How to Beat the High Cost of Living

And so, at 6:59 on a beautiful morning, here in Eugene,

we pause for a moment to bring you the latest national news.

Good news again for the nation's housewives.

that the cost-of-living index rose only 1.2% in the month of August.

Dr. Fenton Cooper,

one of President Carter's leading economists,

vacationing in Bermuda, stated that if this trend continues

we may see inflation held to less than 18% this year.

18%.

Meanwhile, in Washington today...

Oh, Fenton, that is wonderful news.

...$2.5 billion increase in the defense budget...

Now I know I can go to the Safeway in January

and still get bread for under $5 a loaf.

On Wall Street the stock market is down six points...

Come on, honey, time to get up.

Hi.

Mmm. Hi.

How do you feel?

Like this.

Mmm.

Robert, I've got something really dumb to tell you.

Do you know, for the first time since I've had Laurie and Billy,

I'm late.

So am I. It's almost 7:00.

Robert. Mmm?

Robert. Yes?

Do you love me?

No, Jane, I don't love you.

I love your car and I love your garage

and I love going to sleep here three nights a week

'cause we can't afford a motel. Babysitter.

That, too.

And because your children might go bananas

if they were to wake up in the middle of the night

and see their divorced mommy

lying in bed with some lovable stranger

they've been calling Uncle Robert for two years.

Robert, uh, I hate to be pushy first thing in the morning,

but we've gotta get married.

We'll get married as soon as old man Wheeler retires

and makes me manager of the store.

Honey, you've been telling me that for nearly a year.

It's not fair.

I love you.

Don't bother, Charlotte, I'll find him.

Can't you redeposit the check?

It's already been returned insufficient funds twice, Mrs. Bailey.

Albert!

Albert, I have to talk to you.

First take off your clothes and hop on the table.

Albert, this is your wife, not your nurse.

You know, you'd think after being married for nine years

to the funniest vet in southern Oregon,

you'd have developed a sense of humor.

Oh, Jesus! Jesus, you taste good!

Why do you always taste so good?

It's those damn mints you carry in your purse, isn't it?

Okay, lock the door,

and we shall proceed to turn your unexpected visit

into an X-rated commercial for Certs.

Albert, I haven't even had breakfast yet.

Stop licking my face, you dumb dog.

My God, even the animals here are oversexed.

Yeah, they are.

Remember, Louise, a good man is hard to find,

and a hard man is good, good to find.

Albert? Mmm-hmm?

I need $1,000.

I wrote some checks for merchandise yesterday.

Yes, Ye Olde Antique Shoppe, mmm-hmm.

When's that silly store of yours gonna start showing a profit?

This year, I promise.

That's what you said last year, Louise.

Albert, just write me a check.

Louise, we're being audited by the IRS. You know that!

The accountant says no more checks for anything,

for two weeks. Screw the accountant.

Not my type.

Albert, you're a doctor.

You must have cash hidden somewhere.

I did. Remember?

I gave it to you last month.

Lent. Gave.

Louise, isn't it about time you admitted it?

Admitted what? You're a terrible businesswoman.

Albert, I need $1,000.

Please don't make me beg for it.

We'll talk about it tonight. Later.

After dinner. Over a bottle of Dom Perignon.

Under the covers.

Darling, you don't have to get me drunk to sleep with you.

I love sleeping with you.

Sometimes I think it might be the only thing

No, Louise. We have something else in common. Money.

My ability to make it and yours to spend it.

the perfect example of the half-liberated American woman of the '70s.

"I wanna do my own thing,

"as long as my husband pays for it."

Albert, I am not a perfect example of anything.

I am also not the Barbie doll you think you married.

I'm a grown-up, human being wife

and I deserve to be treated like one.

Do you understand?

Okay, quit stalling. Come on, let's do it!

Jesus, I love it when you talk French.

NATALIE ON ANSWERING MACHINE: Elaine, this is Natalie Pokempher.

We're gonna be doing a show for the first anniversary of the Valley River Center,

and I need you to help out backstage.

I mean, you're just so organized

and I absolutely won't take no for an answer.

Think about it, okay, Elaine? Goodbye.

Hi, honey, this is me.

Look, uh, don't bother to make dinner tonight.

I won't be home. Uh, Elaine... This is...

Well, look, it's-- it's nothing you've done...

It is so something you've done, you selfish bitch!

You never cared for or appreciated Millard.

Susan, stop! Give--Give me back the phone!

Elaine, look, please try to understand.

I--I know you're going to be upset

about this for a little while.

But, you're still a--a damn attractive woman,

and--and there's a lot of other fish out there in the ocean. Oh...

You bastard!

(DISTORTED VOICE ON ANSWERING MACHINE)

And then, after he did in

the checking and savings account,

he emptied all of your jewelry

out of the safety-deposit box

and handed me the key.

Is there anything left?

Uh, yes, uh...

There's $480 left in the Christmas club.

I'll take it in cash.

You can't.

Not until December 10.

Oh, shit.

Elaine, he'll be back.

As soon as they run out of clean socks and underwear,

they always come back.

I don't want him back.

What makes you think I want the rotten son of a bitch back?

I want you to get this lousy bank to lend me some money,

or at least extend my MasterCharge limit.

Oh, Patty, you've got to help me.

I'm broke. I'm flat-busted broke!

The house and car payments are due on Monday.

I need money.

You know how banks operate.

They only lend money to people who don't need it.

Elaine, would you let go of my hands?

People are staring.

I'm sorry.

Well, everything checks out, Dr. Travis.

In fact, by my calculations, the United States government owes you $11.19.

You can take us out to lunch.

Except for one small item.

What's that?

The deductions you took on your wife's hobby.

My wife doesn't have a hobby.

Oh, sure she does, the, uh, the antique thing.

Oh, yes.

Ye Olde Antique Shoppe.

That's a business, Mr. Pike.

I don't think so, Dr. Travis.

You gave Mrs. Travis a total of $36,532 in the last three years.

Loaned. He didn't give her anything.

It was a business loan.

Well, according to what I see here, not a very good one.

Unfortunately, as we look at it, Dr. Travis,

when a husband gives his wife money to start up a business,

and that said business doesn't show a profit

within a reasonable time,

it is not a legitimate business.

It's a business, Mr. Pike. I swear it.

Louise works at it six days a week, 15 hours a day.

This January, when she had the flu,

she went to work with a 104-degree temperature in the snow.

I'm sure. Uh, but isn't it customary...

I'll tell you.

When you built your animal hospital in, uh...

1968. July 11, 1968.

Good. Where'd you get the money?

The bank here in town loaned me the initial down payment. $10,000.

Mmm. Did you pay it all back?

Right on schedule, yes, sir!

Plus interest? 7%.

How much interest are you charging your wife, Dr. Travis?

It's a hobby, Dr. Travis.

And that means that you owe the United States government

taxes on $36,532, plus penalties and interest.

Oh, my God!

Unless we can prove otherwise,

that it was a legitimate business loan.

Oh, sure. Unless you can prove otherwise. Quickly.

She's ugly, Eddie.

I've seen her.

How could he? I mean, she's only 19 years old.

Forget about Sinatra, she doesn't even remember The Beatles.