The Hardy Bucks Movie

Robbie Keane with the chance.

Keane takes it and scores.

Poland and the Ukraine, are you ready for us?

All right, lads. Come here, okay. Salmon, refreshments.

There's men who need their hydration here, Salmon, come on.

Come on, Salmon, hurry up.

What's going on with us? It's nine all.

- Sure, we know that. - We should have this in the bag.

In the bag? Sure, I saw The Viper slip the ref a nodge of hash.

- The ref? - At the car park.

Prick.

I bought that man 20 euros worth of pints last night.

Fucking can't trust anyone any more.

- Come on, Salmon. Good man. - All right-a-fucking boy!

Salmon, you could have got something a bit less alcoholic.

See, this is your problem, Toastie, you've gone soft.

You won't take a drink and you wonder why we don't play you.

You cannot have a sober man on the pitch. It's not me who made up the rules.

If you're out there sober, you're a danger.

Sure, it's not safe for your team,

it's not safe for the other wankers on the pitch.

He's only being sound.

Can you imagine if Barry Macey was fucking refereeing?

- Oh, don't even start that now. - Oh.

You wouldn't kick a ball if you passed the breathaliser.

How's it going? Eddie Durkan here.

Well, this is Castletown, my home.

Look, it's pissing rain and that's June. How depressing.

There's no women, there's no work, and no craic.

Not like the craic these boys are having.

See, the one bit of good news is that Ireland

have qualified for the Euros out in Poland.

And if I was any right man, I'd be out there, too.

But A, my mates are fucking useless. And B, I'm skint.

Last time we qualified was years ago

and my Uncle Mick was out there and he said it was a great craic.

Look at him. He's like a cross between Liam Neeson and Samuel Beckett.

Man's a fucking legend.

This'll take me back 24 years.

Germany, '88.

Jaysus, we had the time of our lives.

Shit, Germany wasn't ready for us at all.

And they were never ready for the feckin' eighty percent proof poitin, neither.

Seth and the boys brought over a couple of gallons of poitin

and we were selling them off in small little bottles to the Germans.

We were making a small fortune until we got caught out.

Lucky enough I could see by the old Sergeant Major's nose

that he was fond of a drop himself.

I gave him a litre. You know what he said?

"Fair play to you lads,"

gave me a tap on the back and says, "Off you go."

Hey, he's a good uncle, isn't he?

Hep-a-shout-out and fucking little bad fucking yeah

What's the craic.

Belleth door, press now.

Hello, what's the craic?

Is your brother in there?

He's committed himself to a rehabilitation clinic in Galway.

- For? - For addiction to hash.

Do I look like I came down in the last shower?

- Addiction to hash? - He kept having hallucinations.

That sounds like class craic, man.

Are you saying the drugs don't work?

Who are you man, Neil Ashcroft?

Richard.

Whatever. That means the gear is solid.

Mental gear solid, and I'm solid shnake.

If the brother isn't around, Shtevie,

then the family's gonna have to pay top dollar.

So if you can go and get some money for me, that'll be...

That'll be sound.

Beaten by a child.

Why didn't you crack some shkull, man?

A bit fucking harsh, he's only twelve.

You're meant to be the hired goons, boys.

I don't hire Blubberpuss and Edward Leatherhands for nothing, man.

Top dollar I'm paying ye.

And there is the final whistle. The final score in Poznan.

Bitter, bitter disappointment. Ireland one, Croatia three.

Yeah, well, look at the craic the boys were having out there,

see the lad sucking anyone's tit.

I want my team to win, not lads sucking on tits.

You can suck on tits any day of the week.

Only a few seconds in and we're a goal down. We're absolutely shite, man.

- Buzz, is that you? - Yeah, baby.

Thought the place had been broken into.

Burglars.

It's just a bit of riding there, will you relax.

All right, so.

- Good man. - Lucky for some.

Lads, do you want a cup of tea?

- Nah, I'm good thanks, man. - Cheers, Frenchie though, all right.

- Buzz? - Yeah?

Do you want a cup of tea?

Yes, please.

And how about your mate there?

Please, one sugar.

Sound, whoever you are.

Moira.

Pleased to meet you. Frenchtoast.

I'm The Boo, by the way.

Will you shut the fuck up, lad, I'm trying to concentrate.

She's a nice voice on her though, whoever she is.

Sprint!

If the boys in green played as well as that lad in there now.

Bingo!

Yeehaw! Howdy, dick blowers.

Do you like the fucking wheels, man?

Where are you going? Big romantic three-way to Athlone, is it?

Very funny.

We'll be bypassing Athlone actually.

Bypassing it on the way to P to the O to the L to the A to the D.

- Polad? - Poland.

I meant to say Poland. I missed out the N.

Going to watch the fucking Euro World Cup and the boys in green.

Yeah, you're such a big man going out there and everything.

Yeah, I am a big man in a big fucking van.

How are you going to get tickets out there?

Fuck, man. I never thought about that.

Shit. What if I go all the way out there?

You mean there's no tickets, like?

- There's no tickets left for people? - No, there's no tickets left.

- Fuck. - Yeah, exactly.

- Now you're not so smart, are you? - You need a ticket.

I don't... I don't want to go all the way out there and like,

not have any fucking tickets to the games.

Let's just say a game like Ireland v. Poznan in Italy, yeah?

- You're a fucking arsehole, man. - Ha, I'm only messing.

Listen, I'm only here to rub it in.

Enjoy another fucking summer trying to master self-fellatio, you big gang bangers.

Gesundheit!

Woo! This is it, lads, life on the open road.

Three thousand kilometre round trip, just us.

What could be more fun, eh?

Well, I've compiled a list of about forty, fifty "dos or don'ts" though.

I need you to adhere to them while you're under my control, okay?

Number one. No shitting in the on-board toilet. Nicht, nicht.

Number two. Shleeping. I'll have all the best beds, you can have the shit ones.

If I'm on the job, which is hopefully going to be every fucking night,

I don't want you sleeping in the same van.

Number four. No fucking nudity from either of ye.

Especially you, Stateside.

Don't want any fucking nightmares.

Plus, you're meant to be hard lads.

If I see your cock and balls in action then, you know,

it just breaks the fucking illusion.

Number seventeen. Shtateside, you sing lullabies to me when I...

They're so beautiful.

So gentle.

So moist, aren't they, lads?

Ah, here, hey, this is fucking depressing. It's boring, that's what it is.

We should be out there with the rest of them,

on the way to Poland now.

Sitting round here,

like a gang of wankers.

Clims and leabes.

More shit talk out of you, Eddie, is it?

Yeah, shit talk, is it? It's not shit talk, Boo.

Ah, it's fucking pure muck.

- Is it? - Yeah.

Then we're going Dublin, Ibiza, America, and now we're off to Poland.

What's wrong with your bits and pieces here?

- It's different this time. - How?

- Completely fucking different. - How is it different?

How is it different? It's a matter of national pride this time.

- Your country needs you. - Why, for what?

Your people need you. Your country needs a lift, Buzz.

- Are you thick, or what's the craic like? - I'm smart.

This is just going to be drinking and slobbering, man. You can count me out.

Look, we can be over there for the Italy game next week.

How would you get there?

You leave it to me now, all right?

I'll have that sorted out.

The mother ship, it's going to be bringing us all around the World Cup places

in fucking Poland and Yugoslavia.

Got it from the old lad. Not proud of it, not fucking ashamed of it either.

But watch and learn as I give you the grand tour of this fucking mother beast,

while Booboo and Fucknuts buy me loads of booze in the petrol station.

The presidential step is lowered for my tiny feet.

Ah! Ooh.

Once inside,

the presidential step is retracted

like the penis comes back inside to the...

I'm just coming inside the womb.

That's where the fucking slaves are going to be driving me.

The dining room. I would use the dining area

to wine and dine chicks I've brought back

before taking them up to the fucking bedrooms

located at the front, the rear, and even there.

It's good to make them feel like they're being wined and dined because

then they'll do extra stuff to your jimmy.

Vulvazela. Jingle bells. A wig.

I'm just going to be the biggest fan out there.

Shitter. Now the bedroom.

This is the clitoris of the vulva vehicle.

But, uh...

What's this?

"Dear Viper..." From fucking Stateside and Dragon. It's a joke, isn't it?

"We made a mistake, Viper.

"Myself and Stateside