The Office

- Michael? - Yeah.

Contractions are coming every 10 minutes.

Just remember to keep breathing.

- My cervix is ripening. - OK, good.

Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor.

And Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon...

with Dwight.

Now, this baby will be related to Michael through...

delusion.

- Michael! My water's breaking! - OK! OK!

What do you do?

I get a call from Jan and meet her at the hospital.

Right. Highways or surface roads?

I take Quincy Ave to Gibson.

Gibson is covered in potholes. Car breaks down. Adapt!

I checked the route, no potholes...

It's about adapting to the circumstances.

- Andy, would you like to have my baby? - Yes!

No. OK, I'm crowning! I'm crowning!

All right. Sorry.

Here we go. Here we go!

- The pressure! The pressure! - Do it! Scream!

Scream it out, scream it out!

Babies are one of my many areas of expertise.

Growing up, I performed my own circumcision.

- Just keep pushing... I'm right here. - Hold me!

- Cradle my head! - I'm right here!

- I'm screaming, I'm screaming! - All right.

Just push and breathe.

Numb me up. I want anesthesia!

- You can't have it. It's too late. - I don't want natural!

- You have to just push it out! - OK!

Keep simulating.

Do you have the Sharpie?

- Do you have the Sharpie? - Yes, I do!

When the baby emerges,

mark it secretly in a kind of a mark that only you could recognize

- and no baby snatcher can ever copy. - OK.

- Ready? - Yes.

It's coming! Here we go!

God!

What was on that?

Butter. Newborns are slippery.

Nice touch. Good. Let's try that again.

It is going to be the happiest day of my life.

Subtitles: - Feygnasse Team -

Synch: So., Collioure

The Office 5x03 - Baby Shower -

Hello ladies, how's my shower going?

- Phyllis, did you get the live storks? - No.

Damn it, Phyllis!

I'm sorry.

Damn it, Phyllis!

It was hard enough to convince Jan to come.

So are we set for refreshments?

Per your instructions, we have the personalized M&M's with the baby names.

This is your boy bowl, with the name "Chevy."

That was me.

And this is the girl bowl, with M&M's with the name "Astird."

- That can't be right. - Michael wrote down "Astird."

She said it is the name of a Viking princess. So...

- Ass... turd. - I know.

I know. It is beautiful. No. Thank you.

Is this it? I mean, is this...

Two bowls of M&M's and some balloons?

You know what, I think you need to step it up.

I think you need to get the lead out. Because if I'm not mistaken,

we gave you your wedding shower here. We all came into this room and gave you,

a golden shower. Well you know what, where's my golden shower?

It does not matter to me at all,

whether this baby is biologically mine. I am going to love it.

It's like when the dog nurses the tiger cub.

Have you seen that video?

It is...

It's so...

bizarre and unnatural,

but...

it happens.

I'm collecting for the baby shower.

- But Phyllis, it's not his baby. - I know, Kevin.

Why do we have to pay money to get a gift

for his ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm bank baby?

Look at it as if you're paying for the cake, not the baby. Sheet cake.

I do enjoy being the head of the Party Planning Committee.

I'm no longer under Angela's heel,

and her little grape head is under mine.

What are you doing? Don't talk to them.

- Sorry. - Make the party.

Don't... Make the party, please.

Pump it!

- So you know Stacy, right? - The one from England.

There's no one from England. Katie studied in Ireland.

This is Stacy, the one who does the Maira Kalman-style collages.

- Right, that style. - So, Stacy and Eric

get to Bogre's DeTech half an hour early so they don't have to sit on the slab.

Anyway, Bogre's TA Sarah Kaya comes in.

Wait, who's Sarah Kayacombsen?

No, Sarah Kaya comes in.

Don't interrupt, I have like 30 sec to finish this and get to DigiPres.

So Sarah Kaya says to Eric, "No way. You can't reserve seats."

And Stacy gets all up in her face

and Sarah picks up Stacy's new PM pad and throws it at the light box.

- No... way! - Yes!

- That's hilarious? - No, it was horrible!

- Jim, she might get arrested. - Who, Stacy?

No, Stacy is a boy!

Frustrating. Why can't you just be in art class with me?

Wait, I gotta go, class starting.

OK, I'll ta...

I'll talk to you later.

That was a good story.

Who's Sarah Kayacombsen?

I got the Nard-puppy for ya.

What's going on here?

It's a baby game where you guess whose picture is whose.

Check it out. Who would have thought...

that this little baby would be marrying that little baby?

That's Phyllis.

Well...

It is. So I hope you two are very happy together.

Pervert.

- Why would that make me a pervert, - Well, it does.

- That's me. - That's not you.

- Yes it is. - That's mean, come on,

that's...

Ahoy, matey.

Ahoy!

- So, how you doing? - Good.

Listen. Jan Levinson is coming in today,

and she is in the...

terminal stages of her pregnancy.

The child of which I have a vested interest.

It's all kind of weird. Anyway, she is...

incredibly... fat and enormous right now...

extremely unattractive.

And you are, on the other hand,

one of the more attractive people in the office. So...

while she's here I am going to be acting kind of cold to you.

And I am doing this...

to...

pay respect to her bloated feelings.

- And I'm treating Ryan the same way. - Of course.

I do not like pregnant women in my workspace.

They're always complaining.

I have varicose veins, too.

I have swollen ankles, I'm constantly hungry.

You think my nipples don't get sore too?

You think I don't need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

- What do we have here? - This is my baby.

Really...

Jan had the baby and Michael wasn't there to mark it.

So the baby could be anybody's.

Except Michael's.

So this is Astird.

Astrid.

Why didn't you call me?

You know, labor just kind of started

- very suddenly and... - I could have helped.

Birth instructor thought it wasn't a good idea for you to be there.

That guy?

He had no sense of humor and I proved him wrong in so many ways.

You have no idea what I've been through.

- No, I don't! - So, let's...

I'm sorry, I thought today at the baby shower

would be a good time for the two of you to meet.

Can I hold her?

Yes, yes you can.

You know, I think, just leave her in the car seat.

I love babies.

I think they are beautiful

in all sorts of different ways.

I try to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because...

it nourishes me.

It feeds my soul.

Babies are drawn to me,

and I think it's because they see me as one of them.

But...

cooler.

And with my life put together a little bit.

If a baby were president,

there would be no taxes,

there would be no war.

There would be no...

government, and...

things could get terrible.

It actually, probably it would be a better...

screenplay idea than a serious suggestion.