Why Me?

It is with great pride and respect, the United States government

has volunteered to return the Byzantine Fire,

a legend for over a thousand years,

to its rightful owner, the Republic of Turkey.

In accordance with the wishes of the Turkish government,

no one has laid eyes on the ruby

as it seems that the stone carries a superstition.

Not a superstition! A curse! A curse of death

to anyone who lays eyes upon the ring!

A curse, then.

No one has set eyes on the ruby itself, except for a museum worker.

Now dead!

Yes, now dead,

who originally discovered the ruby among a collection

willed to the county museum by an anonymous donor.

And this will mark a new period of international cooperation

for the protection of rare and valuable... Ah.

Long live the Armenian Liberation Party!

Bruno, I'm in!

Ah. All here, all here.

Gus, all here! All clear! All clear!

Bruno! Bruno! It's a Hasslemort!

So that's how that's pronounced.

Ah!

Everything's looking good.

Oh, man, that feels good.

- What? - The stone.

Long live the Armenian Liberation Party!

Hold it right there!

Goddammit!

Which one of you foreign clowns is Mansourian?

Gus! Gus!

Gus, someone's here! You got to get the hell out of there!

I am Mansourian.

I'm Freedly.

- And I'm Zachary. CIA. - CIA.

So, tell us about the ruby.

Now, listen here, we don't know anything about it.

Open the store, Mansourian.

Gus! Get out of there!

We're taking it up the ass!

- How did you know it was me? - We are the CIA.

I've been robbed!

Let's go!

Whoa!

Bruno! Shh!

I'm not a man who's afraid to express his emotions!

- We're rich! - Shh! Bruno!

- Okay. Shh... - Yes.

You were fantabulous. A regular Butch and Sundance.

Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Take a look at this.

A bank. A big bank.

Arco Towers in Long Beach. Piece of cake.

- Huh? - Not interested.

What do you mean you're not interested?

This place is talking to us!

"Gus, Bruno, take me! Squeeze every last drop out of me!

"Then turn me upside down and shake me

"'til my last penny drops out at your feet!"

- Bruno! - What?

- You're going to wake up June! - Okay, okay, okay.

No, he won't.

Holy shit! I was supposed to be at that job interview an hour ago.

I'll see you later.

Dad, a job interview at 2:00 a.m.?

- Ooh, nice! - Thanks.

Hmm!

We cracked a Hasslemort 2000 to get it.

Congratulations. I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

Gee, you told me you stopped.

- We did, but... - We were pressured into this...

By circumstances.

Overwhelming economic opportunity versus

the diminished potential in a depressed job market.

I'm having great difficulty believing this.

- Which part? - Oh, every part.

Could you guys try honest work more often?

Once even?

Well, at my old job at the zoo,

they used to test food on me to see if it was safe for Cocoa the gorilla.

I could put in a good word for you.

See? Thanks. I'll think about it.

Well, I'm out of here!

Bye, honey. See you tomorrow when we fence the stuff.

You're mad at me?

Ah, no, I'm not mad. I'm disappointed.

Yeah, I am mad. Fed up.

I'm fine.

Don't worry about me.

I want to marry you.

I want to marry you too.

Someday.

When?

When you quit.

You were supposed to be looking for a real job.

I am looking. Just haven't found anything.

So you decided to rob a jewelry store?

Yeah, it was kind of a nice gesture on my part.

What?

I did it for us!

For us?

Yeah! I wanted to make sure that we'd be comfortable from the beginning.

We're comfortable now.

Ugh. What is this?

Costume. Reproduction. Fake jewel.

You promise that there won't be any more nice gestures?

I promise.

And you'll stop listening to my father?

I will.

When?

Now!

Gentlemen, please, we would like to continue!

If the CIA would cooperate in stopping vehicles with diplomatic plates!

The suggestion that diplomats with the United Nations are responsible is ridiculous!

What agency was responsible for the transfer of the Byzantine Fire?

That's classified information.

Now, we know that because because the Byzantine Fire

has been missing for over 200 years,

that there are no photographs available of it,

but, we have located a rendering of the gem in question

in this 18th-century painting.

Don't prick me, Leon.

Ouch! Goddammit!

But, sir, don't you want everyone to know you are?

- Still on for lunch, Francis? - Bet your ass, Ray.

Half the county already knows, Leon.

Look, this is no ordinary press conference.

These are diplomats in there. Okay.

Here's a little speech I worked up for you.

Shit, Leon!

You're absolutely right, sir.

- Armenian plunderer! - Turkish murderer!

Gentlemen, please!

- Call up the cops! - Yeah, you're a thief!

- This meeting is not... - I don't think we should rule out the Soviets!

Quiet, goddammit.

Now, watch your language, sir. This is going to be in the 6:00 news!

I don't give a fuck if they put it on the side of milk cartons!

My name is Chief Inspector Francis Mahoney, LAPD,

and this thing happened on my turf.

Now, you two dickheads can blame the Ruskies if you want to.

And the rest of you...

Aliens, can blame each other!

But I did not get to be top cop in this great city

without recognizing a burglary when I see one. And this was a burglary.

This was definitely done by a safe-cracker and a damned good one,

but you can bet your sweet sister's ass I'm gonna find him

if I have to haul in every goddamned criminal in this city.

And now, if you will excuse me,

I have jails to fill.

The jails are full.

Then I will fill the hallways.

- What is your name? - Sir?

Asshole!

Honey, can we take Dad shopping tonight?

Whatever you say.

We gotta get him out of all that polyester.

He's a potential fire hazard.

Here, drink up. I got to go. I'm late.

I'm Gatou Vardebedian

of the new Armenian Liberation Party and I want the stone!

What stone?

Don't play dumb with me, infidel, or you will give me no choice.

She's very beautiful.

She is my cousin, Erika,

and her blood will be on your hands.

- What? - I am holding her hostage

and I will kill her in one hour

if you do not give me the stone.

Are you sure you got this hostage deal straight?

I will kill a member of my family, every six hours until you give it to me.

How's that for straight?

I can tell you're a real pro.

Where is it?

Oh... It's in the glove compartment.

Quitting? What do you mean, quitting?

What do you think, Bruno? I am quitting.

- Hold it right there! - All right, hold it, hold it!

Bruno.

What are you doing? Come on.

But why? There are vaults out there just begging to be cracked,

and you're in your prime earning years.

Why throw all that away?

I don't want to lose June. I wanna get married.

I wanna settle down. I'm quitting!

That's not what you wanna do, that's what June wants you to do.

And what about me? We're a team.

If you quit, what am I gonna do?

First, we're going to change your boots,

then you'll be my best man. Come on, Bruno, cheer up!

- What's the password? - Carlo.

That was last years'.

Okay, Ralph, what's the new one?

- Circus. - God!

Okay. Circus.

Next time, I'll pick the lock.

Hey, come on in.

- My maid died, all right? - She must have died in here.