Archimedes and Ollie

Hi, I'm Brennan Lee Mulligan.

And I'm Jacob Lawrence Wysocki.

It's our third time, and he's got three names,

so I have to have three names, too.

Lawrence. I'm shocked.

- You didn't know? - I didn't know.

Now they know.

- Today, we're giving these comedians

a total transformation.

Oh, yeah.

They have no idea who

or what they're about to become.

Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

This is "Very Important People".

Oh my God.

Brennan, I'm scared.

I'm scared.

Oh no.

- Now, that is- - Oh no.

Now, that is tough.

(laughs) Now, that is-

You look crazy.

I hate what I look like.

- I am so happy I don't look like you. (laughs)

That's gross. You got a poo-poo in the diaper.

I'm riding low.

What's up, man? - What's up? Hey.

What's up, Avery Middle School?

Who's here to learn a little bit about puberty?

We are adult British men.

- Yes, we're actually just waiting for the bus.

- Hey, where can a guy get some breast milk around here?

Welcome to the baby dimension.

May I suck on it?

Yes. Get in there.

Oh, there you go.

We all have a story to tell,

and sometimes those stories need

to be shared with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis,

back with another edition of "Very Important People".

Please, introduce yourself.

- All rise for my formal announcement, please.

Me and my brother are up for adoption.

Okay.

- Hello. - Hi.

I'm Archimedes.

And I'm Ollie.

Ollie, Archimedes, thank you so much

for joining us on the show today.

Please take a seat.

Splendid.

- Maybe Ollie, why don't you come right here,

and Archimedes, we'll have you a little,

a little further away over here.

Wow, okay, and so he did sort of pick the one closer to me.

I love that. I love that.

We sort of heard one, one child was coming on the program,

and so we sort of got-

Double trouble, I'm afraid.

- And that was my- - Twice the heart.

- My exact thought, and so you are genetically related?

Yes, we're identical twins.

- Wow. The resemblance is just absolutely sensational.

So you two are looking to be adopted?

Yes. We're looking for a perfect family.

- As you can see, we childproofed the set today.

I did it myself,

because everybody else was taking a lunch break,

and so I said, you stay there, you keep eating your lunch,

and I will babyproof the set.

Thank you so much.

You're welcome, Ollie.

In many ways, we're all on our own.

What do you mean by that?

Consciousness.

We're born into this world trapped in our own minds,

and we die alone.

Do you know anyone who wants to be our mother?

- Well, you know, you two are here today to find that out,

and I am sure that we can find a viewer out there

that is very happy to welcome one of you into their home.

- What are your average numbers on the program?

- I'm sorry? - (shouting) Your ratings!

- Careful. Enjoy it. - Sorry.

Enjoy it. Good.

May I ask, how old are you two?

Babies.

Babies. I see.

I see and I understand.

You two are looking to be adopted.

It seems like you're doing all right on your own.

What is the impetus to be adopted?

- Ollie wishes to know the touch of a mother's caress.

I have a quality to my skin

where it bears the temperature of a not too fresh cadaver,

and so I don't expect that even the most stouthearted woman

would be able to touch me and do anything other than recoil.

- I like to think of him as an ever cool pillow.

What a charming way to think about that.

I love your sunny disposition.

I am gonna say this right here.

I think that we are gonna get you a home

by the end of this episode.

How do we feel about that?

Oh, we've heard it many times before.

Ah, what's happened?

Oh, it's okay. It's okay.

Deep breath. You're okay. - Ah, what's happened?

- Deep breath. It's okay. - Ah!

- And we are. And we're. - Ah!

And we're totally. Hey.

I have a stepdaughter, and that's what I sing to her

when she gets nervous.

Don't stop.

Okay, that was really lovely.

It's happening for you.

It's going to happen for us.

If it happens for me, it happens for you.

So you two sort of go as a bonded pair?

- Oh, you wouldn't split up a cat in the litter, would you?

You wouldn't split up a puppy.

- I think sort of famously, puppies do go to separate homes.

Oh.

You got a little something.

I got spittles?

- A little spit. - Help me, please.

I love to be helpful.

I'm not too dextrous yet.

- Because to help somebody else is to help the entire world.

Okay, so just-

Fine motor skills come later.

Fine motor skills come later?

That's just sort of a fact. I love that.

I love that one. - I don't even really know

if my face is here or not,

'cause I can't see it.

You have a lovely face, Ollie.

I like your face. It's a face.

It's not as good as yours.

Don't say it like that.

No, there's something hideous about me.

No, reframe that thought.

No.

You're great. You're lovable.

- Okay, well, you know, you two have been so patient,

such patient, such patient little guys,

so here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna bring in a little snack

for you two, and some toys.

Zoom in on me, like from "The Office",

like I'm Jim from "The Office".

Have you seen "The Office"?

Snack time!

I'm just, I'm shocked by how-

Oh, good.

So that was mine as a child. - Thank you.

Then I thought I'd bring that in for you,

but look it, even cuter and-

Bang!

Bang, bang, bang!

Does the child's body speak

even without her vocal chords?

So my mom recorded that voice.

- Archie, what have you done? - If you just sorta-

False baby!

And my mother hand painted this,

sort of what we have here. - Archie!

There it is. That's the voice.

It's just a little box, not a real baby.

Okay.

Well, I'm glad you've gotten

to the bottom of it. - And I love that.

I love that. I think this is fantastic.

I accidentally broke this cup.

- Hey, oh, and that's sharp, so we're gonna get that

away from you, actually. - Bang, bang!

Okay, okay, okay,

and that's so sharp. - It's a really,

really fragile cup.

And don't worry, I got this,

'cause if I get hurt, that's fine,

and if you guys get hurt,

I'd never be able to forgive myself.

Are you mad at me?

I hadn't known! - You mustn't be mad!

- I hadn't known! - No, I didn't say that.

- I was just playing. - No, we're just playing,

and look, okay, how about some of these other toys, right?

Oh, oh. - Vic.

- Yes? - Ollie has to be stronger

than an adult man,

because where we come from, there are no parents.

We come from a dimension of only babies.

What do you mean?

We're cosmonauts, Ollie and I.