The Big Bang Theory

Previously on The Big Bang Theory:

We were worried about you.

Don't be melodramatic.

I'm just getting on a train and leaving forever.

A few things don't go your way...

...and your best decision is to ride the rails like a hobo?

Leonard, I am overwhelmed.

Everything is changing and it's simply too much.

I need to get away and think.

- Sheldon. - Yes?

I'm gonna miss you.

Of course you are.

- You just made that easier. Mm-hm.

Excuse me.

Is it at all possible that you're knitting a pair of pants?

Oh, no. You're understandably terrified.

You know, allow me to explain.

Forty-five days ago...

...um, I embarked on a railroad journey of healing...

...because my university was making me do string theory...

...my favorite comic-book store burned down...

...and when my roommate got engaged, my girlfriend wanted to move in with me.

Which was no doubt a ploy just to see my...

...well, excuse my language, but my bathing-suit parts.

Sir, may I use your phone?

I don't think so.

I understand that I'm half-naked...

...but there is a reasonable explanation. While I slept in my sleeper car...

...all my possessions were stolen.

Now, typically, I wear pajamas...

...but I recently adopted a hobo lifestyle...

...and pajamas are the sleep-pants of the man.

I'll have you know Mahatma Gandhi wore no pants...

...and a nation rallied behind him!

My good man, now, before you walk away, I know that I may appear deranged...

...but I am, in fact, a world-renowned physicist.

Ask me the difference between a boson and a fermion. Go ahead, ask.

Bosons have integer spin.

Fermions have half-integer spin.

My legs are getting cold. Why won't anybody help me?

- Morning. - Hi. Want to do yoga with me?

Uh, let me just have some coffee first...

...and then I'll have the strength to tell you how much I won't be doing that.

- Hello? - Hello, Leonard.

Hey, buddy. Good to hear your voice.

I'm in Kingman, Arizona...

...and, uh, I need you to come pick me up.

I'd love to, I'm just about to do yoga with Penny.

Leonard, I'm at the police station. I was robbed.

They took my phone, my wallet, my iPad, everything.

- Oh, my God. Are you okay? - No, I'm not okay.

I'm wearing borrowed pants...

...I don't have ID...

...and one of the officers here won't stop calling me Chicken Legs.

Okay, I'll come get you.

- What's the address? - Hey, what's going on?

- He got all of his stuff stolen. 2530 E. Andy Devine Ave.

- Okay. Hurry.

Sheldon, hang tight. Hey, do you want me to bring anything?

Yes, please. A pair of pants.

And my toothbrush.

And my mail. And a really good comeback for Chicken Legs...

...because, "I know you are, but what am I?" was met with stony silence.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

- Is he okay? - Yeah, he's fine. He's just a little rattled.

- Feel like driving to Arizona? - I can't. I have that job interview.

- Right. - Besides, I don't need six hours of:

"Your hair is different. Why did you change?

I'm holding my breath until your hair grows back."

All right, fine.

Can you think of a reason I shouldn't invite Amy to come with me?

- No. - Come on, you didn't even try.

- Thanks for the lift. - What's wrong with your car?

I'm having my windows untinted.

Why?

I got a hot girlfriend now. I want the haters to know.

What are you talking about? No one's paying attention to you.

Wow.

How's that Haterade taste, bro?

Hey, this isn't the way to work.

I just want to pop in and make sure Ma's okay.

- I thought Stuart was looking after her. - He was.

But now that her cast is off, he moved out.

And, honestly, I'm kind of glad. It was getting a little weird.

- How so? - I don't know.

They're chummy.

Like us?

No, not like us. Creepy chummy.

Like you and your dog.

She feeds him out of her own mouth?

I mean, he calls her Debbie, she calls him Stewie...

...and they're all giggly around each other.

And believe me, when food goes in that mouth, it does not come out.

So are you worried because he's replacing you as a son...

...or are you worried because he's becoming her lover?

First of all, no one can replace me as a son.

I'm her little matzo ball.

And secondly, my mother is well past having any kind of sex life.

Okay, okay.

- Although, many older women lead vibrant... - I said, well past it!

Excuse me, Officer Hernandez.

Any leads on the person who stole my belongings?

- Not yet. - Perhaps I can help.

Sherlock Holmes always says, "When you eliminate the impossible...

...whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."

Now, have you tried doing that?

Nope.

Well, maybe you should.

There's lots of books called Sherlock Holmes...

...and there's no books called Officer Hernandez.

Thanks again for coming.

Six hours was gonna be a long drive by myself.

My pleasure.

I'm not angry that my boyfriend was in trouble...

...and called you instead of me. I love that.

Yeah, time's gonna fly by.

I haven't been on a job interview in years.

- I'm really nervous. - Don't be.

You are built for pharmaceutical sales.

You're cute, you're flirty and...

Started that like there were gonna be three things.

I don't have any experience in sales...

...unless you count the bikini car wash I did in school...

...but you already made me take that off my résumé.

This job is a lot like being a waitress.

Except, instead of pushing fish tacos because they'll go bad...

...you're pushing our antidepressants...

...before the FDA finds out they may cause rectal bleeding.

They do?

Maybe.

Like our lawyers say, "The world is full of things that can cause a rectum to bleed."

I talked you up to Dan. He'll be interviewing you.

Ugh, I really appreciate this. I just hope I'm not in over my head.

- You'll be fine. Just be yourself. - I wish I felt more confident.

I wouldn't put you up for this if you couldn't handle it.

- Thank you, but maybe I should cancel. - It's too late to cancel, you're going.

But I don't know anything about pharmaceuticals.

Oh, I understand. You wanna do something you're already good at.

I know, why don't I get you a job...

...at the sitting-around-all-day- wearing-yoga-pants factory?

They're comfortable.

Ma, I hope you're decent. Raj is here. You just started seeing naked women again...

...and I don't want you to be confused about where the boobs should be.

Oh. Hey, guys. What are you doing here?

Uh, what are you doing here? I thought you moved out.

Oh, yeah. I was going to.

And then Debbie and I got to talking over dinner the other night.

I didn't have any place to go, she likes having me around...

...so we both said, "Why leave?"

At the same time. Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah, it was precious.

It's not that precious, heh.

I'd like to back you up, but it sounds like it was pretty precious.

Stewie, I can't find my glasses.

Be right there, Deb-Deb.

Oh, they're probably on her head.

Or in her neck. Listen.

You staying here seems like something she would've talked to me about.

Well, maybe if you called your mother more often, you'd know.

Wouldn't kill you to pick up the phone.

Any word on my stolen items?

We're doing everything we can.

You know, Sherlock Holmes liked to use cocaine to sharpen his focus.

But I'm sure those Cool Ranch Doritos are doing the trick.

Sheldon.

Leonard. Oh, I'm so happy to see you.

- Are you okay? - Oh, I'm fine. Why did you come?

What do you mean, why did I come?

You're my boyfriend. I haven't seen you in over a month.

I just drove six hours to help you out.

Don't you have anything to say besides, "Why did you come?"

I do, but I feel uncomfortable saying it out loud in front of these police officers.

Fine. Whisper it.

Shotgun.

So, Sheldon, tell us about your trip. Where'd you go?