Born Yesterday

Captain!

- Eddie, where's my briefcase? - I got it here.

Well, hang on to it.

All right, already. Come on. Come on.

This way, Mr. Brock.

Sorry I missed your arrival, Mr. Brock.

Welcome to the Washington Statler.

- I've been inspecting your wing... - I ain't got a whole floor?

You've got an entire wing, Mr. Brock.

When I say I want a whole floor, I don't want one wing.

I don't want two wings. I want the whole bird.

Your private elevator.

Private, huh? That's more like it.

- Hello, Mr. Brock. - How are you?

- Mr. Brock, Mr. Devery... - I thought you said this was private.

What are you waitin' for? Take off.

You'll be more than satisfied.

This is the public corridor and elevators.

No need to use them, but you may if...

The west, east and south suites, all duplex.

- Which one's mine? - The south suite.

Each one a completely private and separate apartment.

This is it.

Sleeping quarters upstairs.

Terrace overlooks half of Washington.

- I would like to point out... - It's all right.

I would like to point out that this suite is one we...

That this suite is usually reserved for foreign diplomats.

Oh, I almost forgot.

We thought you might like this.

- Compliments of the management. - Okay, don't bother me.

May I?

May I show you the rest of the accommodations?

Hey, Billie!

What?

Not bad, huh?

- It's all right. - "All right," she says.

- Do you know what this place costs a day? - 400. You told me.

Mrs. Brock seems delighted with the arrangements.

- It's not Mrs. Brock. - Oh?

There ain't no Mrs. Brock except my mother, and she's dead.

- I see. - Now, look, don't get nosy.

Well, not at all.

- She's a fiancée. - Mine, in fact.

Eddie, take care of him.

Pardon me, sir.

- Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Brock. - Okay, don't bother me.

How's the monarch of all he surveys?

- You plastered again? - Still. Welcome to our city.

I told you I got a couple of things that can't wait.

- Hey, son, I got this ticket to get fixed. - What's it about?

Some louse just as we blew into town. Here.

- Just because I'm a lawyer does not mean I own the law. - What'd I do? What'd I do?

All right, I'll see what I can manage.

- What did we make out? - It may cost you a shade more than we estimated.

- How much more? - It's negligible.

- Why more? - Supply and demand, Harry.

Crooks are becoming rare in these parts.

- Don't worry. - Don't worry? This stuff ain't deductible, you know.

I'm not so sure.

Item: One bribe, $80,000.

Eighty? You're very handy with my dough, you know it?

And you're gonna be interviewed. Fella's coming up here any minute.

Name's Paul Verrall. He's a writer.

Freelance snoop, political stuff. Think pieces.

I don't wanna talk to no writers. I gotta get shaved. Eddie!

- You better talk to this one. - Why?

This is one of the few fellas in Washington to look out for.

The thing to do is take him in. Then he doesn't go poking.

What's so important?

What we're after here is pretty important.

Listen, Harry, to get by in this town takes power. You got some.

Takes money. You got plenty.

But above all, it takes judgment and intelligence.

That's why you pay me 100,000 a year.

What's all the excitement?

Nothing. I'm just trying to make it clear where I fit in.

Eddie, get me a shave up here.

Right.

- Harry. - What?

Barber shop.

Tell Billie to wear something nice and plain for the congressman.

- He may bring his wife. - Tell her yourself. You ain't pregnant.

This is Harry Brock's apartment. Send up a barber and a manicure right away.

Harry Brock.

- That's right. Okay, make it snappy. - And a shine!

And a shine. Be right up.

Look, don't you worry about Billie.

One thing, she knows how to dress.

Probably Verrall.

- Hello, Paul. - Hello, Jim.

Harry Brock, Paul Verrall.

- How do you do, sir? - How are ya?

Ain't I seen you someplace before lately?

- I'll leave you gentlemen. - Come in. What'll you drink?

- Scotch, please, if you've got it. - If I got it. Eddie!

I got everything. Where do you think you are?

Where you been? Stick around and get this man a scotch and... soda?

- Plain water. - Plain water.

- Right. Rye ginger ale for you? - Right.

He always knows what I feel to drink.

Worked for me I don't know how many years now.

- Also he's my cousin. He knows me insides out. - That's right.

Maybe I should be interviewing Eddie.

That's pretty good. Maybe you got something there. Sit down. Sit down.

Well, what's it gonna be, pal, a plug or a pan?

- Why... - I know how to talk if I know your angle.

- No angle, just the facts. - Oh, a pan, huh?

- Not exactly. - That's all right. Write whatever you want.

Look, go on upstairs. I wanna get shaved.

You can't hurt me. You can't help me. Nobody can.

I'm only talking here 'cause Jim Devery asked me to.

I pay a guy 100 grand a year for advice.

- I'm a sucker if I don't take it, right? - That's right.

Butt out, will ya?

Devery likes it when I get wrote about.

- Well, fella, what do you wanna know? - How much money you got?

- What? - How much money you got?

How should I know? What am I, an accountant?

- You don't know? - Not exactly.

- Fifty million? - To tell you the truth, I don't know.

- Ten million? - Maybe.

- One million? - More!

- How much more? - Plenty.

- Okay. - And I made every nickel of it.

- Nobody never give me nothing. - Nice work.

I can see right off you're gonna give me the business.

- Oh, wait a minute... - That's all right. I like it.

- You got me all wrong. - Pan me. Tell 'em I'm a roughneck.

Everybody gets scared. For me, that's good. Everybody scares easy.

- Oh, not everybody. - Enough.

Look, you can't hurt me.

All you can do is build me up or shut up.

- Hey, Eddie. Have a drink. - No, thanks, really.

Do what I'm tellin' you. Who pays you around here?

When we're home, he shaves me every day.

- I got my own barber chair. Right? - That's right.

Go ahead, pal. I thought you wanted to interview me.

Where were you born?

Jersey. Plainfield, New Jersey. 1907.

I went to work when I was 12 years old.

I been workin' ever since.

My first job was a paper route.

I bought another kid out with a swift kick in the keister.

- And you've been workin' ever since. - Yeah.

Tell you how I'm top man in my racket.

Been in it over 25 years. Same racket.

- Steel. - Junk.

- Not steel, junk. - Oh.

Now, look, don't butter me up.

- I'm a junk man. I ain't ashamed to admit it. - All right.

Let me give you a little advice, sonny boy.

Never bull a bull artist. I can sling it with the best of 'em.

- For 25 years, you say. - Yeah.

I tell ya, I'm a kid with a paper route.

I got this little wagon. Goin' home nights I go through the alleys pickin' up junk.

I'm not the only one doing it. The other kids are doing it too.

The only difference is, they keep it. Not me. I sell it.

And the first thing you know, I'm makin' seven, eight bucks from junk...

and three bucks from papers.

Right off I can see which is the right racket.

I'm just a kid, but I can see that.

Pretty soon the guy I'm sellin' to is handing me anywhere from 15 to 20 a week.

Then he turns around and offers me a job for 10. Dumb jerk.

I'd be sellin' him his own stuff back half the time, and he never knew.

- How do you mean? - Look, in the night, I'm under the fence,

I drag it out, I load it up.

In the morning, I go in the front way and collect.

- 12 years old you were. - Yeah, something like that.

- So, pretty soon you own the whole yard. - Right.

Now, this guy, the jerk, he works for me now. You know who else?

The kid whose paper route I swiped.

I figure I owe him. That's the way I am.

Pretty good years for the junk business, the last few.

I ain't kickin'.

- Do you anticipate any decline now? - Talk plain, pal.

- Is it still going to be good, do you think? - We'll make it good.

- Who's we? - "We" is me, that's who.

Look, fancy talk don't go with me.

- Come on in. - Good evening.

- Well, I'll get out of your way... - No, don't go. I like ya.

Stick around, play your cards right, I'll put you on the payroll.

Once over light and no talk. Just brush 'em up.

- I get a manicure every day. - Yes, sir.

Over there someplace.

Okay, fella, go ahead. Go ahead.

I've been wondering, uh, what you're doing in Washington.

What are you, some wonder boy?

- Not so tight. - Sorry, sir.

Sightseeing. That's what I'm doing in Washington.

Some talk you may be around for a long time,

- that you've come to find out... - So far I've been nice to ya. Don't pump me.

How's it going?

How are you getting on with King Junk?

Great. Found out he was born in Plainfield, New Jersey.

- He sure is a tough man to dig. - I can't believe that. He loves to talk. Oh, Billie.

This is my friend, Paul Verrall. Billie Dawn.

How do you do?

- Wait a minute. - What's the matter?

- Where do you think you're going with that? - To my place.