South Park

"Eek, A Penis!"

It's like my whole life has just been one big screw up, you know?

I admit it, I was sexually lost.

And then I see this person on Oprah.

She's a woman, but then she got a sex change and became a man,

but then she got pregnant and is having a baby

which means she was still a woman all along.

That means I'm really still a man!

I still feel like a man.

Are we gonna get tested on this?

This sex change was a big mistake. Okay?

I was on a lot of pain killers at the time,

and I thought it was what I wanted.

Dude, you wanna do some math problems?

And then I go to the doctor, right?

And I say doctor, I want to go back to being a man and he says,

well, there's been too much damage, you can't go back.

Where are you going to find a penis?

What do you mean where am I gonna find a penis?!

I'm a man!

I deserve a God dammed penis!

Uh, mister -- mister Garrison!?

Could we speak with you, please?

What do you want? I'm trying to teach.

Uh, we think it's best you not teach

until you get your personal life in order, m'kay.

Oh, it's so easy for you, Mackey, you have a penis!

Okay, students,

uh, obviously we've had a little emergency with your teacher.

So, uh, while we deal with this

we need one of you to lead the class and review for tomorrow's quiz.

Oh! Me, me! Me! Me!

Right here! Right here!

Who else would like to be teacher for the day?

Anybody else?

Principal Victoria! Over here!

Any other volunteers perhaps?

Principal Victoria!

Alright, alright, fine. Eric, you lead the class.

Yes!

Now just lead a review over whatever Mr. Garrison's been teaching you

and I'll be back to check on your shortly.

Well, well, well...

Who's teacher now?

Yeah... who's teacher?

You're not the teacher, fat ass.

That's Mr. Cartman now, Kyle!

And you will be wise not to interrupt

my class unless you want to be suspended!

Yeah.

Mmm-yeahhh. You like that.

Alright, Clyde, you're first. Get up here.

Yeah, you're gonna take it, Clyde.

And so it appears that the local farmer's market

could be soon facing complete closure.

In other news tonight, a South Park bio company is coming under fire

for genetically engineering body parts

onto laboratory mice.

This picture of a mouse genetically altered to grow a human ear

has already sparked waves of protest.

What?

But the scientists say the process could help thousands of people

who have become disfigured and need ears or noses.

Holy freakin' Jesus.

Using common genetics and cartilage scaffolding,

we can graft almost any body part onto a mouse and allow it to develop.

Here's the mouse you saw on television.

Once the ear fully forms, it can be transplanted onto a person.

Doctor, what about a penis?

Well, a penis is something a man puts into a woman's vagina.

No, no.

If I gave you some of my DNA,

could you grow a penis on a mouse for me?

You don't understand, doing this stuff is very expensive

and we've never tried a penis before.

There's no guarantee it would work!

I will give you all the money I have to just try. Please.

Doctor, I'm a man trapped in a woman's body.

- I need a penis. - Alright,

alright, let's see what we can do.

Eric, we've called you in to commend you

for your role as student teacher.

Don't commend me, it's the students' fault for being so stupid!

Commend means you've done a great job, Eric, m'kay.

After leading your class through review,

your schoolmates scored higher than they ever have on their tests!

Whatever you did really worked on them!

Oh well, thank you.

I believe strict discipline along with compassion

for my students is catamite to their learning.

These gentlemen from the Denver County School Board

have something they want to ask you.

Young man, word of your success as a student teacher

has started the whole board thinking.

We would like you to try your methods on one of our inner city school classes.

These kids just won't listen to any adult teachers,

and since you handled your class so well...

How'd you like to give it a shot?

That sounds like a chance to really make an impact

on some students who need it most.

How much will you pay me?

Three hundred bucks! Did you hear what I said you guys!?

My awesome teaching skills is gonna earn me three hundred bucks!

You're not an awesome teacher!

Whatever, the whole class scored super high on the tests.

The only reason we scored high

was because we took the answers out of Garrison's desk, and you know it!

Yes, but whose idea was it to take the answers out of Garrison's desk?

Kenny's!

- Yeah, that was my idea. - Oh, yeah.

But whatever, I'm gonna go teach those underprivileged inner city students

and really turn their lives around.

Do you know what those kids are going to do to you?

A little middle class white boy telling them what to do?

They are going to fucking murder you.

Maybe he's right. I better be careful how I look.

Students, quiet! Quiet, please!

Give me your attention.

I'll give you my attention all night long, Mrs. Miller!

You're on thin ice, Rodriguez! Now listen up.

The Denver County School Board has sent over a special guest teacher.

This may be your last shot at graduating from high school at all!

I want you to welcome Eric Cartmanez.

Hello, students. I am Eric Cartmanez,

your new teacher.

What the hell is this?

I am here to teach you calculus.

I think you're going to be very pleased

with the progress, Ms. Garrison.

Mister Garrison!

Sorry, 'Mister' Garrison.

Your DNA has replicated and grafted very successfully with the mouse.

And so here's your penis.

Wow, my penis looks great!

Yes, it's a fantastic penis. Congratulations.

How long before it's ready?

Well, it still has some forming to do, but fairly soon.

Let me see if it feels right in my hand.

No! Don't open the--

Oh, no!

Don't let it get out of the lab.

My penis!

Stop penis! Come back here!

Okay, everyone take a silly bus and pass it to the amigo behind you.

Hey man, what the hell do you think you're doing?

Yeah!

Mr. Cartmanez is here to make sure you all get into college.

Getting into college?! Man, we aren't getting into no college?! Fuck you!

Yeah, man! That's right!

What is this, anyway? Man, this is crap!

How do I reach these kids?!

The reason that you think you can't get into college

is because you haven't been taught

how to cheat properly.

How do you think white people always get ahead?

Because we cheat all the time.

I mean, because they cheat all the time.

This is Bill Beeelichick. Coach of the New England Patriots.

He's won three Superbowls. How?

He cheated.

He even got caught cheating.

And nobody cared.

Bill Beelicheck proved that in America it's okay to cheat,

as long as you cheat your way to the top.

Hey, I don't want to be called a cheater.

No, no, if you cheat and fail, you're a cheater.

If you cheat and succeed, you're savvy.

This is bullshit! I don't want to waste my time learning to cheat!

Go ahead, the door's right there.

Bye, bye, have fun. We will miss you.

How do I reach these kids?

Boys! Boys, have you seen my penis?!

- What? - My penis is on the loose!

If you see it, just try to catch it with some cheese!

Ow, that hurt my brains.

Nice form, compadre.

Hey I walked out of your class, teacher.

Look, I don't want to argue with you about the merits of cheating.

Who wants to argue on a nice day like this.

How about a little pickup game?

Hey, Petano! Can you keep score for us?

Sure thing, Mr. C.

Okay, you start on defense, amigo.

Oho, that's one to nothing, amigo.

- You cheated! - What's the score, effe?

Okay, let's go. Your turn.

That's two to nothing, amigo.

Fuck you, man! You can't do that.

Look at the scoreboard, amigo.