you know the story of Pagliacci, Nedda?

I'm Elaine.

He's a clown whose wife is unfaithful to him.

Do you think I'm a clown, Nedda?

Do I think you're a clown? No. Not if it's bad to be a clown.

If it's bad to be a clown, then you are definitely not a clown.

But if it's good to be a clown, then I would have to rethink the whole thing.

You've betrayed me with another, haven't you, Nedda?

Who is he? I want you to tell me who he is.

I want his name. Tell me his name.

Oh, like any man would ever look at me. Come on.

I'm gonna get out of here.

Pagliacci kills his wife.

See? Now that's terrible. That is- That's not a nice thing to do at all.

I would assume- I don't know how this Pagliacci thing turns out.

But I would assume that there was big, big trouble for that clown.

You're not leaving.

But, officer, he threatened me.

I don't understand. That's not right.

What if it was the president of the U.S.? I bet you'd investigate.

So, what's the difference? I'm a comedian of the United States.

And I'll tell you, I'm under just as much pressure.

All right. Thanks anyway. Okay, bye.

- Who is it? - It's George.

- You're locking the door now? - Yeah.

Well, well. Look at you.

It's a little skimpy there, isn't it?

You know the last time I wore this thing?

Six years ago.

When I made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding.

Oh, that was a bad toast.

It wasn't that bad.

I never heard anybody curse in a toast.

I was trying to loosen them up a little bit.

There were old people there.

All the relatives. You were like a Redd Foxx record.

At the end of the toast, nobody even drank.

They were just standing. They were just frozen. People-

That might have been one of the worst all-time toasts.

Still, her father didn't have to throw me out like that.

He could've asked me to leave. He had me in a headlock.

Susan's not going tonight.

What do you mean, not going? Why not?

She had to pick up a friend at the airport.

It cost me $100, this ticket.

- Why didn't she pay for hers? - That's a very good question.

She and I go to dinner, she doesn't even reach for the check.

All I'm asking for is a reach. Is that so much to ask for?

It's nice to get a reach.

- Who is it? - It's me!

Why are you locking the door now?

Because of Davola. Get in here.

What the-?

- How come you're not dressed? - I am dressed.

- You're going like this? - Yeah. I want you to hear something.

- You said people dress up for opera. - Well, people do. I don't.

If you're going like that, I'm not going like this.

Wait a minute! Do you think I'm comfortable here?

I can't change. I got no clothes here.

You gotta go like that. I can't go like this alone.

Why should I be uncomfortable because my apartment is closer?

That's not the issue. We're friends.

If I gotta be uncomfortable, you gotta too.

All right. I'll wear this. It's bad enough I gotta go to the opera...

...I gotta sit next to Ozzie Nelson over here.

Would you turn that down? What is that crap?