The Office

Val, I need this space.

All right, guys, clear out.

Everybody out.

Promise me you're going to clean up.

I can't promise what I'm going to do or not do.

Promise me that--

Obviously I'm going to clean up.

Stress is like the uptight mayor of a town who's saying,

"hey, we're uptight, you can't dance."

And then you have to be like, "oh, yeah, mayor stress?

Well, watch this."

And then...We dance.

Oh, how we dance.

Sex also works.

Hey, Jim's back from jury duty.

Hey! Tuna!

He's back.

- Hey. - Oh, look at this.

- Tuna wrap. - Okay.

Hand roll.

Yeah.

How was jury duty?

It was pretty uneventful, actually.

I can't believe they let someone like you

serve on a jury.

Makes me question the whole judicial system.

What was the case?

Uh, hit and run.

Ooh, "the case of the hit and run," that's exciting.

Did you send him to the slammer?

Nope, not guilty.

Of course you found him not guilty.

"Oh, he apologized,

and I just really want him to like me, mm."

We're best friends, actually.

We're going wine-tasting next weekend, if you want to come.

Not coming, have plans.

Okay.

I did get called in to jury duty.

And they released me around noon,

so didn't think it was worth it to come back to work

for a half day.

And then the next morning, Pam was a little overwhelmed

with the kids, so I took an extra day to help out.

And then three other days happened.

Ah!

Angela had the baby!

Is it black?

'Cause that would be hilarious.

Why?

You know.

Would it be more hilarious than Angela

having a Chinese baby?

A little bit, yeah.

Right, guys? Back me up.

Eh, a little bit.

Oh, did I win the pool?

Ah, no. Right month, wrong year.

Well, no one won the pool.

Angela wasn't due for another month.

We should all go to the hospital and visit her.

Oh, I'd love to, but, um--

Aw, man, I would, but I can't miss any more work.

Well, Kevin and I have to go,

because accounting is its own little family.

Yeah, Oscar's the dad, I'm Oscar's dad,

and Angela's my mom.

Everyone, our very own Angela--

We all got the email,

some of us are going to go visit.

Oh, I am so in.

I love maternity wards.

It's the perfect blend of love and horror.

Things can go so wrong or so right.

Come on, "Judge Judy," tell us your case.

What were the deets?

Mine was actually a pretty boring case, so--

How could it be boring? You were there for five days.

Titillate us.

Yeah, you owe us.

I had to stay until 6:00 twice to cover for you.

My wife got to the tv first,

had to sit through damn "Rizzoli" and damn "Isles."

Yeah, my car got smashed visiting one of your clients,

and I had to have it detailed,

and they took my meter change.

- Wow, I'm really sorry. - Yeah.

I never considered that my week off

would make everyone else's job harder.

The least I could do is give them a good story.

So Phyllis, he was here,

and then the car came and did-- He was like that.

Yeah, so it had to be a double backflip, actually.

You know, when I was on j-duty--

Uh, strangler case-- We used to recreate

the various stranglings with empanadas from-- At Ernesto's.

Oh, man, Ernesto's.

That was our favorite restaurant too.

You mean food truck. Ernesto's was a food truck.

Toby, shut your hole about the empanadas.

Nobody cares about the empanadas.

I was in Los Angeles last year.

Jim tricked me into thinking I'd won a walk-on part

on NCIS, but that's not important.

While I was being kicked off the lot,

I saw food trucks everywhere.

Everyone in Los Angeles eats from them.

And nobody calls them "restaurants."

Guys, I don't know how many

of you have seen--

Gabe? Bring it in.

I don't know how many of you have seen

a premature baby before.

It's going to be really tiny,

so please don't say anything offensive.

Got that, bimbo?

Got it, bimbo.

Yes?

Knock, knock.

Hi.

I don't-- I don't want any--

What are you guys doing here?

We wanted to say hi to the newest

little Dunder Mifflinite.

Well, meet our not-so-little

bundle of joy, Philip Halsted Lipton.

Philip is so fat.

Kevin.

You warned me not to say anything

if it was tiny, Oscar.

But you didn't prepare me for a big, giant, fat baby.

- Hey. - Yes, he's substantial.

He's more than substantial.

He's a monster.

So this whole hit and run thing,

there's just one part I can't figure out.

You said it was at a four-way stop...

Mm-hm.

And the victim rode his bicycle

into the left-hand turn lane,

but the perp was already in the left-hand turn lane?

Mm-hm.

See, that's what I'm having trouble with,

because the fact is,

you never said he was on a bicycle.

- Busted, Halpert! - Okay, wait, wait.

- Yes! Andy, get out here. - No.

I never said he was on a bicycle.

I just said I wasn't listening to you.

I am making a citizen's arrest.

You have the right to remain silent.

You have the right to beg for mercy.

You have the right to request judgment by combat.

Dwight's rights.

What's up, gangstas?

Jim was lying about jury duty.

He was lying the whole time so he could go do yoga

or go canoeing.

I don't know what this pervert likes.

Fire him!

Dwight, not everything is a conspiracy theory.

I have Jim on the record saying that the vic--

No, Dwight!

I have me on the record saying to you,

"take a chill pill."

I don't-- I don't need to take a chill pill.

Here, right there.

Down the hatch.

I really don't want to take

the chill pill.

Attaboy.

Good, now, "chill."

Okay, okay.

But let's just say that Jim was lying about jury duty.

You would have to fire him, right?

Yeah, sure, of course.

I'd fire him to Timbuktu.

That's good enough for me.

And Pam was just going crazy

trying to take care of Philip,

because Cece has been out of control recently, and--

Look, Andy, it doesn't matter.

The truth is,

I just feel terrible lying to you.

I feel terrible getting lied to.

No one's ever lied to me before.

Okay.

I think the best thing to do right now is just

come clean and tell everybody the truth.

No, not after what I told Dwight about firing you.

No, here's what we're going to do.

We're going to have ourselves a good old fashioned cover-up.

Have you ever heard of a Connecticut cover-up?

No.

Do you know why you never heard of it?

- No. - Covered it up.

Are you sure you can keep this under wraps?

They used to call me "King Tut"

because I'm so good at keeping things under wraps.

My nickname was actually "King Butt,"