The Steve Harvey Show

HOW YOU DOING? I'M STEVE HIGHTOWER.

I USED TO HAVE MY OWN GROUP--

STEVE HIGHTOWER AND THE HI-TOPS.

BACK IN THE DAY, WE WERE THE BOMB:

RIDING IN LIMOS,

WOMEN JUMPING UP ALL ON THE STAGE,

SO MUCH MONEY, WE'D WRITE A CHECK

AND THE BANK WOULD BOUNCE.

BUT TIMES CHANGED, AND SUDDENLY, WE WERE OUT.

YEAH, IT'S BEEN TOUGH THESE PAST FEW YEARS.

I'M SO BROKE, THEY CUT OFF MY REFRIGERATOR LIGHT.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY COLUMBIA TRISTAR DOMESTIC TELEVISION

EXCUSE ME.

I'M MR. HIGHTOWER, THE NEW MUSIC TEACHER.

I'M HERE TO SEE THE PRINCIPAL.

HEY, MR. HIGHTOWER, HOW'S IT GOING?

MY NAME'S STANLEY, STANLEY KUZSNACKI.

THEY CALL ME BULLETHEAD, YOU SEE, 'CAUSE I GOT A BULLET IN MY HEAD,

SO THAT'S WHY THEY CALL ME THAT.

IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, I CAN HOOK YOU UP.

YOU KNOW, PENCILS, PUSHPINS, ERASERS.

WAIT A MINUTE.

LET'S GO BACK TO THE PART WHERE YOU SAID,

"I GOT A BULLET IN MY HEAD."

HEY, BUDDY.

WELCOME ON YOUR FIRST DAY. HOW YOU FEEL?

WELL, I WAS FEELING PRETTY GOOD, COACH, UNTIL--

I WAS TALKING TO MR. HIGHTOWER.

HE GOT A BULLET IN HIS HEAD.

STANLEY, COULD YOU PLEASE PUT STAMPS ON THESE?

AND THIS TIME, PUT THEM ON THE FRONT OF THE ENVELOPE.

FINE, BE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

GOOD MORNING, MISS GRIER.

HEY.

THIS IS MY OLDEST BUDDY, STEVE HIGHTOWER.

WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE COLLEGE.

STEVE'S TEACHING MUSIC.

OH, SO YOU'RE MR. HIGHTOWER.

I'M THE PRINCIPAL, MISS GRIER.

OH, WOW. NOTHING LIKE THE PRINCIPAL WHEN I WAS A KID.

MY PRINCIPAL WORE A HAIRPIECE,

HAD ONE BIG EYEBROW, AND SOME RAZOR BUMPS.

SHE'S QUITE A WOMAN.

YOU MUST BE REFERRING TO SUPERINTENDENT WILLIAMS.

YEAH, YEAH.

WELL, UH, SHE GAVE ME MY FIRST JOB.

MMM.

NOW, PERHAPS YOU FIND HORMONAL IMBALANCE HUMOROUS.

MM-MMM.

IN MY OFFICE.

NOT YOU, COACH.

BOY, LAST TIME I GOT CALLED

IN THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE,

IT WAS 'CAUSE I HAD PUT A SIGN ON A FAT GIRL'S BACK

THAT SAID, "I SWEAT CRISCO."

GUESS YOU KINDA HAD TO BE THERE.

I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO SAY

WHAT AN HONOR IT IS TO BE HERE,

AND I CAN'T TELL YOU

HOW MUCH I TRULY, REALLY DO APPRECIATE THE JOB.

LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAVE THE SYRUP FOR YOUR PANCAKES?

WHAT?

WELL, NOW,

YOU WOULD THINK WITH THOSE BIG OLD EARS, YOU COULD HEAR.

DID WE DATE?

NO.

DID I DATE YOUR SISTER?

NO.

NOW, CAN WE KINDLY STAY IN THE PRESENT, DESPITE YOUR CLOTHES?

NOW, UH, DUE TO BUDGET CUTBACKS,

YOU ARE NOW HEAD OF YOUR DEPARTMENT.

SO IN ADDITION TO TEACHING MUSIC,

YOU WILL ALSO BE TEACHING ART AND DRAMA.

I NEED YOU TO SIGN HERE.

IT SAYS YOU AGREE TO THE NEW TERMS.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ART OR DRAMA,

AND BESIDES, I DON'T AGREE.

OH. WELL, THEN, I'M AFRAID

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE.

WAIT A MINUTE. LET ME, UH...

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

PROBABLY NEED TO GO OVER THIS WITH MY COLLEAGUES:

MR. MORTGAGE, MR. GAS BILL, AND MR. CAR NOTE.

WELL, YOU AND YOUR COLLEAGUES HAVE UNTIL 4:30,

OR ELSE YOU CAN ALL CARPOOL OVER TO MR. UNEMPLOYMENT.

GOOD-BYE, MR. HIGHTOWER.

W-WAIT A MINUTE.

DO I REMIND YOU OF SOMEONE?

AN EX-BOYFRIEND?

YOUR BABY'S DADDY?

HOW 'BOUT THE GUY THAT GAVE YOU THAT PERM?

CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?

OK, EVERYBODY, LET'S SETTLE DOWN.

LET'S TAKE A SEAT.

FIRST OF ALL, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE MYSELF.

MY NAME IS MR. HIGHTOWER,

AND I'M YOUR NEW MUSIC TEACHER...

AND I'M YOUR ART TEACHER...

AND I'M YOUR DRAMA TEACHER.

WHERE'S MR. SEEGER?

Girl: YEAH.

HOW COME YOU'RE TEACHING ALL THOSE SUBJECTS?

MM-HMM.

AND WHY DO WE GOT TO TAKE THIS CLASS, ANYWAY?

YEAH. RIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW,

I WAS SET UP,

AND I DON'T KNOW.

MY NAME IS SARA, AND I'M VERY GOOD IN DRAMA.

UHH. SHH. AW.

I WAS ALSO AN EXTRA IN DANGEROUS MINDS.

SEE, THE A.D.--

THAT'S MOVIE TALK FOR ASSISTANT DIRECTOR--

SAID THAT I WOULD BE THE NEXT JADA PINKETT.

OH, PLEASE. SHE'S ALWAYS MAKING UP STUFF.

LAST WEEK, SHE SAID SHE WAS VANESSA WILLIAMS' SISTER.

I SAID PEOPLE THINK WE LOOK LIKE SISTERS.

SEE, MR. HIGHTOWER,

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN PEOPLE ARE ENVIOUS.

IT'S THE PRICE I PAY FOR MY LOOKS.

I'M PART INDIAN. THAT'S WHERE I GET MY HAIR.

Stanley: YUP.

PLEASE, YOU JUST GOT THAT HAIR SATURDAY.

HEY, HEY, HEY, CALM DOWN.

THIS AIN'T RICKI LAKE.

I'LL LET YOU FIGHT.

THE BUTTAH.

WELL, LOOKY HERE. RADIO RAHEEM.

CLASS STARTED 5 MINUTES AGO.

YO, I'M ROMEO. I GOT'S TO MAKE AN ENTRANCE.

NICE SUIT. COME WITH AN 8-TRACK?

NICE PANTS. BIGGIE SMALL HAVE A GARAGE SALE?

DON'T PICK ON ROMEO, MR. WHATEVER-YOUR-NAME-IS.

HE WAS LATE 'CAUSE HE WAS SHOPPING FOR MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, BABY?

THAT'S RIGHT.

I LOVE YOU.

I KNOW.

HEY, HEY, HEY. YOU TWO WANT TO KNOCK IT OFF?

WHERE YOU THINK YOU ARE, VACATION BIBLE SCHOOL?

HEY, EVERYBODY.

EVERYBODY CALM DOWN.

I KNOW I OWE ALL Y'ALL MONEY.

BUT I'M NOT HERE TO PAY ANYBODY BACK.

I'M JUST HERE TO CHECK ON MY FRIEND.

HEY, DAWG. HOW'S IT GOING?

NO, DON'T "HEY, DAWG" ME.

IN THE HALL RIGHT NOW. LET'S GO.

CED, WHAT IS WITH THESE KIDS?

THEY DON'T SIT DOWN, THEY DON'T EVER SHUT UP,

AND SOMEBODY NEEDS TO HOSE DOWN MR. COOL

AND LITTLE MISS JALAPEÑO PEPPER.

AND BESIDES, CED,

YOU SAID THIS JOB WAS GOING TO BE ABOUT TEACHING MUSIC.

THEY GOT ME TEACHING ART AND DRAMA.

OH, YEAH.

IS THIS AN "OH, YEAH"

LIKE YOU KNEW THIS WAS GOING DOWN "OH, YEAH,"

OR IS THIS AN "OH, YEAH" LIKE YOU DIDN'T KNOW?

LOOK, I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU OUT, STEVE.

THE SHOW-BIZ THING IS PLAYED OUT.

ALL THE HI-TOPS WORK AT THE POST OFFICE.

THEM CHECKS, THEY'RE REGULAR.

AND ANOTHER THING, WHAT IS WITH THAT PRINCIPAL,

TREATING ME LIKE I'M LATOYA AT A FAMILY REUNION?

WHAT'D I EVER DO TO HER, MAN?

THIS IS A MISTAKE. I CAN FEEL IT.

THIS IS ALL WRONG.

HOLD ON NOW.

I'M GOING TO TELL YOU HOW TO HANDLE THIS SITUATION.

YOU PACKIN', RIGHT?

WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY?

YOU KNOW I'M NOT PACKIN'!

I'M JUST PLAYING WITH YOU...MAN.

NOW, YOU JUST GOT TO GO IN THERE

AND LET THEM KNOW WHO'S IN CHARGE.

IF ONE OF THEM MESS WITH YOU,

YOU TAKE A FEW AND YOU KICK THEM OUT.

HEY, ALL EXCEPT FOR THE BIG ASHY ONE IN THE CORNER.

HE DONE DONE SOME TIME.

YOU GOT A JOB.

IF YOU CAN'T REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY,

ALL THAT STUFF I GAVE YOU, I WANT IT ALL BACK.

COME ON WITH THE PANTS.

FINE. YOU CAN HAVE THE PANTS

'CAUSE THEY GIVE ME A WEDGIE, ANYWAY, ALL RIGHT?

YOU ON YOUR OWN, MONEY.

I GOT A TV DINNER COOKING IN THE SAUNA.

ALL RIGHT, HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, FABIO.

IT'S ROMEO.

I DON'T CARE IF IT'S B-I-N-G-O.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

I GOT IT, I GOT IT. I KNOW WHAT'S GOING DOWN.

OK...ASK ME THAT QUESTION AGAIN.

I'LL VOLUNTEER MY KNOWLEDGE OF THE SITUATION,

MR. HIGHTOWER.

SEE, TODAY IS SOPHIA'S BIRTHDAY,

SO SHE SAID, "ROMIE, YOU FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY,"

AND HE SAID, "NO, I DIDN'T,"

AND SHE SAID, "YES, YOU DID."