Undateable

Why are you here? Okay, you're kind of killing my game.

What game?

You just invite Nicki over every week

to watch "Mad Men."

Uh, I also make banana bread, okay?

And this week, I put in some chocolate chips,

so I think my game is pretty airtight.

Whatever, baby bird.

See you, Nicki. I got to go meet someone.

Have fun with your friend.

Oh, it's not a friend. It's a girl.

You don't have any girls that are friends?

Oh, you're not joking.

Uh...

Single guys can't be friends with girls.

Discuss.

Hey, uh, save me some of that banana bread.

Oh, by the way, I know I said that sarcastically

with a laugh at the end, but, really, it sounds delicious.

I'd like some later.

What a jerk.

- Are you really mad? - Well, I ju... look.

I got my boobs in fourth grade,

so I've had years of people talking to me

like they're interested in me for me,

when really they're just staring at my chest.

Go on.

Why can't anybody

just be interested in me for me, you know?

Oh, my God.

It's been you this whole time.

Y-you're the answer.

To what?

You are my proof that Danny is wrong!

I mean, seriously,

I could probably be pretty wasted

and just be all over you like, "Oh, my God, Justin,

just, like, kiss me and, like, touch me, like, now."

You know? And you wouldn't do anything

because you're my friend, right?

Yeah, no. Yeah, no.

No, I'm... I'm your friend.

All right.

Are you flexing?

No.

All right, now. Here we go. Come on.

Okay. We are going.

No. Never, ever do that again.

Oh, hello.

Thank you for ruining my date with Nicki last night.

It wasn't a date, and heads up, baby bird.

What is that? What are you doing?

It's a piece of advice.

Sometimes I like to toss them out like gifts.

Hey, Brett. Keep being British. It works for you.

Cheerio, mate. How's your father?

I'm a cockney. David Beckham.

Hey, Bursk, stop being so obnoxious around women.

This one's for them ugly bitches.

You need to read it again.

Your turn, bro.

All right, man.

You need to make a move like now, okay?

Otherwise, you're gonna be stuck

in the friend zone with Nicki forever.

Uh, Google news alert...

I'm not in the friend zone with Nicki, okay?

Let's try Siri. Ting.

Siri, am I in the friend zone with Nicki?

"No, Justin. Your eyes are ocean blue.

That's impossible. L.O.L."

Come on. Let's be honest, mate.

This isn't your first trip to the friend zone, is it?

Heather Flanders... College?

I was not in the friend zone with Heather Flanders, okay?

She thought I was gay.

World's worst brag.

So, Danny, when you're in the friend zone, what do you do?

You know, I have a move that works every single time.

Never fails... I just throw her on the back of my bike,

and I take her for a ride.

I give her my helmet, so she knows I can protect her.

Added bonus...

I also look awesome with the wind in my hair.

I speed up, you know? And she's all like, "slow down!"

But I'm like, "sweetheart, I can't

'cause the adrenaline's pumpin' too hard."

So, then I just, like, lean back into her,

and she grips my hips.

Siri, did that work?

Ding!

Game over.

- You don't even have a move. - You kidding me?

I do the whole "cover her eyes from behind game."

Then I pull away. "Look at that. What is that?

"An eyelash? Oh, go ahead, girl.

Make a wish, 'cause mine's about to come true."

All right, what if there's no eyelash?

There's always an eyelash

because I pluck one of my own before going in.

Whoo! That's what I'm talking about!

- Right! Yes! - Suck it, Bears!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Hyah! Whaaaaaat!

Whoa!

Ploop!

Oh.

You're missing a great game, bro.

Ohh! God, immediately we give the ball back.

It's like everything associated with the word "Detroit"

- has to suck. - Don't do it. Don't say it.

Shut up! Shut up! It's embarrassing.

You know, it's a joke of a team for a joke of a city.

I will not sit here while you talk about Detroit that way!

She is a beautiful lady with an ample bosom,

and I love her!

I was born here, and I plan to die here.

Good day, ma'am.

What just happened?

It's his code.

Trash talk Detroit, you're dead to him.

How was I supposed to know that?

Every article of clothing he has has the word "Detroit" on it.

Shelly.

We're cool, right?

My lucky bobblehead can't even look at you.

I'm proud of you for not spitting in her face.

Guess who.

Oh, ow, ow, ow! Ohh! It stings!

What? Oh, it's lime juice. God! Ow! Oh, God!

This wine cloth! Here, here! Yeah.

There's lime juice on the towel!

Aw, I'm sorry. Uh, here, take this water.

That's actually lime juice.

Why are there so many lime products back here?!

- I'm... I'm sorry. - It's okay.

- I'm sorry. - Oh.

But, hey, I-I think you got a...

I think you got an eyelash right... there.

Wha...

No. No, you... no, you don't.

Where did that go?

Look, Nicki, can I talk to you about something?

Yeah. Of course.

Okay, there's this...

this girl that I'm friends with,

and I've been thinking

about how I kind of want it to be more than that.

That's, um, really weird,

'cause, um, I've been thinking about somebody, too.

Oh, is that so?

And I, um...

I think you might know him.

I bet I do.

Uh, would you, uh, describe this... this...

this guy as, uh, handsome?

Mm, I would describe him as hot.

Okay, wow.

Uh, would you say that he's a very good dancer?

I would say he's actually a great dancer.

Oh, well, then he will be happy

he spent all that time as a kid training.

Listen, I'm gonna pour us a couple of drinks.

Don't worry. I know the owner.

And you're gonna tell me who your mystery person is,

and I'm going to tell you about mine.

She likes Danny!

Ha-ha! Classic!

Oh.

What? Why?

So, after she said his name, she asked me who my person was.

I panicked and just said the first name

that came to my head, so if anybody asks,

I'm really into a girl named "Justin."

Danny, how are you gonna help him?

I'll tell you how... he's gonna blow off Nicki

'cause Justin called dibs.

Listen, I can't ignore Nicki.

That'll just make her want me more.

That's how girls work. Right, Les?

Yeah.

This is my worst nightmare.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You're lucky, okay?

'Cause I've got the answer right here.

Don't you dare toss that to me.

Just... just take it!

Ha!

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Okay, fine! So what? She likes me.

Whatever! Okay? She just wants a little fun.

She wants to "add sex to cart."

What are you talking about?

He's saying that girl is in heat, bro.

Nobody is in heat! Human girls cannot be in heat.

Oh, I've been in heat.

Look, she doesn't want a relationship.

She just wants a hookup.

Girls don't fall in love with guys like Danny.

He's not mature. He has no substance.