Some Say No (C'è chi dice no)

'So it all started 150 years ago when a Victorian guy bequeathed a house to the people of The Fields,

'.. that's when they were fields,

'now the Fields is a housing estate, and some people in Pagford aren't that thrilled with everyone

'from the estate coming into the village and using this old building

'covered in graffiti when it could be some fancy hotel and spa instead.

'Fields people like Krystal Weedon,

'who's always calling everyone a twat,

'which in most cases they are.

'Then Mr Fairbrother - who's like the champion of Sweetlove House -

'drops down dead in the street.

'You don't think that can happen.'

'Not to someone you know.

'And everything changes.

'There isn't even time to be sad,

'because now there has to be an election

'to fill Mr Fairbrother's seat on the parish council,

'so they can vote on Sweetlove House.

'Three candidates - all prime knobs. Plus ca change!

'But it looks like Mr Fairbrother's still got plenty to say,

'even from the other side.

'Watch out, Pagford, the ravens are gathering.'

I'm... going to go upstairs.

I'm going to put on some music... You wait till you hear the music.

'Good morning, Pagford.

'I know I've kept you waiting, but today's the day.'

The Deadwood Stage by Doris Day

'Seems appropriate somehow, doesn't it?

'My funeral, so it's all about me, but I'm not selfish.'

'I can share the spotlight with someone else.'

Just get a bastard move on! Andrew? Get yourself down here!

Just doing my tie.

'But who? And what could I know that you all don't?

'Oh, you should all be looking over your shoulders, Pagford.'

'But today is for someone very special to me.

'One of my would-be successors.'

'The man with the right tools for the job.'

God, you're worse than them!

I'm just checking... There's nothing yet.

It's a wind-up!

Who d'you think it is?

Well... No-one! Someone. No-one to bother about.

Trolls, ha-ha! No vision. Not like you, eh?

You've got vision. Big Match Temperament!

~ 'Howard?' ~ Eh?

~ Choo-doo-doo! ~ 'Come on, we'll be late.'

But what if he says something about me?

200 hits?! Cor, bugger me down dead!

I bet it's one of Fairbrother's tribe.

Some wet liberal vegetarian with a Ouija board.

Ghosts, hah!

Whoever it is, they're no match for you, Howard.

~ Hm? ~ I'm nothing without you.

What if he says something about me?

Something damaging? Something ugly?

Colin, what could possibly be said about you that's damaging or ugly?

Well, it could be something I... don't even know about...

That doesn't even make sense.

~ My throat's closing up. ~ Come on.

It had better not be you... the ghost.

It had just better not.

Mumsy, there aren't enough minutes in my life to give a solitary crap

about this election.

Come on, dawdling, dragging me down!

Right, I want you to put one of these

in every single order of service and the hymn books as well.

Come on. Right, get on with it.

Oi, Ruth - glasses.

Come on, hurry up.

Terri, are you going to get up?

This really isn't fair for you to leave everything to Krystal, is it?

You're wasting your breath.

He don't like fruit.

Stick it in the fridge.

It'll be rotten in a few hours, it'll be yoghurt.

So, your mum's had no other relapses?

That's positive. Means she's trying.

Well, she ain't got a choice.

Bloke what knocks it out round here got banged up.

~ That's handy. ~ Mm, I suppose.

What about you, Krystal?

~ What about me? ~ What's your plan?

A course? Apprenticeship?

~ You got a daughter, yeah? ~ Mm-hm.

Same school as me.

What's she going to do - A levels an' that?

Sixth form, yeah.

Mm. Worry about her, then...

.. don't worry about me.

~ I'm here to help. ~ You want to help? Stop talking bollocks.

You really want to help, bring UHT milk -

~ it keeps better than real. ~ OK. UHT. Got it.

Till next time, yeah?

Mm, countin' the hours(!)

You're only wearing that to annoy the Mollisons.

No, I'm not, because that would be puerile.

~ That looks comfy. ~ Gorgeous colours! ~ Thank you.

~ (Purple?) ~ (I can't bear that woman.)

Showing your waist at your age, you are brave!

~ You've just been owned. By a granny. ~ Shut up, Vikram.

Shoulders!

'Come on, put them away.'

Will you put them sodding things away?!

Girls.

~ Look at him, who's he think he is, Top Gun? ~ Hmm.

Loser!

~ It will just be him against us. ~ Ah, yes.

Not a chance.

Look at him. Look at the state he's in.

Can't take the pace.

Hm.

Weighs a... bastard tonne!

Cheeky little sod!

I'm hungry!

Want a banana!

Beautiful service, Samantha. Such a comfort to everyone.

~ Did they come for the stock from the shop? ~ They did.

That's good news. A weight from all our shoulders.

Well, don't dwell, dear.

The best way to deal with failure is to learn from it.

So I'm told.

Set your sights a bit lower. Concentrate on what you're best at.

It's never too late to find out what that might be.

We have but a short time to live.

Like a flower, we blossom and then wither.

Like a shadow, we flee and never stay.

In the midst of life, we are in death.

We have entrusted our brother, Barry, to God's mercy.

And we now commit his body to the ground.

Earth to earth...

.. ashes to ashes, dust to dust...

.. in sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life

through our Lord Jesus Christ... Amen.

Amen.

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God

and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with us evermore.

Amen.

Amen.

~ Arf. ~ Fats.

Samantha Mollison's got the most amazing arse, you ever noticed that?

The way I feel right now, I could sort old Shirley out.

I got a massive boner in the church.

What? It's a recognised phenomenon. Eros and Thanatos.

Sex and Death.

Grief gives you the raging horn - both men and females.

Even Mary. You put the touch on her now, you could do what you wanted.

I mean, she'd probably be crying,

but, you know, still do what you wanted.

She's my auntie.

Well, I'm just sayin'.

~ Oh, um... Mr Price? ~ Leaving so soon?

I'm a working man. I've got a shift.

And that, Howard, is what makes me stand out in this election -

I'm a grafter.

~ Oh. ~ Providing for my family.

You know, no... silver spoon in my mouth, no privilege,

just school of hard knocks.

We thought you might have heard about the message.

Yes, from the ghost, um... We're sure it's not true.

But nonetheless, stolen goods, criminal activities, you know?

We just got told, Betty's got one of these...

tablet, clever thingies, but I...

I don't get on with them at all, I-I-I get all of a dither, but...

"Watch your pockets when old Simon is on the prowl, he'll...

"He'll pilfer anything he can get his grubby mitts on"?

We have to think about electoral procedure.

Let the villains stay in Westminster, eh?

We of the grassroots must be beyond reproach.

What? What the... It's all lies. I'm being smeared.

I'm a victim of smear.

Oh, isn't it awful?

It's such a shame after you had all those lovely flyers printed.

All right, get in the car.

Now!

~ Wow! What is it? ~ It's a digger.

Aw! Say, "Thank you, Mr Fairbrother".

Thank you, Mr Fairbrother.

~ My pleasure, Robbie. ~ Oh, look at that!

Now, you stay in there and be good, OK?

How's Andrew, he seem all right to you?

He's Arf. He's... enigmatic. He's in love.

~ Is he? ~ Mm. New girl. Black girl.

~ He's so bang in love with her. ~ He tell you that, did he?

Nah, it's just obvious. And we don't talk that much now.

You were thick as thieves once upon a time.

Mm, that was little school.

Everything changes when you go up from little school.

So you... You are going to school?

Now and then I pop in. Grace 'em with my presence, lucky bastards(!)

~ You down for any exams? ~ Yeah, 14 - Latin, Greek and all sorts.

No. Reckon I might jack it for good.

~ Oi! You're not going to do that. ~ Why aren't I?

I want you to finish school. Up!

You can do one exam.

Ah... Maths. Tell them you want to sit maths.

But I don't.

Mrs Wall will help you through it, keep you on the straight, huh?

You like her.

She's mental, got to be. Just sat there listening to my shit.

Just do one exam, Krystal.