Legit

Oh, man.

Hello!

Who are you?

Who are you?

I've lost everything.

You haven't lost me.

Don't move!

Ah, shit!

Hello? Jim?

Jimmy?

N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Shit!

Shit!

Oh, wow.

This is gonna kill Jim.

Dude, push "Play." I want to see the end.

- He's coming. - So?

Ah, phone's stuffed.

Having a wank in the shower. Bloody mom calls.

- I drop it in the toilet. - Ah, mothers...

ruining masturbation since the dawn of time.

Try it without using porn.

What? And use my imagination?

What are you watching?

"Red Moon Over Odessa."

I can't believe you're watching

the movie I was fired from!

And it's really good, Jim.

It's awesome.

How'd you even get this?

This is still in the cinema.

Look, Jim, just 'cause you tried

to rape your co-star and got fired

doesn't mean that we should

be deprived of entertainment.

I never raped that girl.

All I did was make a joke

about raping that girl

after she implied that I was gonna rape her,

then I made it look like I was raping her.

But I never raped that girl!

Enjoy your stupid little movie.

It's not stupid, Jim. It's brilliant.

Yeah? Well, I'm going to "Loveline,"

and you two aren't invited anymore.

That's right... invitation revoked.

- Oh, no. - Oh, bummer.

Okay, let's recap.

Peggy dumps Jim,

Jim loses a major movie role,

then Jim drops his phone in the toilet

while trying to jerk off.

'Cause his mom called.

Jimmy's on a bad-luck run, yo.

That is a bad-luck run.

You know what I'm gonna do right now is...

I'm gonna walk to my car.

Right? Then I'm gonna drive my car to "Loveline,"

where you're both not going.

I'm gonna do it through the power in my legs, Billy.

Left foot, right foot. Left foot, right foot. Left foot, right foot.

I'm walking, you spacker.

Don't worry, Jim!

Award-winning movie roles

come along every day!

You're on fire, my little spacker.

Push "Play."

- Oh! - Oh, no.

All right, next call here on

"Loveline" is Mikey from Seattle.

Mikey, hello.

Hi. Look, yeah, I have this, like,

weird growth thing on my dick.

Hey, Mikey... uh, Mikey,

you're on the radio, my friend.

Let's use proper medical terminology...

"penis."

You've got the HPV virus.

It's very common.

90% of people in America

have this condition.

Uh, listen, Mikey, I don't know about Jim's numbers.

90%? Really?

Pretty accurate.

You got to see a doctor.

You got to get that HPV vaccine.

You've got to wear a condom,

my friend, all right?

Yeah, use a condom when you're not drunk.

Who uses them when they're drunk?

Even when you're drunk.

Which is weird because that's when

you have sex with the sluttier girls

that you probably should use them.

Even when you're drunk.

Right, you know, but you're drunk, though.

We actually have to take a break.

Don't go anywhere. This is "Loveline."

Critics agree "Red Moon Over Odessa"

is this year's masterpiece.

Hey, you guys heard about

all the buzz on this film?

I guess the guy who was cast in the lead

is gonna be in the next "Star Wars."

Well, who'd want that role?

"Star Wars"?

Well, they ruined Ewan McGregor,

the last few.

Those weren't good movies.

You wouldn't want that.

I heard that the actress

in this film was, uh, like,

nearly raped by some douchebag...

- another actor, yeah. - What?!

And then she used that experience

to take herself to an emotional place

that she'd never been before.

Nearly. Nearly raped.

Didn't actually rape her, did he?

So... probably helped her acting,

so she should probably thank him.

Dude, that is dark, even for you.

Welcome back to "Loveline."

Jim Jefferies, what do you have

coming up soon that we can plug?

Nothing at the moment, but, you know...

nothing at the moment.

Okay. Uh, our next caller

here on "Loveline" is Patty.

Patty in Seattle, hello.

Hi, Dr. Drew. Am I on the radio?

Yeah.

So, I was dating this guy.

His name was... Tim.

He would constantly masturbate...

like, all of the time.

Like, he was really, really into porn,

and, like, he would masturbate

before sex constantly.

Uh, may... maybe he was a gentleman,

and he was trying to last longer for you,

for your pleasure.

On an airplane, like, in the bathroom.

Airplanes?

Long-haul flights...

you got to break them up.

Oh, and he would constantly

ask for threesomes.

Can't hate a guy for asking.

Patty, do you have a question?

I'm thinking about calling him.

Oh, no, no, Patty.

No, no, no, no. Come on.

Listen, this guy sounds like a dick.

- Penis. A penis. - Medical term.

- Tim sounds like a penis. - Yeah.

Not only that,

but he has a lot of the hallmarks

of sexual addiction.

Aw, come on.

That's not even really a thing, is it?

Jim, yeah, it is a real thing.

It's different than a healthy sex drive...

people that really cannot

manage their sexual desires.

But everyone enjoys sex, so, by definition,

everyone's obsessed with it,

so, by definition,

we're all sex addicts.

Patty, this guy's not gonna be able to

have a healthy relationship

with you or anybody

until he gets some help.

He was proud of it.

Like,

there was the glory hole in Frankfurt,

the threesome in Lincoln, Nebraska,

like, multiple prostitutes.

Oh! Oh! A transvestite in South Africa.

- Whoa! Whoa! Africa. - Patty, come on.

Hey, uh, Africa's a no-no,

absolutely, not even south.

And, Patty, you were actually

having sex with this guy?

Can... can we move on now?

And he cheated on me with this woman,

and you know what he did?

He stuffed her, like, alive into a suitcase

and then drove her around

in the trunk of his

stupid orange penis car.

That car's a classic!

Right?!

The transvestite was in Thailand!

It's me, Jim. It's Peggy.

Oh, really?! Peggy! Oh!

Wait, wait, wait, wait. You know Jim?

Yeah, Peggy's my ex-girlfriend.

Ooooh! Ho! Ho! Ha!

Yes!