Wallace Peebles Paranormal Inspectre

This place was built before America was even established.

-Before McDonald's even. -What?

And it's thought that women were burned in those living rooms upstairs

as part of the Salem Witch Trials.

That's nonsense, absolute nonsense.

Anything on the EMF, Poppy, which stands for.

Ecto... mystic Finder.

No, it doesn't.

Actually, yes there is, and I think it's coming from over there

off that dumbwaiter.

Well, let's not be rude, he might be foreign.

What waiter?

Once we started to get a little bit of popularity,

I mean, like, five or so regular followers, mostly bots...

Erm, can you change that title, please?

- What do you want? -Behavioural Psychologist.

Wallace just became, I don't know,

he started reading these books that he didn't quite understand

and coming up with these words and phrases

that were totally out of context, complete nonsense.

What is going on there?

And his ego, he became this distended solipsist.

Yeah, we'll do it later.

I can sense the malevolence.

This is an angry spirit.

-And I think he may have farted. -Jesus.

Do you guys see the size of this wiener?

...ing hell.

I know, it's huge, right?

Chet had been jealous of me for quite some time.

When my fans really started to show interest,

especially chicks.

He just seemed to want to mess everything up,

but I handled it with class.

You've ruined another investigation, Chet, you big knobbly turd.

What? You wanted dinner.

Not now.

I wanted you to film us, but as usual,

Poppy and I had to work alone again.

You know, I feel I have to be honest with you, Chet,

you're a dipshit and I hate you.

Yeah, Wallace, I'm the dipshit.

Yep, so zero regrets about my choice of subject.

Who wouldn't want to dedicate seven years

of their precious academia to consummate morons?

Greetings, believers, and welcome to your weekly trip down the paranormal.

I wonder which is the best meat.

We are coming live from Erie, Ohio.

I'm ready to take your calls.

So stand by with...

Beef is pretty versatile,

but then lamb is good for kebabs.

Okay, Wallace, we are not live, this is a podcast.

-Pork! -What?

-Vodcast. -Yeah, right, vodcast.

So we're not live and we don't have a phone system.

We're recording your voice now,

and then we're gonna add the "callers" later

with our audio software.

It's called "editing," remember?

But we are live.

We are alive.

Yes.

Poppy's never really understood the concept of broadcasting.

I mean, she tries, bless her,

but all those Ivy League degrees and books

are no substitute for experience.

I'm a seasoned broadcaster.

Are you?

Yeah, in Europe.

You don't get that channel here.

Wallace has never really understood the concept of podcasting.

He seems to think we're on live TV.

Okay, so let's record the first part of your script.

Are you ready?

Don't look into the camera.

Action.

Action, Wallace.

Okay, I've cut there, what's wrong?

I just keep thinking about meat.

Meat?

You know, chicken, beef, pork.

Yeah, I know what meat is.

Why are you thinking about meat

when we're trying to record this?

Sausage, that's it.

It goes with fries, it goes with pancakes.

-And that's it. -Poppy?

I have been with you for almost two years,

and in that time, you managed to lose every sponsor

that we ever had, burn down a factory,

and alienate the one person

that can make your show watchable.

She said that?

Well, yeah.

You know, the only reason I agreed to join this team

is so that I could study the psychology of paranormal witnesses.

All I've studied is you and Chet,

seeing who could piss higher up the damn wall.

I have had it. I am through.

Poppy, don't go. We've got an upcoming investigation,

the haunted bakery, supernatural pastries.

Too little, too late.

Just for the record though,

I did get higher up the wall.

Greetings, believer. You are live on the air.

I'm standing in the middle of this old warehouse,

and it's super scary, and I need somebody

to come and investigate it for me.

Caller, you have come to the right place.

Oh, yeah, I heard you guys are the best,

especially that Chet guy.

No, caller, you are much mistaken,

Unfortunately, Chet is a massive turd.

Now tell me about your environment.

Can you see any signs of the paranormal,

ecto-fog or peculiar sounds?

Oh, yes, very peculiar.

I keep hearing this voice, this ghostly moaning

that's just always complaining and bitching about everything.

And where is it coming from?

Oh my God, it seems to be coming from my phone.

It's Chet, you idiot.

Chet who?

Look, I'm calling to offer you an olive branch.

Well, I'm all set for pieces of tree, thank you.

And by the way, you're still a massive turd like I told the caller.

That was me.

Of course, it was you, I don't know any other massive turds,

I'm not as massive as you anyway. Okay, bye.

Stop, stop!

Wallace, listen, I have a bona fide.

You are a boner... fide.

Wallace!

Chet is that you?

Oh my God, thank God, Poppy.

Thank God it's you.

Hey, how are you?

Well, actually, I just quit.

I made a pretty dramatic exit, but I left my phone behind.

Okay. Stop, everybody just stop everything.

Just listen to me for a second, okay?

I have a great opportunity, this is a sign.

We can't see you, idiot, there's another sign.

No, Poppy coming back for her phone. That's the sign.

Would you just listen to me? I have a great opportunity for us.

-Chuck, this isn't another crypto thing, is it?

No, no, no, I promise this is the real deal.

I'm standing inside of this big old warehouse

in upstate New York and it is extremely haunted.

You're not qualified to say that.

Continue.

The owner wants us to investigate.

I could point to hundreds, no, thousands of people

that want me to investigate.

Okay, go ahead.

How is this an actual opportunity for us, Chet?

They're going to pay us.

Actual money?

Yes, actual US dollars.

It's not about the money.

I mean, sure, we've got expenses like anybody else, but...

It's totally about the money. We're absolutely 100% broke.

We're gonna need every piece of equipment that we have

and maybe some new stuff as well.

I want to record everything.

We can make a real show.

Hello? Hello?

Ugh. I must have accidentally hung up on them. They would never hang up on me.

Here are the rules.

You provide the jewels to me, you get $5 million

and I don't have you killed.

Okay. That seems fair.

Oh, shut the fuck up.

You disappoint me in any way.

Fail to deliver the jewels to me

give away any information about me or our objectives

or do any single thing to implicate me

or even that causes my day to be less than perfect.

Yes?

I'll fucking kill you.

Oh, I wasn't expecting that.

Um, is there any wiggle room?

Slowly.

Can we negotiate?

Oh, oh, you meant, you meant the killing of me.

That would be slowly.

And don't go into room 66 either.

Now, I've made some angel food cake.

It's by the fridge. Share with your friends.

You don't want to get a tummy ache.

What?

We've hit the big time.

Full sponsorship, proper investigation.

There'll be seriously haunted footage.

Good.

What do you want me to do then?

Well, I was just thinking that,

they...

Fucking hell!