Tales from the Crypt

GOOD EVENING, FEAR FANS.

YOU'RE JUST IN TIME.

ONE VENTRILOQUIST'S DUMMY.

HACME NOVELTY COMPANY, BATTLE SHRIEK, MICHIGAN.

OH, GOODY!

WATCH THIS, KIDDIES.

YOU WON'T SEE MY LIPS MOVE.

YOU KNOW WHY?

I DON'T HAVE ANY!

WELL, HELLO, DICKY.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO TELL A TALE FROM THE CRYPT?

NO, THANKS, DEATH BREATH.

THEN HOW ABOUT SITTING A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE FIRE?

THAT'S BETTER.

NOW I CAN DOLE OUT A DISEASED LITTLE DITTY

ABOUT THE SCHIZOFRANTIC NATURE OF SHOW BIZ

AND HOW TO HACK YOUR WAY TO THE TOP.

SO GRAB HOLD OF YOUR GUTS, KIDDIES,

'CAUSE TONIGHT YOU GET TO RUB ELBOWS

WITH THE VENTRILOQUIST'S DUMMY.

WITH THE VENTRILOQUIST'S DUMMY.

SO YOU'RE GOING TO AFRICA ON SAFARI, HUH?

ARE YOU CRAZY? THAT'S VERY DANGEROUS.

YOU COULD RUN ACROSS A VERY ANGRY LION.

I'LL HAVE MY GUN WITH ME.

DOES IT SHOOT LIONS?

NO, STUPID. IT SHOOTS BULLETS.

LIONS ARE TOO BIG TO LOAD.

HOW ABOUT A NICE POP IN THE MOUTH?

WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

LISTEN, MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO SKIP GOING TO AFRICA.

STAY HOME AND GO HUNTING HERE--

DUCKS, GEESE.

BUT I CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DUCKS AND GEESE.

IT'S VERY EASY.

DUCKS GO "QUACK QUACK." UNDERSTAND?

AND GEESE GO "HONK HONK."

IF A PACK OF BIRDS FLY OVER

AND THEY GO "HONK HONK," WHAT DO YOU DO?

PULL OVER AND LET THEM PASS.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU APPLAUDING ABOUT?

WHAT ARE YOU? SEALS?

THAT'S ONE OF MY BIG ONES.

AND THE FAT GUY BETTER LAUGH.

I SEE YOU, THE FAT GUY, AND I'M GONNA PUT STRIPES ON YOUR FACE

AND ROLL YOU DOWN THE BEACH FOR A HALF HOUR.

VERY SERIOUSLY, I'M LOOKING AROUND,

AND I SEE THE FOOD SITTING ON THE TABLES.

THERE'S FLIES STARTING TO DIE RIGHT IN--RIGHT ON THE PLATES.

HOW'S THE FOOD IN THIS PLACE, HUH?

DON'T ASK. TERRIBLE! LOUSY!

I BROUGHT MY GIRL HERE FOR DINNER LAST NIGHT,

AND SHE FOUND A BUG IN HER SOUP.

OH, THAT'S TERRIBLE. WHAT HAPPENED?

SHE YELLED, "WAITER, REMOVE THIS INSECT AT ONCE."

AND?

THE GUY THREW ME OUT.

THAT WAS A GOOD ONE, HUH, LADY?

THE OLD BROAD CAME ALIVE.

WE'VE BEEN UP HERE A HALF-HOUR,

AND THE OLD BROAD FINALLY WENT,

"THAT WAS A GOOD ONE, LOU!"

STOP COUGHING WHEN I'M DELIVERING FUNNY LINES.

PUT YOURSELF IN A HOSPITAL

AND JUST LAY THERE WITH THE COVERS OPEN

AND LET THE NURSE STARE AT YOU.

LOOK, IF YOU'RE HUNGRY, JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING.

I HEAR THE TONGUE SANDWICH IS PRETTY GOOD.

WELL, I'LL BE VERY HONEST WITH YOU.

I NEVER EAT ANYTHING

THAT COMES FROM AN ANIMAL'S MOUTH.

WELL, THEN, HOW ABOUT SOME EGGS?

OOH!

OH, A WISE GUY, HUH, MORTY?

YOU'RE STEAMING ME.

REALLY GETTIN' TO ME.

HA HA HA!

Morty: HOLD ON TO THIS AUTOGRAPH, KID.

IT WILL BE WORTH A BUNDLE SOME DAY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP, BILLY?

A VENTRILOQUIST, JUST LIKE YOU.

Woman: NONSENSE. HE WANTS TO BE A DOCTOR. DON'T YOU, BILLY?

HEY, BILL.

ANYTIME YOU NEED ANY ADVICE OR A FEW TIPS,

FEEL FREE TO LOOK ME UP, OK, KID?

GOLLY, MR. INGELS, THANKS.

LOOK, MOM.

IT'S LOVELY. LET'S GO.

IT'S LOVELY. LET'S GO.

WE STILL GOT OUR DATE, DON'T WE?

I KNOW THIS GREAT LITTLE AFTER-HOURS JOINT.

I'M NOT FEELING VERY WELL.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE NOT FEELING VERY WELL?

DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, BABY.

HE'S NEVER FELT BETTER. LET'S GO.

AND WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE ME TO?

HOW ABOUT OUR BUNGALOW, TOOTS?

WE'LL SHOW YOU OUR ETCHINGS.

YOU ARE SO CUTE.

AND YOU--

YOU'RE NOT SO BAD YOURSELF.

YOU'RE NOT SO BAD YOURSELF.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

Woman: FIRE! HELP!

LIGHTS OUT NOW, BILLY!

OK, MOM. LIGHTS OUT.

I SAID NOW!

I SAID NOW!

Woman: IS THERE ANYBODY IN THERE?

I DON'T KNOW YET.

I LOOKED AROUND THE BACK.

I COULDN'T SEE NOTHING.

HURRY UP! IT'S GOING UP LIKE A FURNACE.

ANYBODY IN THERE?

MOM, COME HERE QUICK!

MOM, COME HERE QUICK!

WE'RE HERE.

OOPS. COME ON, TIM.

OH, WOW.

WHERE ARE WE? IS THIS--

WHERE ARE WE? IS THIS--

136. MUST BE IT.

HI, MR. INGELS.

HELLO, SIR. YOU PROBABLY--NO.

HI, SIR. YOU PROBABLY DON'T REMEMBER ME.

MY NAME IS BILLY GOLDMAN.

I MET YOU A LONG TIME AGO.

I MET YOU A LONG TIME AGO.

Man: IT'S PRIVATE PROPERTY, JERK-OFF. GO AWAY!

MR. INGELS, SIR, YOU PROBABLY DON'T REMEMBER ME,

BUT MY NAME IS BILLY GOLDMAN--

PISS OFF! YOU WANT IT IN WRITING, HUH?

PISS OFF!

I HAVE BEEN DRIVING FOR 3 DAYS.

I AM NOT LEAVING UNTIL YOU TALK TO ME.

HI, MY NAME IS TIM.

HI THERE. CAN MORTY COME OUT AND PLAY?

OH, SHIT!

COME ON IN, YOU...

WELL, CLOSE THE DOOR, SCHMUCK. IT'S NOT A BARN.

WELL, CLOSE THE DOOR, SCHMUCK. IT'S NOT A BARN.

HEY, HEY.

IT AIN'T GOING TO BE THAT LONG.

HUH? WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND? MAKE YOUR POINT.

I'M BILLY GOLDMAN.

YOU SAID I COULD LOOK YOU UP.

OH, YEAH?

WELL, UMM...

IT WAS 15 YEARS AGO.

I WAS 11 YEARS OLD.

OH, HE'S GOT A MEMORY LIKE AN ELEPHANT.

HOW LUCKY CAN YOU GET?

I WAS THERE. I SAW YOUR LAST PERFORMANCE.

HOW WAS I?

YOU--WELL, YOU WERE GREAT.

YOU WERE UNBELIEVABLE.

GOOD ANSWER.

WHO WRITES YOUR MATERIAL?

WHO WRITES YOUR MATERIAL?

WOW!

IS THAT MORTY? CAN I--I WANNA--

NO! HEY! HEY! DON'T TOUCH THAT!

LEAVE IT ALONE, WILL YA?

HE'S RETIRED, LIKE ME.

WHAT IS IT WITH YOU?

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

SO MUCH HISTORY.

SO MANY MEMORIES.

"SHOWGIRL DIES IN TRAGIC RESORT FIRE.

FAMOUS VENTRILOQUIST INJURED."

FAMOUS VENTRILOQUIST INJURED."

SOME MEMORIES ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS.

I'M NOT EVEN SURE HOW THE FIRE STARTED.

I'M NOT EVEN SURE HOW THE FIRE STARTED.

ALL I KNOW IS...

I LOST EVERYTHING THAT NIGHT.

EVERYTHING.

COULDN'T YOU OPERATE MORTY WITH YOUR LEFT HAND?

LEFT? LEFT? LEFT?

THAT'S GOOD FOR OPENING DOORS

AND SWATTING FLIES.

THIS IS THE HAND THAT HAD THE MAGIC IN IT.

WHY DID YOU COME, HUH?

TO STIR UP OLD MEMORIES?

TO PRY INTO MY PAIN?

SPEAK UP, DAMN IT!

UM, TOMORROW IS AMATEUR NIGHT AT THE NAUTICAL CLUB.

I WANTED MY FIRST TIME IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE

TO BE ON THE VERY SAME STAGE THAT I SAW YOU PERFORM.

I WAS HOPING THAT MAYBE YOU COULD COME BY

AND GIVE ME YOUR CRITIQUE.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE SOME POINTERS.

I DON'T GO OUT MUCH.

YEAH, WELL...

THANKS. UM...

SORRY I WASTED YOUR TIME.

SORRY I WASTED YOUR TIME.

MR. INGELS, EVER SINCE I SAW YOU THAT NIGHT,

YOU'VE BEEN MY IDOL.