American Dad!

Can you believe Dad makes us listen

to his physical results every year?

Can you believe I've never had a physical?

Okay, I have a critically ill child to check on,

so, Mr. Smith, let's get this over with...

- Stan: Play the intro music! - I don't think that's necessary.

- Play the music, nerd! -

Before we hear what amazing shape I'm in,

I wanna thank all you Stanamaniacs

for coming out in full force.

Doc, tell 'em what papa's packin'.

Well, you've put on 5 pounds since last year.

Bigger...

is...

better!

You shrunk a quarter of an inch.

So much man in such a tiny package!

And your cholesterol is high.

Are there no heights I can't reach?!

Cholesterol is a serious issue.

Forget cholesterol. We're losing them.

Bring out the big guns.

Um, it's looking like, down the line,

your left knee is gonna need to be replaced.

Right knee carrying the team to the finish line!

Oh, I know. Tell 'em if I have AIDS or not.

You, uh, still don't have AIDS.

Hear that, Francine?

Doc's giving me a prescription for raw doggin'!

Yeah!

Aah!

- - I don't think this is

the best place to eat for someone with your cholesterol.

Mmm.

Dad, milk? Isn't that...

Way ahead of you, Hayley.

It's not milk. It's ranch dressing...

from the Lazy Ranch River!

Stan, the doctor gave you this health journal

to monitor your fitness and eating habits.

Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

And you heard my stool sample results...

Too hard to test.

But you're getting older.

You need to take care of yourself.

We still have a lot of memories to make.

Of course we do, honey.

Now I'm gonna see how close the ranch river gets me

to the cheese cauldron.

Sir, you need to wear goggles!

That ranch is highly chlorinated!

If he doesn't change his lifestyle,

something terrible could happen.

Sadly, people are often set in their ways

until something really rattles them,

like a... like a near-death experience.

So we just hope he has a near-death experience?

Hope? A near-death experience is something I can guarantee.

You know how E.T. could

make a cute little nightlight with his finger?

Well, I slept with his puppeteer.

However, that's unrelated to the fact

that my species is 60% electricity.

Why do you think my Umbros are always so static-y?

- Anyway, I can use this... -

To stop and restart Stan's heart.

He'll think he had a heart attack.

Just give him the little scare he needs. Watch.

- - Dead.

- - Alive.

Now go get me the recipe for this tangy Thai sauce.

I can't believe I missed the college fair at school today.

Isn't it a little early

for you guys to be worrying about all that?

No way! I'm already behind!

Look, Barry already signed his letter of intent to Gonzaga.

Klaus: You know Coach Few's gonna get the most out of him.

Oh, man, if you knew what I have in store for you,

all your worries would melt away.

You'd be swaddled tight,

wrapped safely in my freshly laundered plans...

Klaus, what the are you talking about?

During my college years in Germany,

I did a semester abroad at Arizona State.

I'll take you to see the campus,

introduce you to some choice people.

You'll be golden!

I don't know.

Isn't Arizona State a party school?

How dare you?! ASU's got everything!

It was ranked number one in "Innovation."

- By who? - By the rankers!

It's also got a sick baseball team

and the only Chili's Too that's not in an airport.

Great. Now go get me the recipe for the zesty ranch.

I didn't know I'd want the zesty ranch

when I sent you for the tangy Thai.

I tried to text you.

What's with all the coffee?

After the amount of cheese I consumed at Fuddruckers,

it takes three pots' worth

- just to get my system running again. - Wow.

Roger, this finger zapping thing isn't gonna hurt, right?

- Not a bit. -

- -

You said it wasn't gonna hurt!

No, I said it wouldn't hurt me.

You! Need! To listen! Girl!

Well, you are a lucky man.

You had a heart attack, but you made a full recovery.

Turn the music on for me.

You are capable of turning on a boombox

one foot away all by yourself.

Do it... nerd.

I owe you all an apology.

Except you, nerd,

But I should've listened to you guys.

From here on out, it's more exercise,

healthier eating, and better choices.

And I choose... Doc, next track.

- - to be a lean, mean,

muscle flexin' machine.

Like a phoenix, I shall rise!

Because to be the man, you have to beat the man!

All: Stan! Stan! Stan! Stan!

- -

Yeah! You did it!

That chemistry lab was tight, huh?

So much innovating going on there.

Yeah, maybe. It was just kinda weird

that no one knew how to work any of the stuff.

That's 'cause it's the latest stuff!

I don't know about this place, Klaus.

It says the library opens "when Todd wakes up."

Hey, I think that's, like, a frat or something.

Should we go... I don't know, check it out?

Both: Klaus!

- You know these guys? - Everyone knows Klaus!

One time, we didn't have a band for Spring Fling,

and at the total last second,

Klaus got the Foo Fighters to play!

And one time, we were stuck in a Mexican prison,

and Klaus got the Foo Fighters to break us out!

And one time, my parents died in a tragic car accident,

and Klaus missed the funeral

because he was at a Foo Fighters concert!

Ahh, I had some good times here at BGZ,

or as we're known around campus,

Beta Gizz!

All: Beta Gizz!

Steve, this is Nutbutter, Nic, and Pube Face.

All solid, solid bros.

Hey, I'm gonna go show my buddy around.

Sit on the ground, Steve.

W-what?

Sit your ass on the ground!

This little bitch doesn't think ASU's good enough for him.

I-I'm sorry. I don't even go to school here...

Shut up, pledge!

Now what game do you turds want to play first?

Milk Gallon Chug...

or Hot Sauce Pee-Hole?

- Milk Gal... - Hot Sauce Pee-Hole it is!

Wow, look at you, ready for a run.

A regular, um, black guy from Kenya.

Yep, and I can't wait to write all about it

- in my health journal. - Hey, I could join you.

There's actually nothing in this bowl.

You know what? That...

That looks important.

Okay. Can you hit the lights?

Roger, I know you gave me that heart attack.

It wasn't my fault! Francine made me...

Roger, you almost killed me...

I know, but...

And I loved it! I wanna do it again!

Gotta say, Stan, this is why I love you.

You always surprise me.

Whenever I think you're gonna zig, you do a reverse zig.

Now let's get you dead, baby!

And that's the reason why I want you...

no, need you... to kill me again.

What? Sorry, I was just thinking about

what my top 20 "Mr. Belvedere" episodes are.

But then I realized I've never seen "Mr. Belvedere."

Was there an episode where he gets snowed in?

'Cause I would put that right up there.

And if there was a serious one where he had a drug problem,

I would consider that episode very powerful,

- but not top 20. - Roger!

When you stopped my heart, everything went white.

I woke up in what looked like a Blockbuster Video.

My first reaction was to kill myself

because it wasn't a Hollywood Video.

But then I realized I was already dead.

It turns out this video store

was my life flashing before my eyes.